Wednesday, January 26, 2005

blog for sale, mr. bush!

dear mr. bush,

it has come to my attention that in addition to paying mr. armstrong williams to report favorably on your 'no brat left behind' program, you also had maggie gallagher on your payroll to promote your pro-marriage initiative. i would like to get on the gravy train, and you may, in fact, pay me in actual gravy.

i realize that i have appeared on a website (Dogs Hate Bush) that may be seen as reflecting less than positively on your administration. however, this would only enhance my credibility since you could make the claim that you have won over a skeptic. here are my qualifications:

1. i have no education and therefore am not tainted by the lefty smarty pants liberals (my mawma aside but i rarely listen to her unless what she's saying includes the word "snack" "park" "good boy" or "dinner").
2. like you, i like to think of my intellectual and linguistic shortcomings not as liabilities but as evidence of my ability to relate to the common man or, as i like to call him, the average ape.
3. sometimes my mawma accidentally leaves the tv on fox "news" during the day. i have learned how to use phrases like 'some would say' in order to present my opinion or unfounded rumor as unbiased and objective reporting. i use it often like 'mawma, some would say you should spend your evening rubbing my belly while feeding me sausages.'
4. i have even developed my own catchphrase that is a variation of bill o'reilly's--you! SHUT IT. also, bill and i both like felafel.
5. i also have delusions of my own divinity.

given enough gravy, i would be willing to defend any number of positions ranging from environmental devastation to killing social security (aka, handouts for old codgers) to compulsory expressions of reverance for the little baby jesus. whatever. have your naked apes call my naked apes.


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