An Awful Day

I just got awful news about my friend Oscar the Airedale. He got sick very very quickly. I miss you already, my friend.

Here is how I like to remember you.


Here is what I'd imagine you're doing now, gamboling through the field.


Goodbye Oscar.

Another Day, Another Dog

A dog strikes AGAIN at the Tour. Why is the rash of canine saboteurs not the headlining story??! This time the dog (who looks like a lab of some sort) took out Sandy Casar who won the stage anyway. You can watch the video here. I wonder if we will see dogs showing up at NFL games this year, you know, getting a little revenge for Michael Vick?

Here's what happened:

Casar's spectacular crash occurred after a dog had wandered from the left hand-side of the road which thronged with spectators.

The Frenchman first hit the dog, then the tarmac on a slight descent as the quartet tried to stretch their advantage.

"The dog wasn't on the leash, so of course it surprised me," said Casar, who was left with grazes on his right buttock.

In brighter news, I believe the tour is being led by an Irish corgador named Albert O. Corgador:

Discovery Channel's Alberto Contador retained the yellow jersey with a 1min 50sec lead on Australian Cadel Evans, and 2:49 on his American teammate Levi Leipheimer.

I couldn't find a picture of a crash so here's a picture of me and my snaggletooth:

More Animal News

There's big things afoot in the animal world.

First, thanks to Suki for covering this story about Oscar the homicidal cat. Oh, the humans think it's so cool that this cat seems to know when people die and it will get in bed with them until they pass. But Suki knows the score--obviously the cat is killing them!

To fight the cats we will need big firepower. I think we should recruit Joey, the chihuahuahuahuahuahua who saved a baby from a rattlesnake.

But more importantly we must scare them with the randy hordes of hedgehogs from Deutschland!

German police called to investigate unusual noises in the garden of a Bremen house late on Monday were surprised to find that a pair of amorous hedgehogs were to blame.

The hedgehog breeding season runs from April to September and their lovemaking is typically accompanied by very loud puffing and snorting, usually by the female as she tries to ward off the male.

A Day in the Life of Wally

Here's my day!

After my morning walk and breakie, it's time for....


Roachin'!


And sunnin' my belly. (Don't linger too long on my junk.)


Hey, sissy! Get your own day!


A little rehearsing for my role as David Beckham.


And some beauty rest.


And then I must pray to the Holy Wallymelon.


Dear oh lord of the melons, please turn this stuffy into a gigantic, juice filled Wallymelon that I might stew in its tasty, tasty juicies.


Hey! Don't try to steal my special Wallymelon prayers!


Ah ha! Just kiddin'. I don't worship Wallymelons. But it would make a nice alternative to Scientology, don't you think? Just send me 12 installments of $19.99 and you too can become a Wallymelonist.


And then it's time for dinnertime bones! Eyes on your own meat, sissy!


Munch munch.


Mmmmmmm. Did I make you hungry?

Flea-Bitten Onkels

My granny told me that my onkel Eric went to Wisconsin and got sand flea bites on his feets. So I am singing him this song:

There may be bugs on your stinky feets
But there ain't no bugs on ME!

Do you want to borrow my Advantix?

TOYS! And Wallymelons. And Wallymelon Toys!

By buds Nanook and Pooka recommended that my ma ape break out the plastic and get me a new toy. Specifically, a Booda Wallymelon.

But could our wee protagonist actually convince her to do it???




Duh.


The toy comes in four velcroed bits that tear apart. It has rattles inside (but no rattlesnakes, I've been checking). I am more of a squeaky aficionado but the taking apart bit is fun.


While it is not as scrumptiously juicy as real Wallymelon I can't say the fun is not tasty:


MMmmmrphrphrphrphrmmmprh.


Thanks Nanook and Pooka! Could you recommend a leg of lamb next week!?

Too Bummed to Blog

The Chicken is cooked! My dude in the Tour of the Pants has been dropped by his team--and after he won today's stage and was poised to win it all! This is nearly as bad as last summer when my team (Les Bleus!) made it to the finals of the World Cup and lost on penalty kicks. Sacre bleu!



Can I eat his back and feets now?

We didn't do it!

We found this nest in the yard this way! No, seriously! In spite of my sissy's recent birdicide we're innocent!


Seriously, do these look likes face who could do any harm?


