In the meantime...

While my ape is away, if you are looking for some interesting reading, here is a link my pal Ike sent me about rare delicacies in China. He and I are planning a vacation to Beijing. Why? Well, his mom is totally weird and thinks eating bull penises (bully sticks) is totally GROSS. She's so weird! And so I sent some to Ike because I am totally subversive. And he loved 'em so I think he started looking on the internets for other pizzle snacks and now he and I are going on a tour--the BPP (bull pizzle pals!).

Read the link at your own peril. My ma ape has been an unusual shade of green all morning since looking at it.

Please call the SPCA

Look at this sad face. Why so sad? Neglect. My ma ape just informed me that she is going to a wedding in the Poke-a-Nose. And I don't get to be the flower girl. I don't even get to go along! Who will taste the wedding cake to make sure it is ok?

Sigh. And I will be unable to tell you about the following until she gets back: buffalo breakfast, morning playtime, major collision with Ethel, the world's greatest thief, and my sissy's terrifyingly enormous mouth. You will have to wait. So you should probably call the SPCA on YOUR behalf as well.

My First Okra.

So I was a bit misinformed about my garden. I was looking at the Oprah plants and, while impressed by the fact they towered over me, I was a little unsure how those plants were actually going to support an obscenely wealthy talk show host. And what if this happened?



But we have OKRA plants. Not Oprah plants. Poor choice, I think. Oprah might have given us all cars.

HERE is an OKRA:


Even my sissy is curious, though I think she thinks it is something for playing fetch.


I admit I'm not the biggest fan of the okras. But my ma ape likes to make gumbo, or bindi masala, or she just rolls them in cornmeal and spices and pan-fries 'em. And I say, the more Okras she eats, the more Wallymelon left over for me.

Goooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaalllllll!

We are SO BORED! The World Cup was last summer and the women's isn't for another year! So we decided to play a little futbol.

My sissy pretends she is Peter Crouch from England.




I suspect they might both be SUMDs (Skinny Ugly Mutant Dogs-(tm) Lurchers)

All legs and arms.



I don't know if my sissy does the robot dance, though.


I play goalie like Oliver Kahn from Germany. Nothing gets by me.


Me and Oliver are good goalies because we have big square heads! Unsere grosser Koepfen!



I think I won because I don't think you're allowed to bite the ball, Ethel. RED CARD!

Fairy Tails

Look! My sissy thinks she's a frog.


And here's the handsome prince the frog is supposed to turn into if you kiss it.

Gorge for Freedom!

The one thing I DO like about the fourth of July is the hot dog eating contest on Coney Island. What better way to celebrate America than stuffing your face with a nutritionally devoid food made of the leftover bits in meat processing plants and then trying not to barf? Awesome!

And this year there is a NEW champion, an America, who ate 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes. I say--AMATEURS! If I had to pull those suckers off the counter and eat them covertly before my apes caught me I could down 166! When will they let us dogs enter?

For those of you curious about what I had to eat for the holiday, here is a list: steak, shrimps, tuna, pup-aya, wallymelon, raspberries, marrow bone, banana, squashes, yams, aspara-Gus, frosty paw, mock duck, and blueberries.

Unhappy 4th of July!

At the risk of sounding unpatriotic (and either you are with me or you are against me), I hate the 4th of July. It's my least favorite holiday. Why? FIREWORKS. Hate 'em. I hate the firecrackers that make the popping sounding. I hate the fireworks with their booming noise. And I hate it when they make that squealing across the sky sound.

The only good part about the 4th is the BBQing.

Holidays I like: Thanksgiving, Christmas, my Burpday, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Arbor Day (I love the trees for providing shade to rest in and places to pee).

Holidays I dislike: the 4th, President's Day, Father's Day (guilty feelings), Labor Day (school is starting).

