Saturday, March 03, 2007

auspicious news

I saw these stories running together on the news wires: "Dogs use cash machines" about how they are training helper dogs to use ATMs to help their owners in wheelchairs. Then, a few stories down, and "Dog buys his own sausages." That one is pretty self-explanatory.

I'm rooting through my apes's bags right now to find their wallets. Once I tried to forge some checks but the pawprint was not a believeable signature. This is a possibility--I could figure out the pin and I'm too short to get caught on the security camera. I'll get me some cash and have sausages and tastycakes all day!


weathering the storm!

We didn't get the nasty storm they got in the midwest that has kept some of my pals housebound. But we did get LOTS of rain thursday and friday.

And someone had the GREAT idea to go walking in the rain at 4:30 a.m. And then it started raining HARDER. We got to the end of the block and my sis and I had had ENOUGH. We headed home but not before getting soaked, see how wet and miserable I was! On the up side, the house smelled like wet dog for the rest of the morning. But by Saturday....


I went for a brief jog.

Sunned my belly and my boy bits. (Youngins, avert your eyes).

I grinned.

I wandered through puddles.

Ahhh..and I enjoy life as king of all I survey.

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the two-leg game.

I previously told you about my sister's game in which she cannot have more than two feet on the ground at one time. I think she's pretending she's a naked ape walking on TWO legs. Here are some samples of her at play.

Here is an example. Front two down, back two up.

She teases us, two legs barely off the ground. Note the undignified floppy tongue. That's a sign she's getting into her game.

Oooh--she's getting tricky alternating legs.

And now it's only ONE down! Sneaky.

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Friday, March 02, 2007

a tale of two diets

at my house there is much difference between what the apes eat and what the dogs eat. this is not because the ape dinners are higher quality. nope. the apes are just crazy and picky while we dogs live high on the hog (sometimes literally. we get bacon.) it makes my onkel eric jealous because he says we eat better than he does. my onkel is something called a lad student? bad student? grad student? fad student? pad thai student? i forget. something that leaves him permanently impoverished but very very smart about american literature and french lit crit. anyway. he envies our eating habits and you can probably see why.

this is my sister with a burpday bone. we got bullies and bones for my burpday. the apes don't eat bones, not even the tasty gooey center. mmmmmm....gooey center. we get 'em raw and frozen so they are CHILLY when we get 'em. she has to guard it so someone won't steal it.

i try to fit my WHOLE bone in my mouth. and i suck out the goo! tasty. and still this doesn't tempt the apes.

here i am eating my organic yogurt right out of the container! mmmmmm. i read on the label it has GOOD bacteria for our bellies. i take good care of my belly bugs.

these are my mawma's balls! what--why is everyone laughing? anyway. my mom is crazy. she won't eat the cows or the shrimps or the sheeps or anything fuzzy but she WILL eat these balls. she assures me this is NOT what happened with the, erm, bits after i was neutered. she says they're gluten balls from plants. who knew? i tried 'em and i liked 'em. it's nice because mawma won't touch my food but i WILL eat hers. two diets, one dog!

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Thursday, March 01, 2007

goodday sunshine!

march is comin' in like a lamb (except for the huge storm that is sweeping across the midwest right now and will bring us rain and thunderstorms tonight). i'm happy because it's warm and sunny. prime napping conditions.

Look at me in the outside, soaking up some rays. Behind me are our funny doors that make our house look like it has a bomb shelter but I'm fairly certain it will be worthless in case of a nuclear war because the doors can't even keep out the rain.

Here's my sister playing a game where no more than two feet can be on the ground at any one time. She's funny and when she plays she runs up and down the one patch of snow along the fence. Seriously--crazy.

Look at us posing. Mawma can never get the two of us in the same frame so she made us SIT next to each other. This gives a good sense of the difference in size. For some reason in most pictures I look BIGGER than my sis. I think it's just the camera catching my essence and the bigness of my personality and brains. And my natural modesty.

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what's going down down under?

Wow, that title is a filthier pun than I had expected. At any rate, I came across this story this morning that fills us in on the extracurricular activities of koalas:

Female koalas indulge in lesbian "sex sessions", rejecting male suitors and attempting to mate with each other, sometimes up to five at a time, according to researchers.

