Friday, February 01, 2008

Melting My Hard Hard Heart

It has been raining all day. It is dark and thunder rumbly. I am grumpy. But then there is this:

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Dr. Wally T. Corgador, MD

As many of you may know, I recently had a visit to the vet. What you may not know is that I myself am a medical genius--Dr. Wally T. Corgador, MD/DVM. Isn't this a face you would trust with your life (if not your bully sticks)?

My fellow veterinary doctor, Dr. Teti, called to tell me that the lump that was removed was biopsied (and possibly harvested for cloning purposes--Stan!) and that the tissue was BENIGN COLLAGEN. My secret has been found out.

Yes, I've been doing a little lip plumping to make my mouth a bit more kissable (like GooberStans!) What do you think of the results? (Next time I will make sure I am sober while injecting so I don't get little collagen puffs on my chest).

But last night I decided to expand my practice. I removed my own stitches!

My ma ape checked my stitchies before bedtime and--stitches OUT! She was shocked because I haven't been scratching or licking but she doesn't even know about my mad surgical skills! See my sissy check it out.

And she's a little shocked that I am such a talented surgeon!

My next patient? The moose. He has a nasty case of hemmorhoids, as you can see.

P.S. Don't worry. I've got a healthy scab over the area formerly stitched and I'm fine. Trust me, I'm a doctor!

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Thursday, January 31, 2008

Looking Out for Our Hearts

I know we are all gathering for a BIIIIG Stupor Bowl party this weekend but my granny--ever the alert NPR listener--sent me this story to warn me: Sports Fan Stress Can be Heart Hazard. I KNOW! I get so nervous whenever the Cornhuskers play and recently they've given me plenty to stress about. Fortunately I don't really give a cat's behind who wins this year's Bowl (first time in three years one of my teams is not playing!) and so I can dedicate my time to preparing heart healthy foods for us. My list includes: fishables, red wineables, blueberries, oatmeals, and some more fishables. Mostly fishables. In the above photo I am eating HEART HEALTHY, pancreas friendly baby carrots.

And here my sissy and I are getting plenty of exercise (photo from the 3 hours we had snow 2 weeks ago):

Also, love keeps the heart in good shape and my gal Samantha--looking out for me--did a photo shoot to keep my heart a-flutter:

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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Bye John!

I was a little sad to hear that John Edwards was pulling out of the race. While I do like Obama (in part so I can shout OBAMAMAMA! every time he's on TV) Mr. Edwards was a friend of the working man--working men like me. Here's Edwards' very nice departure speech (much more dignified than Giuliani who said "As goes Florida, so goes America." And then found out that Florida doesn't like him, either):

As a fond farewell, here's a tribute in song by another union man, Billy Bragg:

Join the struggle while you may the revolution is just a bully stick away! And here is a tribute in roaching!

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Meaty Matters

My ma ape showed me this article called "Rethinking the Meat Guzzler" in the New York Times. I was VERY excited because I thought "meat guzzling! I could be eating meat without chewing? That will save me a lot of time." Turns out it's about how our meat producing processes are not very efficient and use a lot of energy. If everyone reduced their meat consumption by 20% it would be the energy-saving equivalent to everyone driving a Prius (one of those hybrid cars). I told my ma ape that I am already meat efficient because I eat meat but I don't let her eat meat. But she convinced me that if I want to do my part I should cut my meat consumption by 20%. Being a civic minded guy I agreed to cut back on the meatable eatables.

And then this morning I woke up and realized; she just tricked me into going back on my diet. I've been had, my friends. I've had the wool pulled over my eyes. Duped. Bamboozled. Hoodwinked. And by my own ape.

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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

A (Vick) Dog's Life!

CNN has a story about some of the dogs who were seized from the Michael Vick property last year. They were cared for and rehomed by a group out in California. And let's just say their life now sounds a bit more comfortable than the federal pen in Virginia. Some of the dogs have been taken in by Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah. They have video of the dogs on their page and you can even sponsor some of them. And check it out--the dogs even have their own lawyer!

The Oakland, California-based pit bull rescue and education group Bay Area Doglovers Responsible About Pit Bulls, or BAD RAP, which had done similar rescues from busts in California, asked Assistant U.S. Attorney Michael Gill for permission to evaluate and rescue as many of the dogs as possible, with the hope of eventually placing them in adoptive homes.

"Much to our amazement, he said yes," said Reynolds, who heads BAD RAP. "This doesn't happen. People don't say yes to pit bulls."

Gill declined to comment, but those familiar with the Vick case said the Justice Department hoped early on to find a way to give the dogs a second chance. As part of his plea deal, Vick agreed to pay for the dogs' care.

The court even appointed a guardian and special master, Valparaiso University animal law expert Rebecca Huss, who oversaw the dogs' disposition and recommended which rescue groups would accept them.

I hope Michael Vick buys them bully sticks and stuffy toys every day. And lobster and steaks. I hope they get access to his credit card and buy us ALL lobster and steaks.

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Monday, January 28, 2008

Wallytical News

I'm feeling a bit puckish. I'm not sure if it is my itchy stitchies OR if it was the realization that tonight is the LAST STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS EVER by W (is for Whoa Crap!). The state of the Duck is Lame! Only 357 days left in the reign of terror! The campaign begins NOW to reclaim the letter W!

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My Nip/Tuck!

I'm back from my little nip/tuck! My ma ape had second thoughts cuz it was just a little lump and my blood tests don't show any problems but the vet said it was a good idea so they can test the tissue and so it doesn't get any bigger. She was still skeptical BUT did it anyway. I was STOKED to get botox. I've been practicing how I want my face FROZEN. I also wanted more junk in my trunk because who doesn't want more of a good thing?

Here we are in the car on the way there! I am a little concerned. Will I fit in my skinny jeans after my tummy tuck? Do I also need a brow lift?

My sissy came with me so they could look at her EXPLODE-A-BUTT and make sure it was healing fine which it is.

And we had to get weighed. Look at how shocked I am by my sissy's chub! She gained a whole pound! (Um, so did I. Scale's broken, I tell ya.) Look at this 114 pounds of doggie goodness!

My sissy gets worry eyebrows while we wait. She is a big baby and has to sit on my ma ape's lap.

I'm smarter than her so I totally know that they can find me on my ma ape's lap so I hide under the bench or between the bench and the wall. Genius! So this next part they took me in the back for my surge-a-ma-ree so I'll let sissy tell you about how she pined for me while I was away.

WE didn't PINe at ALL. We GOT to go to the BASEBALLS FIELDS and plaYYY! Totally FUNNN! I forgot I even had a BROTHER!!! I FOUND a BASEBALLS!

I was totally super good and they just gave me lidocaine for the surge-a-ma-ree and I just laid on the table like a good boy. Until I was waiting in the cage and then I heard my sister come in and I cried like I was dying and the vet techs got scared I was hurt. Then my sissy cried out to me and I cried back and it was like a total sob fest and I stopped crying as soon as they took me out to my ma ape. They shaved a little spot on my chest so I am totally metrosexual now and I have THREE stitches which means sissy has to be nice to me.

My ma ape tried to get a picture of all of me but you can't see where I had my surgery. But here I am all tired and ready to go home. It all only took 30 minutes which was just long enough to get me duck jerky which I totally deserved.

Thanks for all the well-wishes. I will also accept hugs, smooches and bussie kisses.

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