Tuesday, June 20, 2006

my friend willie

here's the requested photo of my bud willie who has just adopted him a big-hearted naked ape of his own. good work willie!

here's my advice:

1) those big brown eyes are perfect for giving woeful looks at key moments when 1) you need belly rubs 2) you want a bite of that sandwich 3) when you've just been caught making a bed out of the dirty underwear you pulled out of the hamper. not that i've ever done that.

2) the naked apes will try to be tough and put you in your place like not letting you sleep on the bed, not letting you drool in their lap while they eat, or not letting you eat off of their plates. their steely resolve may be overcome but not with force. do not underestimate the power of a head hung slightly as if from sadness, or a well-placed sigh, or a small lick to the hand and a hopeful gaze up at them.

3) i understand you will be sharing your space with a goddamn cat. this is unfortunate but, frankly, you will have to tolerate said goddamn cat. this does not, however, mean, you have to like it. but instead of expressing your disdain openly, be sly. antagonize the cat by pretending you just want to "play." the naked ape will find this adorable, the goddamn cat will be appropriately bothered. steal the goddamn cat food whenever possible. drink from its bowl. occasionally nose through the litter. invade its space. cats hate that. and, of course, curl your cute little self up on your naked ape's lap and gaze blissfully (but slyly) at the goddamn cat who should, by this time, be appropriately deposed.

4) never forget--as much better as your life with the naked ape is, you've made an even greater improvement in hers. don't let 'em get complacent about the fabulous role you play in their life. frankly, we're miracle workers.

5) enjoy yourself!

even more dog news!

my gramps is mad for seaman, the newfoundland who really led the lewis & clark expedition. he's finally getting his own statue (seaman, not my gramps). i am often mistaken for a newfie puppy, in part because of my big head but also probably because of my unparalleled bravery. the statue looks an awful lot like me, though the expeditions i have led have mostly been to the refrigerator, the snack drawer, my swimming hole, and once into the neighbor's yard in search of sustenance:

Dave Borlaug, president of the foundation, said it's the only stand-alone statue of its kind honoring the dog that accompanied members of the Lewis and Clark expedition two centuries ago, providing companionship and fetching game.

beagles in the news

enough about naked apes and their games--i have dog news, much of it beagle related!

first, congratulations to belle the beagle who called 911 when her owner had a diabetic seizure. thank you for proving once again that we are indispensible to you naked apes while you apes are mostly good for getting the dog food out of the bottom of the bin when the level is too low for me to reach.

A 17-pound beagle named Belle is more than man's best friend. She's a lifesaver. Belle was in Washington, D.C., on Monday to receive an award for biting onto owner Kevin Weaver's cell phone to call 911 after the diabetic Ocoee man had a seizure and collapsed [...]
The dog periodically licks Weaver's nose to take her own reading of his blood-sugar level. If something seems off to her, she will paw and whine at him. "Every time she paws at me like that I grab my meter and test myself," Weaver said. "She's never been wrong."

also congratulations to willie, the devastatingly handsome bagel mix who has found his very own naked ape (send me a picture, willy!). nice name. i like how it sounds like wally but you don't quite steal my thunder. well done. be sure to use those sad eyes to get plenty of belly rubs and snacks.

bottom of the barrel

according to the news, hundreds of fans from the netherlands watched their latest game pantless because budweiser is the official beer of the world cup (tastes like the sweat of soccer players!). bavarian beer sold orange lederhosen but because advertising non-offical beer is verboten, the nederlande fans had to go sans hosen! congratulations, bud, you've created more publicity for bavaria beer than they could possibly buy! and you've probably created a new tradition for soccer fans. bottoms up!

my bottom is my best asset so perhaps i will have to root for holland.

wally wally ueber alles!

i'm getting ready for a little hooliganism following today's england-sweden match (me being the hooligan). i am rooting for sweden for two reasons. one being my undying devotion to my auntie ira which she earned by feeding me pastrami. i know she is really russian but the russkies stink at soccer. second, i hate those limey bastards. they have rudely usurped my people (the corgis) and made them into the symbol of their monarchy. dis-gus-ting. oh, and that british empire thing. also, they cheated against trinidad and tobago. (it involved hair pulling and the impossibly bendy peter crouch. see the video here.) it should come as no surprise that they are cheaters (the limey bastards) and they're still bitching about a match lost to argentina 20 years ago. look, you got the damned falklands. let my people go.