Don't Be Mad, MJ!

My friend MJ is like so mad at me for not posting a picture of myself in three days. I understand. I can't go a day without seeing me either.

Another Super Tuesday!

Tomorrow will be an incredibly important, even historic, day in American pawliticks. Ohio, Texas, Vermont, and Rhode Island will be voting and it will be time for an underrepresented group finally find a voice in American politics. I have been working very hard to ensure a high turn out. I've been canvassing the neighborhood, sending loads of pee-mails and shouting at everyone who walks by my door. Since I don't live in any of these states my efforts may be wasted. But no one can say I have not been paw-litically active. Why? Because my bud Ernest is running. And, frankly, it is time for a short-legged guy to win the presidency! And look! He has t-shirts AND stickers. That shows some major ambition:



Look at his cool logo!


Yes, I believe it is time to end the tyranny of long-legged Presidents and let a short-legger/roachin' king take the reins:


And for those of you who are skeptical that a short-legger can do the job? That we're not temperamentally suited to do the job? That we'll be soft on defense and too emotional? I would beg to differ. Anything you can do, a short-legger can do. And with more panache.

Short-leggers can fly:


And use our legs as perfect bully strap holders.


We can defy gravity with just one ear.


Also, it is Ernest's burpday this week so if he doesn't win at least he'll get loads of attention and stuff.

Looking Out for Our Hearts

I know we are all gathering for a BIIIIG Stupor Bowl party this weekend but my granny--ever the alert NPR listener--sent me this story to warn me: Sports Fan Stress Can be Heart Hazard. I KNOW! I get so nervous whenever the Cornhuskers play and recently they've given me plenty to stress about. Fortunately I don't really give a cat's behind who wins this year's Bowl (first time in three years one of my teams is not playing!) and so I can dedicate my time to preparing heart healthy foods for us. My list includes: fishables, red wineables, blueberries, oatmeals, and some more fishables. Mostly fishables. In the above photo I am eating HEART HEALTHY, pancreas friendly baby carrots.

And here my sissy and I are getting plenty of exercise (photo from the 3 hours we had snow 2 weeks ago):


Also, love keeps the heart in good shape and my gal Samantha--looking out for me--did a photo shoot to keep my heart a-flutter:

The Buttdate

Here's an update on my sissy's bum: IT'S BROKEN! Yup, my sissy went and ruptured her anal gland. EWWWW! And it is every bit as gross as you might imagine. G-R-O-S-S! But it has made me HIGHLY suspicious. Because you know who else has a broken butt? Tanner, aka DOOFUS. Is my sissy a DOOFUS? Signs point to yes.

To recap:

DIRTY BUTT (see, the snow even turns colors behind her):


CLEAN BUTT! (Pure as the driven snow)


Here are the things that have broken this week:

1) the iPawd (but it fixed itself)
2) the elliptical machine
3) my ma ape's car
4) my sissy

Things that have NOT broken:

1) WALLY T. CORGADOR.

BUSTER's BIG 1-0!

Buster is bustin' out all over! It's his big 1-0 today. Buster is one of my oldest and bestest friends so we are going to be partying like it's 1997 (when Buster was the big 0-1!) here! Here are ten of my favorite things about 10-year old Buster:

1) his potty mouth
2) his witty political commentary
3) his kissies
4) his love of the animals, hatred of the olsen trolls
5) his mad organization skills in getting us together for chats
6: this verse in his self-penned burpday song:
PLENTY OF CHEESE N BACON
LOTS OF BONES N CAKES N COOKIES
FREE FLOWING BEER TO GET US SHAKIN
7) his mad donut thievin' skills
8) our regular coconut-enhanced dance routines
9) he looks great on the beach in his bikini
10) he's the best friend a little corgador could have

Get Well, Ms. La Brador!

