Foodie Post

I like to talk about my food. And so, I will.

First, I'd like to share my progress in my hunt for the First Tomato of the Season. I am drawing near to the kill. I stalk it every time I go outside and any day now it WILL be MINE.

But first, we had to have dinner. Imagine my surprise when my ma ape said we were having Quayle!



The former Vice President? My ma ape likes to joke that she is a vegetarian who is not opposed to cannibalism because she LIKES animals, people not so much. But I thought she was joking.

And recent history has been kind to Mr. Quayle. I mean, remember the halcyon days before the Imperial Vice Presidency when the Veep spent his time teaching mis-spelling to grade schoolers and scolding fictional characters?


Hmmm. He tastes like poultry. Chickenhawk?

The Nanook & Pook' Bonanza!

Today I was harassing the mail carrier, as per usual, when I noticed she had a package with MY NAME on it. Not Ethel's, not the Ma Ape's, not even Wally & Ethel but WALLY THE CORGADOR! That's ME!

I had to investigate.


My pals Nanook and Pooka sent me a package with a bonanza of exciting things! It even had a fish theme with Zuke's Salmon Snacks (drooooooool) and a fish toy like the one Nanook rated a two-slinger this week!


I am doing my excited bug eyes for my Zuke's.


And then I played with the new squeaker which is rated a SEVEN on the toughness scale. I know Nanook sent this to me because I am a TEN on the tuffness scale. I need mighty toys.


Look at THIS face I'm making. Am I played out? Too many Zuke's? Is the smell of the ma ape's toes (in the corner) too much for me?


No! While I was playing look who absconded with the bully stick they sent!


Sigh. Well at least Nanook gave me my new favorite nickname. The CorgaDorian Gray. Does he know my secret? I don't seem to get any older while my ma ape gets more and more grey hairs!

Nanook, you have truly mastered the art of the prezzie.

Thanks guys!

Better Know a Naked Ape

I have been tagged by my pal Sherman over on Jackman Ave to share a bit about my naked ape (yawn!) and I've decided to do it in the style of Stephen Colbert's Better Know a District series in which he interviews House of Representatives members. You can watch those here.

As you can see he asks great questions and sometimes creatively edits the answers. Also--I should give Tadpole a shout-out for the interviewing idea.

Wally (W): Hi Ma Ape!
Ma Ape (MA): Hi Wally. Why are you giggling.
W: Nothin'. How old are you?
MA: That's a rude question Wally.
W: I bet it's older than me. How much do you weigh?
MA: Wally, that's even more rude.
W: More than me?
MA: Of COURSE.
W: Then why do I have to go on a diet.
MA: You make a very loud point, Wally. Next question?
W: How did you make the best decision of your life (ie, adopting ME)?
MA: I had a corgi growing up...
W: Why do you like corgis? Is it because they have short legs and big butts like you?
MA: ..and I looked on Petfinder. I decided to go and LOOK at you and as soon as I saw you I decided to adopt you.
W: Because I was so handsome, eh?


MA: Actually, you were kind of path...
W: Next Question! What do you do in order to earn money to buy me snacks?
MA: I am a social scientist.
W: What the hell is that?
MA: I study people.
W: Why don't you study dogs?
MA: Because I don't have tenure yet.
W: Why don't you earn more money so I can have more snacks and stuffies?
MA: Because I don't have any marketable skills other than reading books.
W: I see. How long have you been a vegetarian?
MA: Almost 17 years
W: And how much of your life is that?
MA: A little over half.
W: Let me do the math...so that makes you..
MA: Wally!
W: OLD!
W: OK, your vegetarianism bores me. What sports do you like?
MA: I like to swim and jog and I enjoy lifting weights. I like to watch football and soccer.
W: What football teams do you like?
MA: I mostly like college football--Nebraska football. And in pro I like the Seahawks, the Eagles, and the Bears.
W: What a coincidence! I like them too! If you were not a social scientist what would you be?
MA: A primatologist. Or a lottery winner.
W: Why aren't my granny and gramps visiting me?
MA: Because you bit your gramps WHILE he was giving you a snack last time. And they're very busy. They like to travel a lot to more interesting places than YOUR house.
W: Why are they so much more interesting than you?
MA: Why are you being so mean to me?
W: Because with these big brown eyes I can get away with it.
MA: Wally, I don't think this is very interesting for anyone.
W: I know you're not. So I'm going to put some pictures of me in to spice it up. Thanks, ma ape!



I'm off to do some taggin'.

