Friday, January 28, 2005

dick. (cheney, that is)

check out this picture of dick cheney at auschwitz for the anniversary of the liberation of the camp. apparently he came early to shovel the snow for everyone else since everyone else is dressed so formally for the occasion while he looks like he stepped out of an l.l. bean catalog. very nice of him. i take back what i said about him kicking puppies. he probably only kicks full grown dogs.

now, before someone submits my blog to the fcc for obscene content for using the word dick, i'd like to clarify that from now on i will substitute the word 'cheney' for the offending term. because he's the real dick.

i'd like to add I'm real mad that both king kaufman at Salon and maureen dowd at the NYT have tried to steal my thunder, and my gravy train, by offering their columns for sale to the bush administration. i would just like to say, why hire yet another naked ape (and at appears you have hired quite a few) when you could have a dogblog? granted, they may have a wider audience and may not lick their genitalia, er, cheney, in front of company but, looking at the public's trust in the media, they might be more willing to listen to a dog. hell, if tucker carlson can get his own show i should get dan rather's anchor job.

to end on a happier note, e-a-g-l-e-s BEAGLES! (patriot fans are cheneys!)

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

blog for sale, mr. bush!

dear mr. bush,

it has come to my attention that in addition to paying mr. armstrong williams to report favorably on your 'no brat left behind' program, you also had maggie gallagher on your payroll to promote your pro-marriage initiative. i would like to get on the gravy train, and you may, in fact, pay me in actual gravy.

i realize that i have appeared on a website (Dogs Hate Bush) that may be seen as reflecting less than positively on your administration. however, this would only enhance my credibility since you could make the claim that you have won over a skeptic. here are my qualifications:

1. i have no education and therefore am not tainted by the lefty smarty pants liberals (my mawma aside but i rarely listen to her unless what she's saying includes the word "snack" "park" "good boy" or "dinner").
2. like you, i like to think of my intellectual and linguistic shortcomings not as liabilities but as evidence of my ability to relate to the common man or, as i like to call him, the average ape.
3. sometimes my mawma accidentally leaves the tv on fox "news" during the day. i have learned how to use phrases like 'some would say' in order to present my opinion or unfounded rumor as unbiased and objective reporting. i use it often like 'mawma, some would say you should spend your evening rubbing my belly while feeding me sausages.'
4. i have even developed my own catchphrase that is a variation of bill o'reilly's--you! SHUT IT. also, bill and i both like felafel.
5. i also have delusions of my own divinity.

given enough gravy, i would be willing to defend any number of positions ranging from environmental devastation to killing social security (aka, handouts for old codgers) to compulsory expressions of reverance for the little baby jesus. whatever. have your naked apes call my naked apes.

Monday, January 24, 2005

is mrs. bush cheating?

i knew that would make you look. i blogged earlier about norweigians thinking that bush was hailing the devil (quite possibly) when he (or his daughter) flashed the stupid hook 'em horns sign at the inaugural parade. it appears there are more culturally specific meanings of the stupid texas hand gesture:

In Mediterranean countries, it implies a man is a cuckold, the victim of an unfaithful wife. In parts of Africa, it's used as curse and in many European countries it's used to ward off "the evil eye." In Russia, it's a symbol for so-called New Russians, the newly rich, arrogant and poorly educated.

In sign language, it means "bull----," which elicited a surprised giggle from the first lady's press secretary, Gordon Johndroe of Fort Worth, Texas, himself a University of Texas grad. When told its meaning by the New York Daily News, Johndroe replied, "Texans have been known to BS every once in a while.

so many possible jokes to make--rich, arrogant and poorly educated? evil? bullshit? you naked apes just make it too easy.

my uncle eric tried to make this into a dissertation on the relationship between signs and their referents. as a dog, i don't need to make any fancy-ass references to structuralist theories of language to explain the slipperiness of signifieds under the signifiers--you're sliding around on bullshit, sir. put down the hegel, eric. too much german theory is bad for you. rubbing a dog's belly will teach you much more. the master/dog dialectic is much more interesting. (we know which one is the slave in this instance.)

snow babies

Originally uploaded by cerasmus.
look! this is my buddy kellen in the snow in minnesota. he is just learning to talk so I don't know if he sounds like the people on "fargo." he is with my other friend tyson, who has never met me but she loves dogs so surely she would love me. she is obviously one of the smarter naked apes.

kellen and i have a lot in common. we like food and playing and love our mawmas. unfortunately, kellen has not yet learned the magic of naps. perhaps i could teach him about the importance of beauty rest. kellen and i also both have short legs which makes the snow tough for us but we sure do entertain you long legged naked apes when you watch us play in the snow.

i will have to blog a picture of me in the snow so kellen can see me, his fellow short legged guy, in the snow. we are thousands of miles and many species apart but are brought together by our humorously unstable bodies and stumpy legs. shut up, tall naked apes!