Wednesday, March 23, 2005

persistent vegetarian state

i have a question of legal and ethical importance. my mawma is in a persistent vegetarian state. she has not shown signs of eating (animal) life in almost 15 years. in fact, in the last few years she has gone into a complete vegan state showing no signs of animal product consumption. does that mean we can cut off her food? or better yet, i can have her share?

i also have a few requests for Mr. DeLay while he is writing legislation tailored for individuals. i would like you to propose these bills in my interest:

H.R. 101 The Feed Wally More Snacks Act of 2005
H.R. 102 The Feed Wally More Snacks While Giving Him Belly Rubs Act of 2005
H.R. 103 The Keep the Goddamn Cats Out of MY Yard Act of 2005 (with added amendment #2034 The Wally Still Gets to Eat Their Poop Amendment).

it would be nice if you would pass these acts today and wake the president up from his nap so he can sign them. and while you are at it, please force the federal court to rule that my my mawma cannot punish me for getting my dog food off the counter while she was in the other room because she didn't see me do it. thank you.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

note to naked apes

while trying to change the channel to animal planet, i overheard a goddamned florida republican comment that if terri schiavo was a dog and they let her starve to death, they would be subject to animal cruelty laws. first, please leave us out of your naked ape disputes. second, if i could no longer feed myself or move, my mawma could not starve me to death but she could take me to the veterinarian and have him stick a needle in me and "put me to sleep." third, you naked apes DO regularly starve us to death by abandoning us or allowing us to breed without providing us or our offspring with homes. millions of dogs are put to sleep every year (and just as many goddamn cats) because of naked ape neglect. so don't go on as if you have these elaborate protections of animals but none for naked apes. ok? your analogy is ridiculous.

now, no one asked me for commentary but since you dragged the dogs into it, here's my take. if you are genuinely concerned with the preservation of life, please provide health care for all the naked apes. take care of the homeless naked apes. think about the starving naked apes even if they don't happen to live in your city or your country. i'm a goddamned dog with supposedly inferior powers of reasoning and i see through your silly posturing and specious reasoning.

you made me get all goddamn serious and i don't appreciate it one bit, naked apes.

red apes

last night i watched a show on pbs called "from orphan to king." i was initially disappointed because i thought it was a documentary of my life. i went from being a rather pathetic looking little homeless dog to ruling the roost (and the dogpark). it was actually about an orangetang in borneo who, like me, lost his mawma, found a new one, and became large and in charge. i like tv shows i can pretend are about me.