Friday, December 08, 2006

sleeve dogs and attention hogs

my good bloggin' pal buster brought my attention to this story in the new york times. buster is a smart guy so i'm sure he reads the times all the time. in fact, i've even heard unsubstantiated rumors that the times wanted buster to fill in for paul krugman during his vacation but buster turned them down because he thought that the times' decision to put all their best content behind the "times select" wall, requiring readers to register and pay for it, was a bad business decision and a bit elitist. also, the audience of dogblogs is much smarter and more sophisticated than the average reader of the grey lady, right?

anyway, the story itself, 'woman's best friend, or accessory' made me cringe. the story is about the increasing popularity of boutique dogs among women. here's a tidbit:

Paige is what is known as a sleeve dog, an emblem of status since antiquity. Once toted by fashionable women inside the folds of their gowns, diminutive pets have been the favorites of nobles from Marie Antoinette to Elizabeth II. The pseudo-royals of Hollywood also favor them, actresses and gossip-column fixtures like Tori Spelling and Mickey Rourke.

Now, thanks in part to their red carpet visibility, compact breeds are more popular than ever. “We’re seeing a nationwide trend toward smaller dogs,” said Niki Marshall Friedman, a spokeswoman for the American Kennel Club.

Flaunted as fashion statements, pint-sized canines are, to some minds, the fur-bearing equivalent of a pair of Louboutin pumps or other accessory. “I think of them as a handbag with a heartbeat,” said Robin Bowden, a vice president of Prudential Douglas Elliman, a real estate company in Manhattan. Ms. Bowden’s office on West 17th Street is a kind of home-away-from-home to a clutch of lavishly outfitted lap dogs belonging to various employees. “They have little beds and they scamper up and down,” she said. “I’ve seen brokers showing expensive SoHo lofts, turning up with these tiny puppy dogs in their designer bags.”

i suppose this is maybe slightly better than babies-as-accessories (though at least you know they will grow up to be sullen teenagers and reap their revenge on their parents). and in the world of bad things that happen to dogs, i suppose being dressed to match your owner and having your nails done is not the worst thing that could happen. but, still, we are living beings with needs and a will of our own. and no matter how much chanel no. 1 you spray us with, or whether you carry us in a balenciaga bag, or dress us in dkny, we're still the same animal that loves to roll in dead fish, eat cat poop, chew on bones, and sniff each others' butts. in other words, we're not you, we're better. and we sure as hell are not "handbags with heartbeats." knowing a lot of nice people who do rescue i know that these kinds of silly attitudes is what often lands a dog in the clink--when the "handbag" isn't housetrained or bites the nanny or poops in your louboutin pumps (whatever those are--are they like my mawma's adidas pumps?). being owned by a dog is never a purely selfless act because, frankly, we do bring a lot of joy to you and i'm sure every owner projects a bit of herself onto the dog (not me--these words are all my own!) but good grief, show some respect for us as living things and not objects. i'm my own dog.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

happy burpday mr. jay!

one of the naked apes that i own is having a burpday today! i am mad they are not giving it the news coverage it deserves. i understand someone named "pearl harbor" also has a burpday today. i don't know who pearl is but she must be one great chick because they are talking about her a lot.

here i am giving mr. jay my favorite disemboweled labrador head toy. because sharing is caring. and here is a song i wrote for mr jay. i woke him up to it at 6 a.m. this morning. can you imagine a better wake-up call on your burpday?

happy burpday mr. jay!
happy burpday mr. jay!
you come from the great apes
have a great day today!

happy burpday mr. jay!
happy burpday mr. jay!
i'd like some of your cake
give me some or you'll pay.

happy burpday mr. jay!
happy burpday mr. jay!
you're getting real old
but i love you the same.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

cabin fever!

here's another reason the holiday season can stink. the naked apes get invited to holiday parties. office parties, friends parties, always parties. but are dogs invited to the parties? no. NOT FAIR. in addition, it is also something that strikes dread into the hearts of my naked apes. something called "the End of the Semester." it is apparently some sort of twice-annual event that brings in piles of papers and blue books and general grumpiness. and, of course, we dogs bear the brunt of it and we get horribly neglected. so tonight my sister ethel and i had to make our own fun with squeakies.

playing is about to commence but i have to make sure the naked apes are watching. i need an audience! this toy is not in the best shape. it was long since disemboweled and the squeaky removed so it is now just a disembodied dog head attached to an unstuffed and limp body. a little creepy if you think about it too much. so don't think about it.

my sister gets in on the game, picking up a squeaky squirrel while i drag my dog around by his pathetic and de-squeaked butt.

my sister's bum stinks! that's why i love it.

i like to tug which explains why my toys are literally bursting at the seams.

another view of my fur-ocious grip.

my granny always calls me possessed. judging from my picture she may be on to something.

does valtrex cure fettucine?

this story has nothing to do with dogs but it is about food and it makes fun of naked apes--and british* naked apes at that--so i had to blog about it:

LONDON, Dec 1 (Reuters Life!) - Nearly two-thirds of Britons think the fiery Italian sauce Arrabiata is a sex infection, according to a survey on Friday.

