Friday, February 04, 2005

a weekend of bowls

since i live within the philly tv station broadcast zone i have heard NOTHING but superbowl all goddamn week. now, i'm a pretty big football fan and i have nothing against the superbowl, especially when it involves snacks, but it's really cutting into the usual local news fare of stupid criminals and funny animals. all i hear is will t.o. play or not? what the hell is a "t.o."? is it related to b.o.? i'm familiar with that. it's my understanding that whatever this "t.o." thing is, it broke its leg a few weeks ago and now wants to play football anyway. you naked apes are really stupid, it's a wonder natural selection hasn't knocked you out already.

at any rate, there are many other bowls this weekend including this morning in philly they held the wing bowl which almost caused a riot when far more naked apes showed up than could fit in the 20,000-seat stadium. and, of course, being the apes that you are, the already-drunk primates started hooting and hollering and throwing beer cups. anyway, i'm real mad my mawma wouldn't get up at 3 a.m. to take me to philly because i most definitely would have won. my time on the street taught me eat or be eaten. and damn it, i can eat. and if they're rioting over the wing bowl? i don't think philly is going to make it through the weekend--they win, they riot and burn down the city. they lose, they riot and burn down the city. again, i ask, why hasn't evolution taken you out yet?

second is the puppy bowl. it appears to be an hour of television consisting almost entirely of puppies running around on a faux football-field doing cute puppy things. i will be rooting for the frogdog, itsy, and roxi the corgi mix.

e-a-g-l-e-s BEAGLES! please win so the naked apes are happy.

wallies wallies everywhere

so i've been reading about cloning animals in harper's; they think it might help revive endangered or even extinct species. of course people want to clone their pets since we are always doing things like saving your lives, or your feet. but why are you stupid naked apes starting with goddamn cats? have i mentioned i hate cats? because i am so selfless, i decided to look up pet cloning for the naked apes that i own since they certainly will want more of a good thing, me. i have to admire the funny name of the biggest company, genetic savings and clone. all you have to do is send tissue samples plus $900 (and $100/year) and they will gene bank your pet. then some more money for the actual cloning. they hope to clone a dog this year. so, basically, all of you naked apes could get yoruself a little piece of wally. now it may seem a little unethical to spend thousands and thousand of dollars cloning a pet when there are millions of animals euthanized every year but i am an endangered species since i am one of a kind. and, really, it would be selfish of me to keep this perfect dna all to myself. i wonder, though, would i recognized the cloned wallies as related to me? would i be jealous? would i boss them around--what if they were as bossy as me? could i control my whole army of wallies? oops, i may have revealed a bit too much about my cloning plans.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

goodbye sammy!

my friend sammy sosa (named after the very handsome show dog, I think) is leaving the cubs for the orioles. it's sad he's leaving the team so associated with him, even if it is to move closer to me. it's probably the best since he's been batting worse than i could (and i lack opposable thumbs).

since the cubs are now lacking a mascot (let's face it, smilin' sammy was, sometimes, more a symbol than a person), i'd like to volunteer my services. i've always thought i'd be a good rally wally for the chicago teams because i look a little bit like a bear cub and i'm a bit rough around the edges, kind of like chicago. also, they always do well in the "fat city" rankings which means that, like me, they love their chow. and they have a dog park there named "wiggley field" i've always wanted to visit because of my love of puns. so, mayor daley, give me a call. will work for ballpark snacks.

best of luck, sammy.

Monday, January 31, 2005

22 shopping days left.

Wally With Baboon
Originally uploaded by cerasmus.
dear naked apes,

this is a picture of me with my favorite holiday gift, the blue butted baboon. i like to play with him because he is a relative of you naked apes so i can take my aggression out on him. kind of like my blog where i can talk about your general silliness, rather than telling you to your faces how much you exasperate me.

i posted this picture to remind you that you only have three weeks until february 22. i know that you are aware that this is my birthday. i have discriminating tastes in that i like anything that i can eat or that squeaks. no cats, even though i can eat them and they squeak when i try to do so.

you'd better get your shopping done soon. i don't accept belated birthday greetings (though i do accept the gifts) and i do hold grudges.

eric, i AM absolute spirit.

my uncle eric posted a nice reply to my suggestion that he do less german philosophy. i owe him a response.

you claim that you have entered into a masochistic contract with UIC. if you read your deleuze (and sacher-masoch) a little more carefully I think you will find that you are not in a masochistic relationship with UIC, which would imply that you will ultimately derive pleasure (though not gratification) from your pain and in which, in sublimating your own desire, you also derive a form of power. rather, i believe you have entered a sadistic relationship in which your pain benefits only the sadist. therefore, i would suggest reading hegel's pupil marx. you could use a little materialist philosophy. i myself refuse to allow my labor to be exploited. therefore, i do no labor. it is my contribution to class warfare.

also, you quote this passage from hegel:

"Even the animals are not shut out from this wisdom [the wisdom of the Eleusinian Mysteries, which teach humans to "doubt the being of sensuous things"] but, on the contrary, show themselves to be most profoundly initiated into it; for they do not just stand idly in front of sensuous things as if these possessed intrinsic being, but, despairing of their reality, and completely assured of their nothingness, they fall to without ceremony and eat them up."

since i have nothing to do all day but watch animal planet and try to get snacks off the pantry shelves, i'd like to check this out for myself. where does this passage appear? i am a fan of any philosophy that advocates eating things up, though i am skeptical of anyone who makes claims on behalf of animals. you naked apes and your anthropomorphism. after all, what are you if not animals? i wonder if he felt a little silly imagining animals despairing of their reality and assured of their nothingness? for all your doubt and skepticism you seem pretty comfortable making universal claims for the whole of living beings, not just all your naked ape friends. chutzpah. too much time around goddam cats if you ask me.

perhaps your cure, eric, is less german philosophy, more german living. beer and brats. eat them up.