The Box

Nanook posted earlier this week that he is curious about Pressies. He will soon find out! I thought I would give him a preview. Ms. Mail brought us a BOX. Now, technically I don't think it counts as a prezzie when you order it for yourself but it DID come in a box all wrapped up so that counts for something.

Here's the box from Only Natural Pet Products. My ma ape likes them because they send my ticker meds. And one time when they messed up the order they sent me new hawthorne right away. (I am not getting any kick-backs from this. Though if anyone would like to send them in eatable form I'd appreciate it greatly).

Here my sissy inspects the box. I'm nice enough to let her share MY box even if she is mean.


We took everything out of the box. I approved each item personally. This time it wasn't so much medicine as FOOOOOOOD. I got cans of TRIPE. And some freeze-dried venison and SMELLY FISH SNACKS. Oh man, I got so excited I started to sound like my sissy. Gross.


I closed my eyes and thought about what it would all taste like. Mmmm.


Here I got to try one of the stinky salmon skin snacks that smelled SO GOOD my ma ape almost gagged! You KNOW it's good then!


I let her give one to sissy because sissy does something funny with smelly fish snacks. She takes them and she ROLLS on them so she smells like stinky fish snacks. She's so weird! AND stinky! Literally!


Can you smell my breath?

Sniff.

My sissy is mean.

Photographic evidence:


At least Peanut's got my back.

tHe truth About WalLEEEEEE!

My brother is napping so I AM stealIng his bloG!

He says he Doesn't havE SEEEEcretS but he has so many skeLetons In his CLoset. OK, but first, earlier this weeK he said Mean things about ME and I was all "don't call me a bItch" but then we looked it up in the DicTionary and I so dOn't get it. Why do nakEd Apes call each other Bitch as an inSult when bEing a gIrl dog is the GREATEST THING EVER?

THat relates to my first poinT. This morning the NYT had this story about how older siblings are SMARTER than the younger ones and Wally was so walking around like OWNED the PLACE. But then we had e-mail from my GRANNY because our ma APE is like ME and has an OLDER brother and GRANNY said "The Times study was only done on boys--I'm sure they'd find sisters are smarter."


That's RIGHT WallY! Sisters are SMARTERRRRRRRRRRRR. anD we know that's right because our MA APE is a sisterrrrrrr and she has DOGS and onkel eric just has BOOOOOOKS.


ok, and then look at THIS PICTURE. waLLY says i sleep with bungee corgee and pretend it is HIM but SO WHAT--HE DOES THE SAME THING. and also look! that red thing is a PURSE! waLly is so metrosexual and thinks he is DAVID BECKHAM with better hair and wives and maybe he was on queer eye for teh SHORT guy but he's got a PURSE.


and also the ma ape always says that he has a face that ONLY a motHer could love and, like, waLLY thinks that's a good thing but she says it cuz he's FUNNY LOOKING and FAT. like, when we were adopted (2 years apart) we BOTH weighed 53 pounds and he was SO FAT and i was SO SKINNY. and then look he has NO TEETH on the bottom. how does he get SO FAT when he can't even CHEW? I DONT KNOW.

also, the nickNAmes he wouldn't sHare earlier are fluffy butt, and big butt, and wallybelly and barfboy.

27 questions

Every doggie is doing it so here are are answers to the 27 questions going around. (Thank goodness no one's pestering me about secrets. Not that I have any. I let Ethel answer her own. My answers are preceded with a "W" (NOT for Dubya) and make sense. Ethel's are preceded by an E and are stoooooooopid.

1. Your age?

W: Ageless.
E: Maybe 3? YOUNGEr than old Man WALly

2. Your age when came to live with your people?

W: Four years ago. Age estimated at 8.
E: OOOOOOONE! Or two.

3. What color is the collar you’re wearing right now?

W: Polka dotty.
E: OOOOOrange. Like the Baltimore OOOOOOOOs.

