The naked ape days are numbered!

This is a pho-to of a worried corgador.

As some of you may know, I have long had a plan to bring an end to naked ape hegemony and replace it with the benevolent dictatorship of dogs. A key part of my plan is the recruitment of hairy apes but it appears one of our allies is making our plans a bit obvious. Mother Jones reports:

Chimps have long been known to stockpile food, but a 30-year-old chimp named Santino is making news because he does far more: he finds stones in his Swedish zoo home, smashes them into throwable size, and then stores them in caches that face the viewing area on the edge of his enclosure. When tourists show up, he lets fly, throwing up to 20 rocks in rapid succession and sometimes hitting visitors standing 30 feet away across a water-filled moat. When no rocks are available for his villainy, Santino hacks chunks of concrete off the artificial boulders in his pen and assaults humans using those.

Be patient, Santino! And while you are learning to make weapons I have been dilligently learning to use tools. So far I have mastered the TiVo:

Thanks to my Onkel Eric for sending me the link and, I'm sure, warmly welcoming his hairy overlords.

Makin' Stains!

Joe Stains gives out regular stain awards to dogs who excel in making stains in a very public way. What Joe may not realizing is that he is rewarding behavior that is a finely-tuned product of evolutionary progress! You can read about it in the MSNBC article quite nicely titled "Wolves (and dogs) are in your face poopers."

Wolves do not do their business in any old place, but they instead choose locations that maximize visual impact and odor distribution, according to a new study that may also help to explain why dogs frequently relieve themselves on fire hydrants and other prominent urban landscape features.

As photographic evidence of my evolutionary advancement, here is me with some mighty fine in-your-face pooping--I'm pooping on Notre Dame! One of my many football nemeses!!!!

Yes, this picture is six years old and I have posted it several times before. But I will never tire of pooping on Notre Dame.

That's the nooz!

Animal Newz

Sometimes you naked apes have good ideas. And other times you have bad ones. Mostly bad ones. Here are two stories from this week about naked apes and the animal kingdom. And I will leave it to you to decide who is at the top of the evolutionary scale.


From CNN, here's a story about how the British Kennel Club is overhauling their breed standards to ensure better health for the dog-a-boos, especially the English Boo-dog who has been bred to have such exaggeratedly large heads that they can't give vaginal birth and their wrinkles are so bad they can't breathe. Gosh, setting standards on health rather than impossible and dangerous aesthetic standards? Preposterous! Now, when can we get around to doing the same for naked ape ladies?

Story #2 is about the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals who have decided to launch a campaign to rename fish SEA KITTENS. Ahem:

A lot of people don't realize that fish are capable of feeling fear and pain, that they develop relationships with each other, and even show affection by gently rubbing against one another," says Ashley Byrne, PETA's sea kitten campaign co-ordinator. "Knowing that the fish sticks in the school cafeteria are really made out of tortured sea kittens makes most kids want to lose their lunch."

While the depletion of fish in the world is a serious problem, PETA has once again managed to minimize a serious problem in a shameless orgy of self-promotion. Well done! On a stupid scale from Dubya to Lobotomized Squirrel, I give this a Sarah Palin!

And had I known I was eating goddamn cats, er, goddamn sea kittens, all along I would have enjoyed it much more. NOM NOM!

Are you being served?

The NYT has a good story about service animals in this week's Sunday magazine. It's partially about the difficulty presented by non-dog service animals and the use of service animals for non-task oriented duties (like for those with mental rather than physical illness). We heard the journalist who wrote the story on the NPR this weekend (we sound like latte-sipping liberals, eh? SOY latte) and she was talking about Panda, the service horse shown above. He's awesome and does some really amazing things, like his owner can hear changes in terrain from the hooves. And he's housebroken! I would like to trade Oscar for him but the ma ape says that if there is controversy over what naked apes can use service animals it is unlikely that I can have a service pet, especially since I just want to ride him around and be taller than the other dogs and my ma ape says that being vertically challenged does not qualify one for a service animal or else she could have one.

It's a really interesting story and it is pretty remarkable what the animals do for you apes, especially the story of the man with bipolar disorder who has a parrot who helps him regulate his mood.

Otters Gone Wild!