"What is very worrying is the lack of knowledge about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) revealed in the survey," said sex therapist Emily Dubberley.

"Sixty-three percent in the UK thought an Italian sauce was an STD and over 43 percent couldn't identify any of the common sexual complaints we asked about.

*an inquiring mind asked about my beef with the british. it's not so complex. i am part corgi and corgis are welsh and the british have occupied wales for a long time. in addition, the royal family are notorious enthusiasts for corgis but their tendency to spoil said corgwyn has led to bad behavior which, coupled with general bad vibes for the royals, has led to a bad rep for my cousins the corgis. i have no beef with british dogs be they bulldogs, labradors or sussex spaniels. here's a quiz about dogs from the guardian to show my goodwill.

Monday, December 04, 2006

happy burpday great granny!

my great-granny is 100! (i think that's in people years, not dog years). she lives in nebraska and recently won a spelling bee!

like me, with age comes wisdom and good looks.

happy burpday great granny! (save me some cake).

Sunday, December 03, 2006

wally's war on christmas

fox news has uncovered a vast conspiracy they call the war on christmas. perhaps this war is merely a front in the war to sell half-cocked books by their nutjob commentators, or a way for bill orally to fill up time with something other than his phone sex transcripts. i'm skeptical that anyone is actually interfering with anyone else's enjoyment of the holiday season or their ability to celebrate the religiously-themed holiday of their choice. and if hearing the checker at target tell you happy holidays instead of merry christmas destroys your ability to enjoy the holiday, you may be overly sensitive. frankly, since my local kmart has been playing christmas carols since two weeks before thanksgiving and since people are literally being injured in pre-christmas shopping fervor, I just don't see that anyone is having a hard time celebrating. well, maybe some of those people trampled getting xboxes or whatever they're doing.

now, i'm not of the religious persuasion (unless some religion wises up and recognizes us dogs as dieties) but i enjoy some of the secular trappings of the holiday season like the dogblog xmas card exchange, christmas cookies, edible presents, fruitcakes, presents with squeakers, stealing smooches under the mistletoe, presents i can eat and being three sheets to the wind after drinking eggnog. but what i don't enjoy? the naked apes continually torturing us for photo opportunities thinking it will be "cute" to dress me up like santa because i happen to have a big round belly like a bowl full of jelly.

like who really thinks it is funny to cover my head with a santa hat and watch me run around bumping into things.

do i look amused? look at them taunting me with the hat.

so, i waged in a little war on christmas of my own. while the naked apes were out i tore up the goddamn santa hat. tore the trim right off. so, fox news, it's on. i'm declaring war on christmas. don't put bells on me, don't try to dress me in a beard, no "little drummer boy" and absolutely no fat men coming down our chimmey to mooch milk and cookies.

times that try dogs' souls

it was a long weekend for me. i was up WAY past my bedtime (which is approximately 7:30 p.m. or whenever my post-dinner evening nap is finished) to watch the big 12 championship game--hooskers vs. sooners! i was so excited, football always means special wally snacks as well as much shouting and yelling at the tv. last night was no exception. coconut cookies, artychoke dip and pigs in blankets (though i was disappointed that there were no actual pigs, though I have been rooting through all the blankets in the house looking for them).

but, alas, things did not turn out so well for the cornhuskers. zac taylor is sad.

wally is sad, too, though it is unclear if i am sad about the two interceptions in the fourth quarter that zac threw or if i have just realized that we are out of artychoke dip.

but the hooskers WILL be playing on new year's day in the cotton bowl against goddamn cats! down with the auburn tigers! i'll chase those cats any day! (and i have a feeling i will be getting a squeaky tiger for christmas!) it may be a blessing in disguise or the hooskers might have wound up playing boise state and then i'd have to explain to my pal sid why we're going to have to whoop his team. hehe. go hooskers! now let me take a nap.