Walloween Tails

My granny sent me two spooooooky stories to share for Walloween. The best part? They are TRUE. Be afraid, apes, be very afraid (four legs gooooooooooood, two legs in trouble!):

1. The Dick Cheney of Dogs:

A man out hunting in Iowa was shot in the leg after a hunting dog stepped on his gun, authorities said.

The accident happened after James Harris, 37, put his gun on the ground to retrieve a fallen pheasant.

One of a pack of hunting dogs following behind stepped on the trigger, and up to 120 birdshot pellets hit Mr Harris in the left calf at short range.

2. Killer Cows in Sussex:

A Sussex policeman has been discharged from hospital after an attack by about 50 cows left him with four broken ribs and a punctured lung.

Insp Chris Poole, 50, said the cattle repeatedly butted and stamped on him when he was out walking his dog on the South Downs earlier this month.

The officer, from Brighton, said he was crossing a field along a footpath.

One cow butted him in the back, forcing him to the ground, before the others joined in, he recalled.

Look out naked apes!

Who you callin' ugly?

According to Travel & Leisure we live (outside of) the ugliest city in America--Philly! Obviously they didn't see these lovely mugs.

From the article:

The city of more than 1.5 million people was also found to be among the least stylish, least active, least friendly and least worldly, according to the "America's Favorite Cities" survey by Travel & Leisure magazine and CNN Headline News.

Who you callin' unfriendly? Just because I'm missing most of my teeth doesn't mean I won't bite you!

The Money Pit

My Granny sent me this MSNBC story about how much you apes spend on us pets ($41 billion/year--ie, NOT ENOUGH!). She wanted to know if I am going to get NEUTICLES--prosthetic testicles (cuz that's what the story opened with). I'm shocked! Shocked! That's personal, granny. Any bodily functions, inappropriate humping, my big ass, and my dirty dreams are all fair play but not my, um, missing bits!

Just kidding. I have no shame; I'll talk about anything including my phantom testicles. But let's talk about this $41 billion. I'm a little annoyed that they lumped together high-quality food, training, vet bills, and day-care/kenneling with neuticles, Hermes bags, and plastic surgery as similarly extravagant (and perhaps silly) expenses. Sure, you apes have a tendency to project your lifestyle onto us but I'm not so sure that wanting us to eat well is equivalent to making us wear a $4000 collar. I hate how these stories throw out the most bizarre possible examples in order to make ALL pet owners sound a little batty. And some of their examples of "plastic surgery"--like for droopy eyes or rhinoplasty--are done for medical reasons (cherry eye, breathing problems, etc.) I mean, some people live with goddamn CATS and the dog owners are the crazy ones?

But I did learn--they will do LIPO on dogs. For Pete's.

I think my ma ape might spend 40 billion of those dollars on our toys, foodables, furminator, vet bills, and football jerseys. But there's a simple reason:

Could you say no to these faces? My ma ape sure can't. But I don't want any neuticles.

Better Know a Naked Ape

I have been tagged by my pal Sherman over on Jackman Ave to share a bit about my naked ape (yawn!) and I've decided to do it in the style of Stephen Colbert's Better Know a District series in which he interviews House of Representatives members. You can watch those here.

As you can see he asks great questions and sometimes creatively edits the answers. Also--I should give Tadpole a shout-out for the interviewing idea.

Wally (W): Hi Ma Ape!
Ma Ape (MA): Hi Wally. Why are you giggling.
W: Nothin'. How old are you?
MA: That's a rude question Wally.
W: I bet it's older than me. How much do you weigh?
MA: Wally, that's even more rude.
W: More than me?
MA: Of COURSE.
W: Then why do I have to go on a diet.
MA: You make a very loud point, Wally. Next question?
W: How did you make the best decision of your life (ie, adopting ME)?
MA: I had a corgi growing up...
W: Why do you like corgis? Is it because they have short legs and big butts like you?
MA: ..and I looked on Petfinder. I decided to go and LOOK at you and as soon as I saw you I decided to adopt you.
W: Because I was so handsome, eh?


MA: Actually, you were kind of path...
W: Next Question! What do you do in order to earn money to buy me snacks?
MA: I am a social scientist.
W: What the hell is that?
MA: I study people.
W: Why don't you study dogs?
MA: Because I don't have tenure yet.
W: Why don't you earn more money so I can have more snacks and stuffies?
MA: Because I don't have any marketable skills other than reading books.
W: I see. How long have you been a vegetarian?
MA: Almost 17 years
W: And how much of your life is that?
MA: A little over half.
W: Let me do the math...so that makes you..
MA: Wally!
W: OLD!
W: OK, your vegetarianism bores me. What sports do you like?
MA: I like to swim and jog and I enjoy lifting weights. I like to watch football and soccer.
W: What football teams do you like?
MA: I mostly like college football--Nebraska football. And in pro I like the Seahawks, the Eagles, and the Bears.
W: What a coincidence! I like them too! If you were not a social scientist what would you be?
MA: A primatologist. Or a lottery winner.
W: Why aren't my granny and gramps visiting me?
MA: Because you bit your gramps WHILE he was giving you a snack last time. And they're very busy. They like to travel a lot to more interesting places than YOUR house.
W: Why are they so much more interesting than you?
MA: Why are you being so mean to me?
W: Because with these big brown eyes I can get away with it.
MA: Wally, I don't think this is very interesting for anyone.
W: I know you're not. So I'm going to put some pictures of me in to spice it up. Thanks, ma ape!