4. Who is your favorite person other than the people you live with?

W: I don't warm up to peeps easily. But probably Mr. Rene who brings me snacks whenever he visits. Also Auntie Ira who I only met once but she fed me pastrami.
E: ANYOOOOOOOOOOOONE! Especially granny and gramps because we get to go to the PARK. And they feed me SNACKS.

5. How much do you weigh?

W: 42/3 pounds
E: 65 pounds

6. Most expensive thing you’ve ever chewed up?

W: I have destroyed some pockets but I'm not much of an illicit chewer.
E: I tore up Wally's bEd onCe. Haha. But I never chew on things i'm not supposed to. Sometimes I want to eat my brother. But he's not EXPENSIve.

7. Do you like other Dogs?

W: Used to. Now I'm a more private dude. I hurt my back a couple of years ago and I'm a little anti-social. But I have to live with at least one other dog or I get separation anxiety. I think I need some analysis. Pull up a couch!
E: NOOOOOOO! Sometimes. I love Wally and my friend Frodo. Usually I DON'T CARE unless they're annOYing ME.

8. Who is your best non-human friend?

W: MOCHA!
E: WALLY!

9. Squeaky Toys or Tennis Balls?

W: Squeakies all the way.
E: Tennis Balls! Where! Huh? Where!!??!?

10. Do you like to be brushed?

W: Not so much.
E: OK! Can I sit in YOur Lap?

11. Peanut Butter or Cheese?

W: PeeBee.
E: CheesE PLEEZ.

12. Do your people cut your nails?
W: Noooooooooooooooooo. I don't really need them cut. I walk a lot and when I go to get them cut there's nothing to cut.
E: No.

13. Any formal education?

W: I'm a Canine Good Citizen! Top of the class in TWO (beginner) obedience classes.
E: I took TWOOOOOO classes too. And flunked CGC!

14. Couch potato or Energizer Bunny?

W: Couchin' it.
E: BUUUUUUUUNNNNY! Where! Lemme chase it!

15. Five nicknames your people call you.

W: Wallisimo, Wawly Bottom, Sweet Pea, Sleepy Bo Peepy, The Boss
E: Stinky, W-T-L, Wethel, Spaz, The Deer Hunter

16. What is your best trick?

W: Total mind control over my ma ape. Also making food disappear.
E: CATCHING DEERS.

17. Do you like kitties?

W: NOOOOO! (Secretly: yes.)
E: Yes, for CHASING.

18. What did you have for breakfast?
W: Beef-ables, cottage cheese, chicken broth, veggie moosh, ticker meds, Dog Gone Pain
E: Same as Wally but I don't NEED OLD MAN pills.

19. Can you hunt (aka have you ever killed anything living)? If so, what?

W: Nope. I caught a rabbit once. Let it go. Caught a groundhog. It got the better of me. Aided and abetted the near capture of a deer. Currently I am stalking some cherry tomatoes in the garden and as soon as they are ripe they are SOOOOO mine.
E: A DEEEEEEEEERS! Once we caught a groundhogs but the apes made us let it go before i could hurt it. The apes always say NOOOOOOOOOO killing and I always WANT to hunt and they say NOOOOOOOO. Buzzkills.

20. When & why was the last time you went to the V.E.T.?

W: About three weeks ago for an ear infection.
E: Two months agO and I got SHOT! (Wally: She got shots. Not shot. No guns involved).

21. Where do you sleep at night?

W: Wherever I want. Usually in my bed in the people room. In the people bed in the winter.
E: In the ETHEL BED in the PEOPLEs BEdrooms.

22. Do you like to swim?

W: Only when I'm chasing Mocha. I'm more of a casual wader.
E: I like WADING and chasing the baLL but not SWimming TOO far.

23. Can you make puppies?

W: No. And I never did. I swear. No baby mama drama. Uh uh.
E: No SQUARED. THey spaded me TWICE.

24. Your favorite place to visit?

W: The park with shade.
E: DEers field! AnywHERE OFFleash.

25. Do you give kisses?

W: Yes. But mostly to my apes. I don't give it up that easily.
E: YES. to ANYONE. But I niP when I geT too exciTed.

26. Can you potty on command?

W & E: Sort of.