I'm on the fence about: Halloween (involves candy but I can't have chocolate anyway. And there was also that year I got dressed up by a ladybug. The horror!), Easter (I've yet to find that d*mn gigantic rabbit or the eggs he is supposed to leave around our lawn).

And we were supposed to get TROUTS for breakfast but then my ma ape forget to freeze them so we had fillet mignon instead. And it had better stop raining so we can BBQ. I saw shrimps.

Ask the Big Head

My ma ape has been down since hearing about Scubee so I thought I would do a post to pick-her-up! First by posting this picture of me that looks like I am just a GIANT HEAD with feet. Awesome!

Now down to business. I've been impressed with Nanook's blogging his Google searches because inquiring minds seem to find their way to his blog. However, I have found from looking at the Google searches that led peeps to my blog that apparently I do not attract the same crowd.

First, there was ONE legitimate question: What are frosty paws made of?

Answer: I don't know about the commercial ones without having the box. We make a variety of frozen snacks around here when it is hot to keep us hydrated. We use the Nanook paws recipe (or a variation--my ma ape is generally too lazy to FOLLOW recipes or measure things) that includes yogurt, peanut butter, raw honey, bananas and a variety of fruitables like wallymelon, can't elope, apples, musky melon, booberries and raspberries. The Dogs of Jackman Ave have a savory version with chicken broth, cheeseables and other snackies. My ma ape does the same thing sometimes. We also make my favorite FROOT SMOOSH. It includes a variety of fruitables like cherries, blueberries, wallymelon, etc. If that is in my bowl I eat it first even before the meatables!

OK, now on to the, erm, less informative searches:

1. newfie/shepherd: We don't have any here. But my sissy is part shepherd and sometimes people think I'm a Newfie puppy! My ma ape sometimes tells them that I am a TEACUP NEWFIE just to mess with 'em.
2. Polar Bear Poop: Is this for eating, rolling, or sniffing? My sissy is looking for some but has so far been unsuccessful.
3. "he's the man next to the man next to the goddamn man" I have no idea what you are looking for.
4. orson bedlam farm euthanized: I think you are looking for spoilers about Jon Katz's book. And (SPOILER!) yes, he euthanizes Orson, the dog who he credits with changing his life. I was a fan of Katz, especially the New Work of Dogs but I've soured a bit. He's rather judgmental about other dog owners and, frankly, is a little quick to discard his own.
5. disgusting pictures Sherman. I'm am certain this came back with NO PAGES FOUND because there are NO disgusting pictures of my friend Sherman. He is nothing but hotness radiating off the computer screen. You may have been looking for photographs by feminist artist Cindy Sherman. This is acceptable but don't you dare suggest anything about Sherman is disgusting.
6. slipping the tongue: I don't know if you're looking for instructions or what. Good luck with that. Don't get stuck on any braces.
7. Very cute puggle!!! Yes, with three exclamation marks. But there are none here. Might I suggest Sparky's blog?
8. Corgi fatty tumor: OK, this is a legitimate one. I've had some fatty tumors. They appear as little lumps that grow under the skin. If they grow quickly, get it removed immediately. If they grow slowly, consult with your vet about the best course of action. I have had two removed for biopsy and, fortunately, they were not cancerous. If I have any more I will probably just have a needle biopsy because with my ticker problems anaesthesia would be problematic. I believe these tumors are common on both of my breeds--the corgi and the lab. They are usually benign but it's best to get them checked out. And no, Ethel, my brain is not actually a fatty tumor. Nor is Fatty Tumor a good nickname for me.
9. pimping sissy audio. This is my response:

That is a look of disapproval. You will find no audio of me pimping my sissy because she is an Independent Woman (I may have loaned her out to MaxyV and Pippa, though).

Aaaaaaand, the two most common searches leading to my blog?

2. Margaritarator! Apparently this is a REAL product, or must be for the number of searches for it out there. And the first page that comes up is ME. This is what my ma ape calls her blender. Do you really need a special machine to make margaritas? Especially when the blender can also be used to make Froot Smoosh.