My girl Sophie is sick for the second year in a row at Christmastime! Like my ma ape, she must be a Scrooge! There is something wrong with her (Sophie's, not my ma ape's) liver. I offered her mine, since it is already good and gin-soaked.



Here I am fretting about my blonde bombshell:


Sophie is on Anti-Bs so here I am biting a B. Just for her.


And here is a shot of my bum, just because that will surely make her feel better:

Seeing Double Trouble

So look! It's a picture of my sissy in a Santa hat, right?


WRONG!

That's Ginger from over at Barking Loud. I was looking at Lorenza's blog, as I do regularly because she has the greatest dresses and it's like Project Runway at her site! Anyway, I saw a card with three dogs and it looked like my SISTER! At first I thought maybe I was drunk and seeing double but no. And then I thought maybe it was like the Simpsons episode where they find out that their cat has another family and is getting fat because she is food from the other family. But my sissy is totally skinny. But it turns out Ethel has a doppleganger! They even have matching big ole grins! Like, whoa.

Can you tell which one is which?



Me either! OMG (as the kids say). The one on the top is Ginger. And--get this-- her name in the shelter was...ETHEL! And they changed her name to Ginger (my ma ape's favorite spice but not her favorite Spice Girl). Can you EVEN believe it?

It's no fair! I want a twin so that we can trick people and go on dates with the wrong dates and I can get in trouble and blame it on my twin. But my ma ape says it's ok to be one of a kind. She's says there's not room in the world for two of me. Just one of me:

Some Love for the Brat Pack

Since I heard about my friend Thrawn, this is how I've been feeling:


And I've wanted to send some love to my girl Sam who is probably very very sad. Here I am blowing you a kiss from afar.


And here's one up close and personal. Please share with your siblings and especially your mom. Some things are so sad that human words aren't sufficient. The best we can do is doggie smooches.

A Sad Day

I was so sad to hear the news from the Five Happy Hounds. Thrawn, a superspecial guy, has gone to the bridge. His mom loved him and took fantastic care of him to give him a wonderful life in spite of his health problems. We will miss him, I can only imagine how hard it must be for his pack. I hope everyone will find time to visit their blog and say goodbye to a very very special guy.

Yellow snow! Yellow snow! Yellow snow!

It's the first snow of the year. Ethel is not impressed. She has a bald patch from her stitchies so she's all chilly. She also a skinny minny who doesn't have a layer of chub to keep her warm.


I'm more excited about the snow even though my ma ape has not been listening to me about how I need to store up chub for the winter. Look at how skinny I am! I'll probably expire in the cold unless I start to eat more.


Now, I've been getting LOADS of mail and I'm supposed to save it to open closer to the holiday but I got one SPECIAL card from THRAWN of the Five Happy Hounds (and brother to my zaftig honey Sam) and I KNEW I had to open it immediately. Here's what it says on the outside:

Though the weather outside is frightful
Marking territory's so delightful!
There's no limit to where I'll go


YELLOW SNOW! YELLOW SNOW! YELLOW SNOW!


You know me so well Thrawn!

Thanks buddy!

Bee-Lated Burpday!

OK, I have been a totally lousy friend because my ma ape has been "busy" and stole my laptop (and my lap--I've been forced to sleep on the cold cold couch by myself!) and my sissy got holes in herself. Yeesh! So I haven't been able to visit as many blogs as I'd like and, even WORSE, we missed some BFFFFFFFF Burpdays! MY BFF (Buff Furry Friend) PEANUT and Ethel's BFF (Boxer Furry Friend) PENNY both had BURPDAYS! So I have to wish them what my ma ape said are BEE-LATED Burpday wishes. I don't know why they would want some bees but they do deserve to have great burpdays! I know you both are having tough times in your hu-man families as well. Peanut's pop has been deployed and Penny's grandpap is in the hospital so I hope that for your burpday you get your hearts' desire including 1) your family being safe and sound and 2) LOTS of raw meatables!

I send you both some big Wally smoocheroonies (with my best raw meat breath!)