27. To Cuz or not to Cuz?

W & E: NO CUZ.

An unexpected turn of events

As anyone with a passing acquaintance with my or my blog knows, I love bully sticks. They were the one thing I could chew that I didn't wind up barfing up later because I swallowed big hunks of them. And I would chew them any chance I got. My sissy and I switched to raw a couple of months ago and now here is how I feel about bullies:


Meh. Not interested. The bully stick I had last week in those photos? Is still around the house. I munched a few times and then lost interest. Now other things make me make this face.


Frozen Meaty Bones! My sissy and I are very careful with our marrow bones and we strip them carefully.


Sometimes I have to stop and consider the nature of mortality.


Now get lost so I can eat.


This is a very curious turn of events as I generally am a chow hound--I'll eat anything. What will happen if I am no longer Wally Bully Lover? Have I become a food snob?

Wiiiiiiiimsey!

Nanook pointing something out about the story in my last entry. We are pretty sure that the bloodhound--is WIMSEY! Yes, the dogbloggin', dog showin' guy! Good on him! I was so distracted by the idea of sending my sissy on long runs (while I take leisurely strolls, taking time to pee on the roses) that I didn't even notice! Good on ya for being in the Times, Wimsey. They could use more quality contributors like you! In fact, you can replace Maureen Dowd. Her last column made me throw up a little.

Nice catch, Nanook!

Doggy Personal Trainers

Speed Demon!

The Times has an article today about dogrunners, people hired to take other peoples' dogs for runs in order to exhaust them.

The couple found their own dog runner, but in a growing number of cities one merely has to ask around a dog park or search Google to find one. At a time when affluent dog owners coddle their pets with massage, antidepressants and spa vacations, it’s not surprising that dogs have the equivalent of personal trainers.

“Dog running went from unheard of to über-hip,” said William Sharp, a part-time dog walker in San Francisco. “People like telling their friends, ‘I have to leave a key for Fifi’s dog runner.’ It’s far more sexy than ‘dog walker,’ which is so yesterday.” His business is down because, he said, “The runners are literally leaving me in the dust.”

This would be good for my overexcitable sissy but I'd prefer a personal chef to a personal trainer. I guess I do have a personal walker AND personal chef I call "Ma Ape" but maybe I should look into a professional.

I WANT

Meet BEAR (not the one in the Brat Pack.) He lives at the ASPCA in New York City and I found him on my daily trolling of Petfinder. Do you think he knows the Animal Precinct cops? I have been making the case for awhile that I need two things. 1) A monkey butler 2) a dog to pull Caesar Wally around in his chariot. THIS IS THE DOG. He is like a giant, droopier me. And there's nothing I love more than me. It's a maxi-me!

Confessional

So I think Doofus Tanner over at Joe's blog must be Catholic because he thinks we should all confess our secrets. I don't have ANY secrets but I thought I'd share my sissy's deep dark secrets.

First, when she thinks no one is looking my sissy snuggles with bungee corgi and pretends it is me.


Also, she is a doofus.

I have no secrets. None. Nope.

Political Prisoner

As you know, I've been planning The Revolution for some time. We four-leggers will rise up and overthrow the brutal domination and abject stupidity of the two-leggers. No longer shall the naked apes rule us with an iron fist with their leashes and their clickers and their tasty, tasty delicious snacks they use to bend us to their will.

Ahem. But, my friends, we have a short term goal to achieve first. My pal Ernest, a fellow friend in the normal-legged dog fraternity and also a Seattle dog has been thrown in the slammer, the clink, the hoosegow, the Big House. Or it might be rehab, I'm not sure.

It is our duty to spring him! And thus we must begin the campaign. First, we must make T-shirts.

I've decided to take photographs to inspire The Revolution. We will have to decide which is better.

Worried But Strong Revolutionary.

Disgusted and Resolute Revolutionary.

Free Ernest!

Exercising in the heat

It is hot. I believe at least 8,000 degrees outside. And humid. But those of us who much watch our figures have to find ways to get in some exercise when it is hot. My sissy Ethel and I do aerobics.