1. BIG ASS (I put it in caps). Well, I will give the people what they want:

Sad News

I got some sad news about my friend Scubee the Wienerblab who is very sick. He rescued his people over two years ago and is a great little guy. It always made me laugh that his profile said that he is the reigning champion purebred wienerblab. A champ indeed!

I hope everyone will go over and give his family some love at this sad time. I picked some of my favorite Scubee pictures.

Lads at Work

Many of you probably know Tadpole, the manliest dog on the Internets. His masculinity knows no bounds, including taking tender loving care of His Tree that he waters with some regularity.


So I've decided to emulate Tad on the machismo front. Here I am watering My Tree.


I feel so manly I want to sing "Macho Man" by the Village People, if only I had a cowboy outfit. Ethel, why are you laughing?

Happy Burpday IKE!

Happy Burpday to my good pal Ike Ike Baby! Don't forget to drop by Ike's blog to wish him a happy adoption day! He used to be a sex (puppy mill) worker in Missouri and now he's a sexy beast with his own home (with goddamn cats). He's a unique brown boxer with a tongue that just won't quit. Happy burpday big guy! (Note: the picture above is NOT Ike but is a recreation of what his burpday would be like if his mum didn't do such a good job of looking after his health. Below IS Ike in all his tonguey glory.)

EDITED: Joe noticed my GRIEVOUS ERROR. Ike is not a BOXER. He's a BOSTON! Yeesh! And on a guy's burpday, too.

Poverty & Pups

My granny sent me this story from the NYT about how human poverty often has ramifications for pet populations with an increase in abandonment and neglect.

Midnight dumping of unwanted dogs is common here on the southern tail of the Appalachian Mountains, where large numbers of poor people are attached to multiple pets but cannot afford to sterilize or vaccinate them, and where impoverished county governments do not maintain animal shelters, require licensing or enforce requirements for rabies shots.

The combination of pets and poverty, veterinary experts say, brings similar results to many rural areas: unhealthy conditions for oversized animal populations, desperate efforts by often-overwhelmed individuals to help and a lurking threat to human health.

It's a sad story but also not so sad because we can actually DO something about this sad story. It reminds us how important Gomer & Opie's 10K for shelter dogs is. Also, Cubby works pretty hard for the Legacy Boxer Rescue and right now they are transporting a whole bunch of boxers to northern states where they can be adopted.

I came from a poor, rural area myself so I really feel for the dogs in the story. I'm sure that's why my ma ape sent me the story, to remind my ma ape to spoil me!

My Wild Weekend

I have been having a busy weekend. I had many things to do.

First we went to Venison Field where we hunted the mighty deers. We had to walk around the edge to make sure Bambi wasn't hiding. We didn't find Bambi but LOOK! We found a plastic bag. That's exciting, right? It could either 1) have groceries 2) be a poop container!


Then I decided I'd try to teach my sissy to walk upright in case we need her to work as a spy and walk amongst the naked apes.


Um, I'm not sure a body is supposed to do that.


She'll need to do some work if she wants to blend in. My what big teeth you have, Ms. Ethel!

I was very busy, too. My weekend got off to a rough start. Here I am Saturday morning next to a toppled and nearly empty bottle of vodka and a bike helmet. I don't remember how THAT happened.


Why is it so bright and loud?

I practiced posing. These looks don't just handsome themselves, you know.


My handsomest grin. And if you look in my pupils you can see a reflection of my sissy's butt!


And we got our first veget-ables in the garden! Here is my very first eggplant. It's funny, when my ma ape said we had an eggplant I was excited because we eat a lot of eggs. But this doesn't look like the eggs I usually eat. We'll have to see how it tastes.


Here is my sissy standing next to the garden which has gotten SO BIG. The okra is on the left and the maters on the right.


And what did we do after the park and the vege-tables? Why, it's bone time, of course!