Ethel sends some too, though hers are kind of crusty with pus. HAHAHAHAHA! She's so going to bite me when she gets better.

My New Team

Well, my Cornhuskers went down in flames (not literally, though I am craving roasted Corn). But my Sophina La Brador has come to my rescue with fantastic news! The Saskatchewan ROUGH RIDERS have made it into the GREY CUP--the Canadian version of the Super Bowl. Leave it to the Canadians to name their major football game the "Grey Cup." NO! The world of sports is black and white!

Um, sorry, I got distracted. As I was saying, the ROUGH RIDERS, whom I love because I believe myself to be rough and TOUGH are going to be playing for the championship! And, I thought to myself, surely they will need a ROUGH RIDIN' mascot. So I am waiting 1) for a call from the Cornhuskers who will be needing a new coach tomorrow and 2) to hear from the Rough Riders calling me into duty!

In particular, Ms La Brador has just informed me that the ROUGH RIDERS fans wear hollowed out WALLYMELONS on their heads during games! So I am hereby offering my services. I will be your mascot, running onto the field for inspiration and entertainment during time outs, halftime and commercial breaks, AND I will do the difficult task of hollowing out these Wallymelons! I could not find a picture of the Wallymelon hats (though much time was wasted in their pursuit, and I tried to convince my ma ape to make one and wear it, to no avail)


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I did find a picture of a Wallymelon Football Salad. GO ROUGH RIDIN' WALLYMELON!

OMG!

OMG means OH MY GRAMMIE! Because I have the GREATEST GRAMMIE EVER! But I'm getting ahead of myself. Here's how the story goes. Once there was a lonely little Wally. His ma ape was at work all day and his granny (n for nebraska!) was in sweden and Wally was left all alone in the cold winter with only his sissy and her obsession with tennis balls.

But what is THIS? A BOX!


I had to shout HURRY HURRY! OPEN IT UP MA APE!


And she did. What's in the box!? What's in the Box!!!!


Ohhhhh...beautiful fluffy stuff!

It's PERSONALIZED blankets with our names stitched into them in DIFFERENT fontables because we are so different. And my sissy's name has stitching orbiting around it like a planet because my grammie knows my sissy is a SPACE CADET and my grammie loves aliens!

Look at my beautiful name it big manly font!

And my sissy immediately claimed hers--MINE. Don't come between a lady and her strawberrable blanket!

And I took mine for a test run--perfect for napping! And there are dogs on the inside. Including a boxer like the dogable who introduced me to his grammie--PEANUT (and Flash!)

And look! If we are on the other side we are CAMOFLAGED. Except for my alien eyes (which are a secret between me and my grammie).

And here I am reading the very nice card from my Grammie who is so super nice that she made my ma ape leak from the eyes! Thanks so much Grammie! These blankets are the GREATEST and we love 'em. We will think of you every time we curl up for warm naps in the cold winter. If you sometimes feel some whiskers tickling you and a little smoocheroonie it's just me sending you telepathic kissies with my alien eyes! THANK YOU!

Happy Burpday SUUUUUUUUUUKI!

It's one of my buddy-pals burpdays! Wee Suki is ONE today! Can you even believe? Soon she will be too old for us to post pictures of her naked in the bathtub.


Who am I kidding? That'll never happen! And we will always be partners in tongue-itude:


Since you are ONE today I thought I would give you some SAGE advice from an older guy on becoming a Big Dog.

1.) The older you are, the more you should get to eat. Be sure they don't try the "not growing anymore" excuse.
2.) The older you are, the smarter you are and so you get to be bossier and bossier as you age.
3.) Unfortunately, the older the apes get the more forgetful they get so you have to remind them frequently and loudly when it is time for dinnerables and walkables and snackables and belly rubables.
4.) For good health, roach regularly and heartily.
5.) No matter how old you get, you are never too old to snuggle with your ma (love ya ma ape!).
6.) CELEBRATE!