Oh, uh-oh.

Ok, I totally admit I'm framing sissy. That's the dinner the ma ape gave us and I'm just trying to make us look like tuffies. We did find the bird's nest, though--and this one isn't even on my ma ape's head!

Wally Kisses Up

Pippa wanted some tips on how to bend the naked apes to your will. Easy:

1) Lean in and begin showering with kisses.


2) Smooch vigorously until subject begins to giggle.


3) Whisper in a barely perceptible voice: "Doesn't a dog this sweet deserve some sweets?"


It works every time. EVERY time. Suckers.

Sundays are for Smooshing

As suggested, I am working on the cover art for my new book Inside Wally's Melon. And by "I" am working on it, I mean Mr. J has fired up his Photoshop and is working in the Wally-directed sweatshop in our living room (no Daily Show until it is done, Mister!) My book is the memoir of a dog forced to live in a world (temporarily) ruled by the naked apes (until the era of President Ernest is ushered in). I am thinking about having a chapter on some of my favorite recipes. We do BARF (Biologically Appropriate Raw Foods) so many of my recipes would read: "Take quail out of package. Hand quail to Wally" which is what I did for dinner. However, my ma ape imagines herself to be a Canine Gourmet (chef FOR canines, not OF!) and makes wonderfully complicated potions that include loads of supplements and assorted add-ons. So I'll give you a preview some of my favorites that we made on Sunday. And by "we" I mean I cracked the whip while my ma ape worked in the kitchen-sweatshop.

First is VEGGIE SMOOSH. These are some of the things that go into it:


Basically most vegetables are good, though NO ONIONS and my ma ape limits some veggies (like maters and eggplantables and green pepperables) because they can aggravate inflammation like arfritis (which I have). My ma ape always adds a little garlic. There's some info out there that garlic is bad for us but also a lot of info that it's good for us and some places even sell garlic and brewer's yeast tablets for preventing creepy crawlies. In large quantities, garlic may cause anemia but if you look at most high-end dog foods they contain some garlic. We did not get that WHOLE head of garlic. Above you also see kale greens, cukes, zucchini, and parsley.

Now, the problem with this veggie garden is that we dogables do not digest whole vegetables well but mooshing them makes them more "bioavailable." So my ma ape puts 'em in a blender with some chicken broth (mmmmm) and whole eggs. WHOLE EGGS??? Yup--the shells have loads of calci-yum.


Then she puts them into ice cube trays and makes freezable veggie cubables. (May also add nutritional yeast, flax seed, blackstrap molasses before freezing or, splash with Apple Cider Vinegar in bowl.)

Next comes FROOT SMOOOSH.


WALLYMELON! and Bananas, mangoables, and cherriables and blueberries (not pictured). Fruitables have loads of anti-ox-idants. I explainted to my ma ape that I might want oxes cuz they might have bull pizzle that I could catch and send to GooberStan but ma ape said These Oxes are Bad. She adds frozen cherries. Cherriables are supposed to have anti-inflammatory properties--good for dogs with arfritis (me!). She gets frozen cuz they're cheaper. A commenter came by to warn about diabetables (and I think warned Pippa too) but froot is perfectly good for us in moderate quantities. Canine diabetes is mostly genetic and can be brought on by being overweight but I'm not. And my sissy is a skinny minny.

I had to taste test the Wallymelon:



It meets my standards so into the blenderable for moooshin!

Pour into ice cube trays and into the freezer. In the freezerable there are bags of opaque brown cubes (frosty paws!), transparent brown cubes (brothables), red cubes (froot smoosh) and green cubes (veggie smoosh!). My ma ape got a BIG freezer to hold our meatables so she would have room in her peoplefreezer for her gardenburgers and Soy Delicious and Morningstar farms snausage but now her freezer is full of CUBES! Haha!

Now, here is one of the tastiest dishes that I know and love!


Yup, that's my girl SA-MAN-THA! from the Brat Pack. And yes, she is eating Wallymelon. Now excuse me, I have to go fan myself.

Raising the Level of Political Discourse

Look! It's Presidential Candidate and Dog Lover Extraordinaire Mitt Romney. I have two questions:

1) How is it that a guy named "Mitt" gets away with making fun of anyone's name (while being bigoted and offensive to boot!)?

2) What does he have against modern art? I think the MOMA is a perfectly lovely art museum (though it's not in Chelsea).

