Tuesday, March 14, 2006

animal farm

while you weirdos have been worried about an influx of immigrants altering the landscape of american culture you have failed to notice the REAL takeover--pets. according to cnn, we now outnumber you (check out the picture. short legged dogs are leading the charge).

we are a vital piece of your economy:

In the decade from 1994 through 2004, the amount of money spent on pet food, pet supplies, veterinary visits, medicines, live animals and services, more than doubled from $17 billion to $34.2 billion, Vetere said. In 2005 alone $36.3 billion was spent.

Pet owners' spending is not limited to the basics. The APPMA found in its National Pet Owners Survey that 27 percent of dog owners and 13 percent of cat owners buy their pets birthday presents, and 55 percent of dog owners and 37 percent of cat owners buy their pet holiday presents.

we fulfill your bizarre co-dependent emotional needs:

Matthew Margolis, a professional dog behavior therapist and animal aggression expert from California, asks his clients why some of them get dogs, especially little dogs. Their response, he says, is, "Well, my children have gone from the home. I'm lonely. I want something to love." The response from young people without families often is that they want a puppy to raise before raising a child. This anthropomorphism results in the last trait anyone wants in a dog -- aggression.

"Uncle Matty," as Margolis is known on his PBS show, "Woof! It's a Dog's Life," said dogs start to bite, growl, bark excessively and fail to become house-trained because their owners neglect to train their dogs and don't act like responsible owners.

"That's why you have so many problem animals," he said. "You can't just bring a dog home. Love is not enough. Love will never change a bad behavior."

There are 5 million dog bites reported each year, resulting in $400 million in legal claims, according to Margolis, who often testifies in pet-dispute court cases.

"The problem is, people are looking for love," Margolis said. "And you wouldn't believe how many people get bit by the family pet."

we are the only things that makes your empty, alienated lives worth living:

Why do humans dote on pets to the tune of billions of dollars a year? Pet owners report it's because of the bond with their animals, whom they may refer to as their best friend, a companion or a member of their family.

"Animals give you unconditional, unrestricted love," Margolis said.

Of his golden lab, Dakota, Vetere said: "I can sit and talk to him and tell him any problem I have, and he just sits there with his tongue hanging out, smiling at me, just waiting for me to finish. It's like, 'OK, you feel better now? Let's go outside and play.'

yup, it's only a matter of time before your amend the constitution to allow us to run for president and barking becomes the official language.

my evil twin?

this dog bears an eerie resemblance to me. imagine the havoc we could wreak if we worked together. unbearable cuteness and unrestrained naughtiness are a dangerous combination.