The furry, eucalyptus-eating creatures appear to develop this tendency for same-sex liaisons when they are in captivity. In the wild, they remain heterosexual.

Scientists monitoring the marsupials with digital cameras counted three homosexual interactions for every heterosexual one.

"Some females rejected the advances of males that were in their enclosures, only to become willing participants in homosexual encounters immediately after," say the researchers.

"On several occasions more than one pair of females shared the same pole, and multiple females mounted each other simultaneously. At least one multiple encounter involved five female koalas.

"One theory put forward by the researchers is that the females do it to attract males; another is that it is simply hormonal, or that it is a stress reliever.


Wednesday, February 28, 2007

a troubling alliance

My auntie Ira sent me this picture from Indonesia. The animals are in Indonesia, not my auntie Ira. the caption reads: "A pair of Sumatran tiger cubs and a set of young orang-utans, all abandoned at birth, have become inseparable after sharing a room at the Indonesian Zoo."

I'm troubled by this apparent alliance between the apes and the goddamn cats. I will have to keep my eye on this, especially in light of recent observations that your chimp cousins are using weapons. My concern, however, is countered by the almost nauseating cuteness of this image.

Just remember, apes, dogs are an ape's best friend.

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it's ticks n' lumps day!

it's ticks n' lumps day! in honor, i pulled out this old frankenwally picture of me from last time i had a lumpy lump removed. it was a benign fatty tumor! i've had so many of them that's become my nickname (not funny!)

but, seriously, make your apes look for lumps. best case scenario--they don't find any and you get a lovely belly rub.


more reality tv

So they're giving the goddamn cats a reality show but they're also giving one to Posh Spice (Marvin--I know you'll be interested) on NBC! It will document her move to California. It should include many exciting scenes of them packing their dishes in bubble wrap and rolling their socks to take up as little space as possible. Though the Beckhams are rich enough they could pay someone to build them robots to do the moving for them.

I'm just hoping the series will be documenting the process of the inevitable reunion of the Spice Girls. Spice Up Your Life! (I think that song is telling me to eat more Wasabi Peas. So I will!)

Now when is someone going to call ME for a reality show?


Tuesday, February 27, 2007

get real

Animal Planet is planning to air a cat-version of Big Brother, filming cats as they compete in such daunting tasks as catching toy ice and purring. Oooh, sounds exciting (can you detect sarcasm over a blog?) Will they also have contests--who has the stinkiest litter? Who can get away from Wally when he chases you (survival of the fittest)? Who horks up the biggest furball?

Phhbt. They give cats a reality tv show and not ME? Sure I sleep at least 18 hours out of the day but 1) i'm exciting when I sleep (seriously. i snore, grunt, and bark AND sometimes I chase things in my sleep and 2) the other 6 hours are rockin', usually involving me finding ways to get food.

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holy mawma!

This weekend in the storm we got some water on the lens of the camera and all the pictures came out fuzzy. I took this picture of my mum and, after doing "auto correct" in our photo program discovered that my mawma might actually be divine! And I learned from Wikipedia that there's a name for this--religious pareidola, or seeing religious figures in other objects. Past items have included the NunBun, a Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese, Jesus (the terrier bottom remix), and Jesus pierogi. Sadly, the "Pope Tart" was a hoax.

Now I'm trying to decide if we should auction her on e-bay or start a religious theme park.

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Miss Sunshade RULES!

Just when I was getting depressed because my burpday week was almost over I got a box from CANADA! At first I thought my friend Frodo who moved to Toronto last summer missed me SO MUCH that he mailed himself to me. But then I realized that the box was too small because Frodo is a little chunky. No--it was a box from MISS SUNSHADE! For ME!

Look at ALL THIS STUFF! Mmmm. And all things I can put in my mouth! My favorite kind of stuff! Get yer nosy nose outta there Ethel!

And each item with a special note to ME from Miss Sunshade. She even sent me medicine for my sour bones! She said she thinks I'll like even if it tastes gross to her. She knows me so well.
I got salmon and sweet taters (mmm), and tripe (dried!), soy milk (in a can!) and even some EVO--the tasty tasty dog food.