I'm off to do some taggin'.

Learning to Listen

MSNBC has been running a story about talking to a listening to (hey--pay attention to the latter!) your pet. It discusses how you apes could be a LOT less annoying if you would just learn to pay more attention to our cues.

Here is a short quiz in Wallyology. Can you tell what I'm try to say with each of these looks?



A) Why is that hand behind me and not petting my sweet spot?
B) Dick Cheney is flauting the law AGAIN.
C) I'm hungry
D) Why are they taking my picture when there's snot coming out of my nose?


A) Is it time for bed yet?
B) I'm pretend-yawning to put the moves on my date
C) I'm hungry
D) I'm actually doing an ABBA sing-along


A) Monday again?
B) Can we please turn away from Fox News? I'm losing brain cells
C) I'm hungry
D) Global warming, civil war, famine, health care crisis. Can you apes do anything right?

A) What? Sissy's going to the vet?!
B) Barack Obama has chosen my remix of ABBA's Wallyloo for his campaign song?
C) I'm hungry!
D) Is that the ABBA Gold DVD?!?

If you answered C) for all of the above you are correct. Also, I do love ABBA.

Strange Sights

My friend Buko sent me this picture. His sister Narra, a GSD, is a bit of a bitch. So is my sister.

What? The AKC said it first.

Intellectualizing

My granny sent me this story from the Washington Post about how dogs are much smarter than you naked apes thought. I'm sure she sent it because 1) yes, we are smart and 2) she knows I am an example of a smarty-pants dog. I'm a real problem solver. Especially when my problem is the hunger and the solution is manipulating the naked apes to get it for me. (Or, alternatively, finding ways to get INTO the food).

The provocative new experiment indicated that dogs can do something that previously only humans, including infants, have been shown capable of doing: decide how to imitate a behavior based on the specific circumstances in which the action takes place.

"Every day, we're discovering surprises about animals and finding out animals are far more intelligent and far more emotional than we previously thought," said Marc Bekoff, an animal behaviorist who recently retired from the University of Colorado. "We're really breaking down the lines between the species."

Unbearably Funny

My granny sent me this story about a bear who wandered into a medical clinic in New Mexico. My granny's comment: Poor Bear. I hope he had insurance!

No kidding--I can only imagine the itemized bill he will receive for tranquilization, transportation, and waste disposal. Can't a bear just get his viagra prescription in peace??

A young black bear ambled through a medical clinic's automatic door early Friday and into a gastroenterology lab, the perfect place for a tranquilizer.

"I think the person in the waiting room was pretty surprised," said Todd Sandman, director of public relations for Presbyterian Health Care Services, which runs the lab in Rio Rancho, on the outskirts of Albuquerque.

melanwally

Eyes downcast and mouth droopy. Why so melanwally, you ask?


My mum has packed her bags and tells me she is leaving for Las Vegas tomorrow. Without me. I've never been there myself but I have seen Showgirls 43 times and from what I can surmise it is a city filled with overacting, copious bare breasts, and atrocious acting. From the plot of the film, I can only guess my mawma is heading to Sin City to become a dancer, getting her first break in a show by sleeping with that guy from Twin Peaks and then pushing the lead showgirl down the stairs so she can become the star. She says she's going to an academic conference so I don' t know what the scholarly equivalent would be to shoving a rival down the stairs. Breaking their nerdy glasses in two, perhaps? I hope she comes back from Vegas quickly. Time will have to tell if she comes home topless with feathers on her head.

holy mawma!

This weekend in the storm we got some water on the lens of the camera and all the pictures came out fuzzy. I took this picture of my mum and, after doing "auto correct" in our photo program discovered that my mawma might actually be divine! And I learned from Wikipedia that there's a name for this--religious pareidola, or seeing religious figures in other objects. Past items have included the NunBun, a Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese, Jesus (the terrier bottom remix), and Jesus pierogi. Sadly, the "Pope Tart" was a hoax.

Now I'm trying to decide if we should auction her on e-bay or start a religious theme park.

for goat's sake

my auntie ira in sweden sent me this story about the christmas goat of gavle. every year they erect a giant goat of straw and wood and then spend the season trying to protect it from vandals who try to burn/tear it down. it is a classic struggle between good and evil (though it has become unclear which is which) with the fate of the goat hanging in the balance. this year, the goat survived and it has been ferreted away to a secret location.

hmmmmm, if this is one of their greatest conflicts, i think the swedes have it a little too good. perhaps they need to dismantle their universal health care and get bogged down in pre-emptive strikes abroad. though in last year's u.n. quality of life index, norway topped the list. maybe they should invade those norweigian bastards.


the 2005 goat.
the 2006 goat (fireproofed).