My sissy does an aquatics aerobics class.

It includes diving.

Lunges.

Pouncing. And paddling.

I take more of a landlubber's approach. Now, I do this in the altogether (other than my collar) so don't get overheated just watching.

Stretch 'em out.


Roach 'em in.

Wiggle about and GRIN.

I wanna be like Sherman

Some days I wanna be like Ike because, really, who doesn't! But I also wanna be like my friend Sherman. He's one of the Dogs of Jackman Ave and I wanna be like him because it wouldn't be much work. I'm ALREADY like Sherman. We're both very compact, we have sometimes annoying and mean sissies, we have girlfriends in the Brat Pack, and we are loveable galoots.

Here's Sherman with his toys. I like toys too!


Here's Sherman eating. I like eating too!


Here I am trying to eat like Sherman, I'm showing my teeth! Aren't we both ferocious!


And slipping a little tongue.


And Sherman recommended the Furminator to make us prettier.


So WE got a Shermanator, too! This is a pile of sissy. She lost about half her weight getting brushed. I'm a little Shermanator shy because I'm afraid of brushes with handles but I have contributed my own little piles.


Wally and Sherman BFF!

(P.S. I'm sorry I made fun of Pittsburgh. I didn't mean it. And look! We have a Steelers Furminator!)

Random moments in the life of Wally

So there's not much going on but the puperazzi still insist on stalking me.

Here I look gloriously happy. Actually this is Crazy Face from the thunderstorm last Tuesday.


I think this face captures my feelings on this rude invasion of my privacy:

Here the puperazzi are doing a great job! This is my sissy doing a silly walk. I usually get so many comments "Oooooh, she's so pretty, ooooh your sissy is so graceful." She has her moments.

Ewwww! That's my goopy ear! My ma ape suspects that the owie above my ear might be a bite or a sting, maybe a bee sting because I like to chase busy bees. And maybe my ear infection from a couple of weeks ago was actually from me scratchin' my owie. It looks better though and I'm not infectious, Sophie and Sam!


Today it was hot so I got in my comfy hole. And still the puperazzi want to follow me in my moment of heat.


I want to be alone!

A Weekend in the Life of Wally's Food

Weekends are a busy time. My ma ape has to get me food for the week so I don't starve. I always threaten to call the SPCA if she's a little slow with the dinner so she works hard on the weekend. I work hard supervising.

First, she had to take care of my garden where she is growing tasty vege-tables. Yes, I DO like vege-tables. Especially with my meat-ables. But I was SHOCKED when I saw she was putting THIS out there:


Hummus and manure? Every morning when we go walking I put out some perfectly good, even superb manure and she puts it in a bag and throws it away! And then she goes and buys a bag full of it? Sheesh! No wonder she's always complaining about being broke. If she bought me hummus I'd make all the manure she wants. Anyway, she spent the weekend literally shoveling sh*t. Which is not so different from her day job as I understand it.

Then she put down red mulch on the garden so we have a CORNHUSKER garden:


And then they grilled outside. I have to guard the grill so none of the neighbors steal dinner! That cockapoo next door was looking at the grill all funny and there were salmon-ables on there! No way, Jose.

Look at our meaty sink! My ma ape went to the store to get my weekly meatables. She puts them in single serve packages to go into my freezing box. She got me some beefy meats, some chicken meats, some cornish hen meats and even some lamb shanks! She has to label what's in the bag with what's in it and whether it's a Wally size portion or an Ethel size portion. I tried to relabel them to all say "Wally" but it's hard without opposable thumbs.


And look here! Frosty paws! She made two ice cube trays full and so they're in little bite size snackies for us to eat when it is HOT. Which it is NOW. And yet, I'm not eating one. What's wrong with this picture?


Here I am enjoying my lamb shank. My ma ape doesn't allow the other ape in the house to eat lamb cuz she feels bad for the lambs. But she lets ME! She's funny that way. (Also called inconsistent! But foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. (Thanks Ralph Waldo!) And I have a big brain. That's why my head is so big.

My sissy does the splits for her lambie. How does her body do that?