The Origins of Evil

The NYT has an article about DNA tests they think show the origins of today's housecats go back 10,000 years to the Near East, around the same time grains were domesticated and cats were valuable for managing mice and rat populations. Here is a classic case of how "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" can go wrong. You befriend these goddamn cats in order to get rid of the rats. Now who will get rid of the cats! Couldn't we learn from this in our foreign policy?

Seven Easy Pieces

Pippa tagged us to share 7 things about ourselfums. Since I know he did it just cuz he looooooves Ethel I will give her some airtime. Here we go:

1. Ethel is afraid of people being loud, plastic bags, getting in trouble, clicker training, and the ma ape because she's the only one that disciplines her.

2. Wally is afraid of thunder, starvation, babies/children crying, fireworks, being alone, SciFi movies about genetically modified animals, the cancellation of Victoria Beckham: Coming to America, and starvation

3. Ethel loves to spend her days patrolling the yard. She runs the back fence and tries to catch squirrels that run back and forth on the 'lectric lines by jumping up and down.

4. Wally loves to spend his days napping, inside or outside. He occasionally rouses himself to bark at the cockapoo next door.

5. Wally and Ethel are flummoxed by the Rottenweiler next door whom they can hear AND smell but not see. When she hears it, Ethel bounces around on her back legs like a dog in the circus trying to see over the 9 foot fence. She has a lack of understanding of height.

6. Wally and Ethel go for a walk every morning at 4:30 a.m. Their ma ape can hear them stirring at around 3:30, ready to go. If she rolls over, Wally comes to the edge of the bed and stares at her. Ethel will sometimes poke her, in the bum if she has to. They like to go to bed at 9 p.m. And take long naps in between.

7. During walks the most commonly heard phrases are "Ethel, don't pull" "Ethel, leave it." and "Wally, don't pee on the flowers." Heard by the ma ape, anyway, we mostly ignore her.

Braying Asses

Can you spot the Big Ass in each of these pictures? It appears ol' Mitt (currently a frontrunner in the GOP Prez race) has a small penchant for animal cruelty. Hilariously, he revealed it as a part of a story he thought would show his Presidential muster:


The reporter intended the anecdote that opened part four of the Boston Globe's profile of Mitt Romney to illustrate, as the story said, "emotion-free crisis management": Father deals with minor — but gross — incident during a 1983 family vacation, and saves the day. But the details of the event are more than unseemly — they may, in fact, be illegal.


The incident: dog excrement found on the roof and windows of the Romney station wagon. How it got there: Romney strapped a dog carrier — with the family dog Seamus, an Irish Setter, in it — to the roof of the family station wagon for a twelve hour drive from Boston to Ontario, which the family apparently completed, despite Seamus's rather visceral protest.


Poor Seamus! I would like to see if Mittbot makes that same honking noise my Big Ass does if I bite him in the belly. But maybe Mittbot could incorporate it into a campaign slogan: "America: Get in the car with Romney, get crapped on."

"We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." Immanuel Kant.

Feelin' Groovy

In spite of this picture where it looks like my head is spinning and I'm about to barf up green sludge, I'm feeling much better! I was sick for about an hour total. I barfed, I went and laid down on the tiles, I got up, I started begging for food.

However...the barfing DID get me 1) loads of belly rubs 2) several frosty paws 3) loads of sympathetic comments 4) more attention than my sissy. This seems like a good deal! (But the ma ape says--no bulimia!)

I do have to say, though, that many of you MISSED THE POINT of me wanting sympathy. Even if I am keeping down my food and I'm running around like a maniac with my toys again--my sissy still showed her true colors! I've never eaten from her bowl before she was done! She always lets me know when I can move in and mop up. But she ate the best parts of mine BEFORE she was done and WHILE I was barfing. No loyalty!

Dogs Aye View 10K

If you haven't already, visit Gomer & Opie's blog not ONLY because they're awesome generally but also because they are doing a fundraising thing for dpg rescue! Everyone who visits means more money for dogs who are still looking for homes. You don't have to do anything but visit a really cool blog!

So DO IT.

Rescue rules. I've been rescuing my apes since 2003.

Under the weather

Or over this weather, perhaps. This morning after my regularly scheduled walk in the wee hours of the morning, I felt a bit poorly. In the middle of my breakfast I had to beat a hasty retreat. There was some barf. And while I was in the other room, barfing, my sissy snuck over to my bowl and ate my leftover tripe. So much for sweet lil' sissy. Kick a dog while he's barfing. The suspected culprit is possible overheating or drinking my water too fast.

After a brief layabout, I played with my Big Ass and have kept down a frosty paw. I still want sympathy.