Goin' to the Chapel!

My pal Ike got HITCHED today to his lovely lady Martha. The color was PINK which is great because I look totally hot in pink.



Congratulations Ike and Martha!

A Cool Thou!

This is my ONE THOUSANDTH POST! One G, g! I have been blogging for almost three years which gives me an average of a post per day. That's COMMITMENT.

And in honor of my one-thousandth post I would like to share with you something my friends the Newfs of Hazard discovered--a galaxy named after ME. Yes, the universe is my oyster!



Welcome to WallyWorld.

Exclusive Interview! by Tad!

I thought that maybe this interview would probably be bought by Vanity Fair but they haven't called yet. Here is an EXCLUSIVE--a big interview by TADPOLE:

1) ETHEL, what do you think about all day long? Clue us in on what goes on in that frantic little mind of yours!


Ethel: Look at me thinkerating! Here is what I'm thinking: tennis balls, tennis balls, things covered in tennis ball fuzz, tennis balls, wally, tennis balls, wally covered in tennis ball fuzz, tennis balls, bunnies, tennis balls, deers, wally, tennis balls

Wally: Tad, I see you are wise emphasizing the little mind.

2) WALLY, are you lobbying to get "Corgador" accepted by the AKC? Describe what the breed standard would be.

Excellent question, Tad. I have mixed feelings about the AKC. On the one hand, they are biased and refuse to let me compete because a) they are breedist b) I am sans some important bits and c) I would win every time. On the other hand, I do like shiny trophies and I'd love to be a pageant girl, especially if I could be like Miss USA and wind up in rehab.

But here's the potential breed standard:
Height: 19 inches.
Length: 29 inches stem to stern (not counting tail).
Weight: Should be around 150, actual around 43 pounds.
Head: Enormous (to fit a constantly expanding brainable)
Walk: Jaunty
Speed: Superfast, possibly supersonic when running to the kitchen when the fridge door is opened
Coat: Lovely silky black with some salt n' pepper in the tail and headable area. White patch on chest preferred.
Teeth: Some.
Unique features: Fluffy and pert bum, beautiful howlin' voice, must roach regularly.

3) WALLY, you coin many terms that we lesser dogs adopt into our everyday language (meatables, wallymelon, etc). What's it like to be such an important DWB cultural leader?

First, I'd like to say that there are no lesser dogs. Only naked apes and cats. Tad, I'd like to think that I've introduced many dogs to new foodables and languageables, though as with any great artist I am inspired by my audience.

4) WALLY, we all know how much you love your foodables. What's the worst foodable your Ma Ape could make you eat? (hypothetically, of course - we know she could never MAKE you do anything....)

Oh jeez. This is a HARD question. Not only because my ma ape could never make me do anything but I can't really imagine food that I don't like! I have eaten wasabi peas and sheets of nori and grapefruitables and spinachables, you name it, I've probably eaten it.

So I will have to say--NOTHING. If my ma ape fed me nothing, that would be the worst thing EVER.
5) WALLY, your sissy Ethel occasionally has a slightly manic aura about her in pictures. Are you ever frightened of her unpredictability and slightly bizarre behaviors?

Afraid of this Tad? I could see where you might think this. She is crazy. But the truth is--she is afraid of everything, including herself sometimes. (Maybe not afraid of tennis balls or deers). And, frankly, I rule the roost. I decide when, where, and how we're going to play. I get to clean the dinner bowls. And if she ever doesn't do what I want I just tattle on her cuz I'm totally a mama's boy and she'll take my side because who could say no to this face?

Thanks for the great questions, Tad! Have you ever considered doing this professionally? Interviewing me, I mean.

If YOU'D like to be interviewed, let me know! Here are the rules:

1. If you are interested in being interviewed, leave me a comment saying, 'interview me' along with your pee-mail address.

2. I will respond by posting five questions for you. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.