These little dudes rampaged around Petaluma, CA, dropping by a tavern and an auto parts store:

Life's a B*tch, so's my Ma Ape

My granny sent me this story about this woman who rescued her dog from a python:

A Hong Kong woman kicked and punched a 4.5 metre (15 foot) Burmese python to wrest free her pet dog after the snake wrapped itself around it.

Catherine Leonard grappled with the python after it attacked Poppy during a walk in the Sai Kung country park

My granny asked my ma ape if she would do that for ME, that is, if she would put her life on the line for me. So I asked my ma ape. And SHE said "I did, just the other night." And I asked her what she meant. And she said "After you guys ate the pig bones you had pork butt!" And I said "SO?" And she said "Your flatulence could have downed an elephant, dudes!"

And then she said--no more pork bones. I'll let the python take her.

The Nose Knows!

My granny sent me this story from teh BBC about the Double Nosed Andean Tiger Hound from Bolivia. He's very interesting looking!

Imagine how good he would be at finding snackables! Of course I'm pretty good with just one nose (find the freezing box--sit in front of it) and I make primary use of my ears (listen for packages opening, fridges opening, chewing, swallowing, etc.)

This dude's name is Xingu and he sounds like an interesting chap:

He added that Xingu was "quite an aggressive little chap" who stood about 16 inches in height and loved salt biscuits but "wasn't a terribly handsome dog".

Xingu's best friend is apparently a wild pig called Gregory, and the two animals "rule the roost" in their village.

Another Day, Another Dog

A dog strikes AGAIN at the Tour. Why is the rash of canine saboteurs not the headlining story??! This time the dog (who looks like a lab of some sort) took out Sandy Casar who won the stage anyway. You can watch the video here. I wonder if we will see dogs showing up at NFL games this year, you know, getting a little revenge for Michael Vick?

Here's what happened:

Casar's spectacular crash occurred after a dog had wandered from the left hand-side of the road which thronged with spectators.

The Frenchman first hit the dog, then the tarmac on a slight descent as the quartet tried to stretch their advantage.

"The dog wasn't on the leash, so of course it surprised me," said Casar, who was left with grazes on his right buttock.

In brighter news, I believe the tour is being led by an Irish corgador named Albert O. Corgador:

Discovery Channel's Alberto Contador retained the yellow jersey with a 1min 50sec lead on Australian Cadel Evans, and 2:49 on his American teammate Levi Leipheimer.

I couldn't find a picture of a crash so here's a picture of me and my snaggletooth:

Dogs in the Newsables

The NYT has had a couple of interesting dog stories in the last week. This one is about the popularity of books about dogs. There is only one thing I can conclude from this--it is prime time for me to get a literary agent to sell my memoir! Please alert the Pulitzer people to start engraving my name now. I would appreciate any suggestions for a title.



And here is this story about states developing laws about "dangerous dogs," requiring owners to muzzle their dogs and buy insurance, etc. if their dog bites a person or another animal. About a dozen people are killed by dogs every year. The article talks about how some of the problem is caused by homeless dogs abandoned by stoooooooopid dog fighters. Seems like the real problem is dangerous naked apes. Someone should pass a law about THAT.



But the most interesting story was this one about Animal Precinct on Animal Planet, it follows the animal cops while they enforce animal cruelty laws. It is getting some criticism because some animal welfare folks think it overrepresents the actual enforcement of cruelty laws and has inflated the number of complaints beyond what they can respond to.

Newf Saves the World!

Move aside, Indestructible Cheerleader, Archie the Newf is in town! The LA Times has a nice story about Archie who works with abused and neglected kids in CA:

At Casa Pacifica, a Ventura County oasis for abused, neglected and emotionally disturbed children, patience and calm aren't just virtues; they're job requirements. Archie has worked at the leafy campus in Camarillo for two years, and he doesn't flinch when small hands pull his ears and wandering fingers poke his nostrils.

Instead, he bestows slobbery kisses with a pink tongue as large as a hand towel.

"Yucky!" the kids squeal, hugging the 165-pound dog all the harder.

My ma ape says I might need to get some of these:

A local quilting group has made 20 Newfoundland-size bibs, embroidered with Archie's name or phrases such as "World's Greatest Smoocher." He has a Valentine's bib and one for St. Patrick's Day. For the Casa Pacifica "prom," Archie wore a tuxedo bib with a boutonniere.

Whatever, she knows she loves my droolables.