Dogocracy

Don't forget the Dogs With Blogs polls for June. ALL the blogs nominated for June are FANTASTIC.

I also should say that my pal Ruby Bleu was nice enough to nominate my lovely mug for the picture of the month. It's that picture of me in black and white (oooh--arty farty!). There are loads of good pictures, too, including a lot of my pals!

Remember, this is a dogocracy and every vote counts!

It's a small world!

Sometimes strange things happen. This morning I had a comment on a very old post from Jeremy. My old post was about hearing a caller on Car Talk describe her laborgi from Wenatchee, Washington who had eaten their seatbelt. I was curious about her since I am from central Washington and I joked that our proper breed name is CORGADOR.

Jeremy's wife was that caller! And THAT is their beautiful laborgi Amy!

It's a small world--perfect for short legs.

Advanced Wallosophy

From the comments on my previous post I see that many of you have already earned your Wa.Ds and are officially Doctors of Wallosophy. Well done! (I understand many of you already have B.S. degrees.)


Ike was disappointed that my inner monologue was not more political. Well, Ike, can you guess what I'm thinking about in THIS picture?



I'm hungry. And I'd like to be gnawing on Dick Cheney while listening to ABBA sing 'Gimme gimme gimme (a man after midnight).' Do you know what evil tastes like? Overcooked gamey chicken. If you'd like to know how evil operates then I recommend the WaPo's series on The Dick. You should probably be humming the Imperial March in your head as you read it. Though singing ABBA keeps me from losing all hope.

Learning to Listen

MSNBC has been running a story about talking to a listening to (hey--pay attention to the latter!) your pet. It discusses how you apes could be a LOT less annoying if you would just learn to pay more attention to our cues.

Here is a short quiz in Wallyology. Can you tell what I'm try to say with each of these looks?



A) Why is that hand behind me and not petting my sweet spot?
B) Dick Cheney is flauting the law AGAIN.
C) I'm hungry
D) Why are they taking my picture when there's snot coming out of my nose?


A) Is it time for bed yet?
B) I'm pretend-yawning to put the moves on my date
C) I'm hungry
D) I'm actually doing an ABBA sing-along


A) Monday again?
B) Can we please turn away from Fox News? I'm losing brain cells
C) I'm hungry
D) Global warming, civil war, famine, health care crisis. Can you apes do anything right?

A) What? Sissy's going to the vet?!
B) Barack Obama has chosen my remix of ABBA's Wallyloo for his campaign song?
C) I'm hungry!
D) Is that the ABBA Gold DVD?!?

If you answered C) for all of the above you are correct. Also, I do love ABBA.

I'm so embarassed.

I went to check out what my blog is "rated" and this is what I found out:

Mingle²

And that rating was based on the appearance of the word "hurt" and "knife." What? I guess they missed my numerous references to polyamorous relationships, my blog entirely about tongues, me offering my sissy's paw in whatever to various other dogs and the assortment of pictures of me eating meaty goodness. What does a dog have to do to get an R rating around here?

Is it because I'm fixed?

UPDATE: I re-rated myself and apparently I've gotten naughtier simply by virtue of including a link rating myself. Curious:

Mingle²

Slipping Some Tongue

My sissy has a very undignified tongue. It is always flopping around the place like she's got a flounder in her mouth.


Even when she's just sitting still it flops out and makes her look, well, doofus-y. Now, the problem is not the tongue per se, but in how she is using it. I thought she could use a lesson in proper tongue wagging.


Here is Ike, the master of The Tongue. He demonstrates his patented push-out tongue maneuver. See the way he becomes one with the protruding tongue? He owns the tongue, not the tongue owning him.


Tofu Burger here demonstrates a gentle downward facing tongue, a difficult move achievable only by a true tongue master.


And Wally, with a swift but controlled curl upward.


Ethel, get your tongue sorted!

Wallymelon Sunday

It's hot and I'm hungry. What better snack than WALLYMELON. Now, my Canadian Cutie Sophie wondered if I have turned on my favorite red snack. NEVER!

Here my sissy and I check out our prey.

I have to do a little taste-test.

Chomp.

Chew.


Ahhhhhhhh.


Even carnivore sissy wants some. Stop thief!


Another satisfied customer.

About D*mn Time!

My granny just alerted me to this story in the Seattle PI about a dog who has been voting. I say--about time! You naked apes have really been mucking up the whole voting thing--why shouldn't we get our shot?

The only problem? Naked ape candidates. We need to be sure to secure the vote by the time Ernest mounts his meteoric rise on the political scene, not stopping until he's President.

Then comes the revolution.