But why the grumpy face? Because my mawma said there's so much stuff that I could even SHARE with my sister. Share? On MY burpday? What is she? A communist?

But then I read this lovely card from the SuperDale herself. And she said not only do I not HAVE to share with my stinky sister, I probably SHOULDN'T share.

And here's my favorite thing from the box picked out specially for ME--WASABI PEAS! A spicy snack for a spicy guy. Once my naked apes spilled some and thought they might have found the one food I wouldn't eat--WRONG! I chowed down! Call me Wasabi Wally. I know you don't like them Miss Sunshade but it's an acquired taste. Acquired when you have a taste for EVERYTHING. Thanks Miss Sunshade!

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Monday, February 26, 2007

wally's oscar wrap-up

I'm a big fan of movies. When they come from netflix (which, as i understand it is sort of like santa claus but comes through the mailbox.) we get to curl up on the couch and sleep. I DONT like movies at the theater because they don't let dogs in. What's up with that? I'd be better behaved than a screamibng toddler, smooching teenagers, or cell-phone fantatics. And i'd get a supersized popcorn.

but i digress. i watched the oscars last night and here were the highlights:

1) CORGI SIGHTING. in the introduction of the costume nominees they showed a gaggle of Queens (as in God Save the) with a CORGI.

2) Curious George sighting. Abigail Breslin (little girl) was holding her Curious George, probably for luck, during the ceremony. George is one of my favorite apes. Sometimes I get called "Curious Wally" for my propensity for getting bored and 'splorin' in the house, often to comical and unfortunate results (like the time I got caught in the glue trap. or the time I spread tea bags around the house).

3) Little Miss Sunshade. That sounds like a great movie about my good friend Miss Sunshade the SuperDale! She'd make a great documentary subject. Her diet alone could fill three hours of movies! And the turn in the plot could be the arrival of STINKY and Miss Sunshade's various attempts to stay away from his stink. There could also be a side plot about the mystery of the identity of the ChickenDale. Yup, we definitely need to get Netflix on that one.

I don't know what else happened. I fell asleep pretty early. Get that Corgi an Oscar!

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snow days

we had snow last night! and then it warmed up over night and now the snow is mostly gone. what kind of crazy weather is this?

here i am in fields of snow...

i love to snack on fresh snow. before it turns yellow.

my sister ethel likes to romp in the snow. here she takes a break to catch a scent.

look at it come down! time to go inside and warm up on the couch! hot cocoa and marshmallows, please.

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Sunday, February 25, 2007

a joke of sorts

i heard this joke last night on an hbo show called 'extras' (modified slightly.)

what's wally short for?

he has little legs.

hahahahahaha! it's funny because it includes me.


the explorer's great discovery

my sis and i went to the field again today barely beating the snow (pics to come!)

as usual she fetched.

and stood around with her GIANT tongue flappin' around. undignified.

i was splorin' when my naked apes realized i was eating something. at first they thought it was grass because i do have cow-like tendencies (and maybe several stomachs. it would explain my constant hunger). but then they heard "crunch!" grass doesn't crunch. (if it does, your grass may be genetically modified) and mum pulled a dried piece of barbeque out of my mouth! (i'm nice about putting things in my mouth and surprisingly nice about letting the apes pull things out of it). the field we play in is used for tailgating during football season and it appears that i could find bbq anywhere. it's a talent, a survival skill, if you will. but then i also found some other stuff. (warning: gross stuff below. the squeamish should look away NOW):

first--deer poops! they weren't there yesterday so there must be some bambis wandering around.

and my apes found me about to put TEETH in my mouth--ewwww! they had to save me from myself because, frankly, i'll put anything in my mouth. yup, we found some teeth, part of a jaw, and some skin. mawma says they looked like something she called an 'herbivore' which i looked up in the dogtionary and it reads 'weirdo creature that does not eat meats. not even bacon! what's the point!' after taking pictures and putting them where i couldn't put them in my mouth we beat a hasty retreat from the teeth. mawma suspects a deer but we also live near an ag facility with cows (too big) and sheeps (maybe). maybe we could have figured it out if they'd let me eat them.

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