The Fine Art of the Roach

My friend GooberStan asked me a very good question--why do I call this


roaching? Excellent question, my friend. I stole the term from the SUMDs (Skinny Ugly Mutant Dogs, I also stole that from them). You can see them roaching here. They are Extreme Roachers who like to walk on the wild side:



While I prefer a placid roachin' in a cornfield.


One of the first things I did when I was brought home from my rescue, after I tried to mount my sister Morgan and invited her to play, was flop on my back, throw my legs in the air and start gruntin'. I am assuming the SUMDs call this roaching because we do look like roaches when we do it. And given that my short legs have a hard time building enough momentum to roll me back to my stomach when I'm done, I can spend a fair amount of time like a roach on my back flailing wildly. Also, it is fun to say--ROOOOOOOOOOOACHIN!

Dogs in the Newsables

The NYT has had a couple of interesting dog stories in the last week. This one is about the popularity of books about dogs. There is only one thing I can conclude from this--it is prime time for me to get a literary agent to sell my memoir! Please alert the Pulitzer people to start engraving my name now. I would appreciate any suggestions for a title.



And here is this story about states developing laws about "dangerous dogs," requiring owners to muzzle their dogs and buy insurance, etc. if their dog bites a person or another animal. About a dozen people are killed by dogs every year. The article talks about how some of the problem is caused by homeless dogs abandoned by stoooooooopid dog fighters. Seems like the real problem is dangerous naked apes. Someone should pass a law about THAT.



But the most interesting story was this one about Animal Precinct on Animal Planet, it follows the animal cops while they enforce animal cruelty laws. It is getting some criticism because some animal welfare folks think it overrepresents the actual enforcement of cruelty laws and has inflated the number of complaints beyond what they can respond to.

A Present for Ma Ape?

I picked these out for my ma ape who is turning 2395 next month. But Mr. J says "NO! Bad Ma Ape!" What do you guys think? The dogs are for adoption here.

More d*&&)($%# recalls!

This time it is Natural Balance canned dinners. You can read about it here. This time it is botulism found in an American plant.

Be careful my dogblogging pals! Maybe we should start making our apes test our food?

Post for Penny

HI! I'm ETHEL and my BROTHER said I could BLOG because EVEN THOUGH I was MEAN by pointing out THE TRUTH (Wally is totally an OLD MAN just like DAVID BECKHAM). But he said I could DO IT if I learn to NOT CAPITALIZE EVERYTHING and make a post to say HI to my BFF Penny! Cuz I have loads of boyfriends like my old man Maxy and my hottie hottie boy PIPPA! (Who is really hot cuz he lives in SPAIN!) So here is my post for PENNY:


Hi Penny! You are like totally hilarious. LOOK AT YOUR HAIR! HAHA! It looks like my ma ape's when it is humid! HAHAHA!


Look! That's me doing my favoritest thing EVER which is FETCHING THE TENNIS BALL (nocapsnocapsnocaps). I love tennis balls. Do you LOVE tennis balls? More than Sherman? I can't decide if I love tennis balls more than Wally. He doesn't bounce as far. But he does let me chase him and he is kind of ROUND.




This is me trying to be pretty. Do you think I'm pretty? I think you're totally pretty Penny. Like prettier than Lola. I mean, look at this picture:


P.S. I saw chickens feets in a grocery bag that my mom brought home--totally awesome!

Here is my big mouth. I am picky about what I put in it (other than tennis balls but I don't like other dogsesseseseseses tennis balls). I like meatables and meatables and cottage cheeseables. What do you like to eat? I bet you're not FAT like WALLY and SHERMS.


Look I'm catching some more. You might know but I am like totally tall. On my back legs I'm as tall as my mom!



This is my brotherable. Doesn't he look OLD? OK, like don't tell WALLY but I like totally love him and no one can talk bad about him but ME and I like totally get MAD at dogs who are MEAN TO HIM. But maybe if we made fun of HIM and SHERMAN together it would be OK.


Here is my brother doing one of his FAVORITE THINGS which is roaching. While I fetch he ROACHES. In the background he says those are CORNS. I might like corn. If they are made of meat.


Bye Penny! If anybody else reads this just don't tell WALLY that I LOOOOOVE him, k?

Ethel RULZ!