Saturday, September 15, 2007

Is it Over Yet?

Things are not going as planned. The Wally is not pleased.

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Ready for some FOOOTBALL!

Yup! It's football time! The Hoooooooskers are playing #1 USC. And we had to have appropriate snackables! I listened to everyone who suggested what we should eat. Of COURSE we had to have CORN.

And Hoosker fruitable salad with red fruitables (wallymelon, strawberryables, and rasps) and white fruitables (apples and banananananas)

And vegetable Hoosker salad! With roasted red pepper and corns and black beans and cilantros and avocados.

And, of course, STEAK!

Um, is there some more in there?

Here my sissy is being supertuff like a Husker. She wants to be a Blackshirt (that's the defense). I taught her everything she knows.

I've got my jersey on!

My ma ape and I coordinated outfits.

And I've staked out the best spot on the couch.

Let's win this thing Hooskers!

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The Luckiest Dog in the World

Yup, that's me! I have the best friends and the BEST girlfriend! I know because today the mailman brought me a BOX. All the way from Texas! From the Five Happy Hounds! And I know one little hound in particular took special care to rub herself all over the goodies before her mom packed them up and took them to the post office! Mmmm...we can smell some SAMANTHA!

I was nice enough to share the prezzies, even those that were OBVIOUSLY for me (like the football) with my sissy!

Ooooh...I love my chubby fuzzy pig with a pot belly! (And I'm referring here to the toy, not my ma ape. She's not so fuzzy.).

My sissy snagged the fuzzy ball.

And I snagged everything else like the IPaw (does it play ABBA? I hear it in my head!) and the Crunchy Tuna (one of my apes eats that sushi flavor!)

And Sam is looking out for my safety and sent me a sticker in case the firepeoples need to rescue me. Good idea, Sam!

And she sent us buff-lo jerky that was SO GOOD and we ate it SO FAST she couldn't even get a picture!

And PB Zuke's! As you can tell from the picture we also got bananadananas to wear! One with FLAMES and one with HEARTS. I think Sam picked them out because I am smokin' hot AND I am a lovey dovey. Maybe she meant for the pink one to go on Ethel but I think I'm totally smashing in pink!

But I knew that what I REALLY wanted was still in that box!

A letter and SPECIAL poem from my very SPECIAL GIRL.

It says "Roses are red/Violets are blue/I'd like to eat my melon/Right off of you" Whew! I might need a cold shower after that one!

Lean in for a thank you smooch, Ms. Samantha (your mom can have one too since she got to the post office TWICE with her hurt legable!)

Here I am singing a song just for you!

To be sung to the tune of Baby Got Back:

"I like a basset hound and I cannot lie! You other doggies can't deny. When Sam walks in with her droopy skin you get drooly!"

I'm so romantic.

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Friday, September 14, 2007

Warming Up the Pipes

Saturday night is the most important thing ever--Nebraska Cornhuskers vs. USC Trojans. HAHA! Their mascot is a prophylactic! It's the biggest game EVER. So it's going to be on the TV. I have to warm up my voice because I will need to SING and to SHOUT during the game.

My GooberPal (Stan) taught me this song to sing with the USC fight song because they play it ever 30 seconds during ever &$%$&* game:

Is that the only song you know?
It's boring and it's slow
We really wish you'd go........

I also have to warm up my jaws because I heard there may be some bones involved in the game-watching tomorrow. Unsure if they will be actual Trojan bones. Also I hear we're going to have RED FOOD for the Huskers. What kinds of red food do you think we should have?

Can you guess what song I'm singing in THIS picture. I'm really into it!

OK, I'll tell you*. I re-wrote the Nebraska song to go like this!

There is no dog like Wally!
Good ole Wally dog!
His head is the biggest
His teeth are the sharpest
And Trojans, he's gonna bite YOOOOOOOOOOOUUU!

* May actually be singing along to ABBA here. But I'll never tell!

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So Tanner's burpday is on Saturday so his BROTHER JOE has like totally been letting him blog ALL THE TIME but I don't get to blog like EVER and I told my brother that he is totally a grumpy OLD MAN and like Joe is old and grumpy but he's STILL NICER THAN WALLY. So Wally said I could do a BLOG but he said I have to have a TOPIC and STICK TO IT. So I WILL TRY.

Here I am RUNNING. I like to RUN. We've been getting up early to watch FOOTBALL in the morning but it's confusing because they are not the PLAYERS with plastic heads and big shoulders! And they are LADIES like ME! (Well, I'm a BITCH but my ma ape said DON'T CALL THEM THAT!) And my brother said that there are two kinds of football and one is also soccer. ANd I said I don't care. They get to RUN AROUND with a BALL so when I grow up I want to be a FOOTBALL PLAYER. And my brother said that ESPN shows them in the middle of the night because of their total commitment to women's sports and their need to show more physically challenging sports like POKER and POOL during prime times and I was like--what? And he said I don't even KNOW about literary devices like SARCASM and IRONY and PARODY and then he gave me a book by this guy named Jonathan Swift and, like, they were eating IRISH BABIES. Jeez! That'd doesn't sound like a modest proposal to me. LOOK! I RUN FAST!

My brother said to be more BRIEF and to the POINT! LOOK! And I learned to WINK so I can FLIRT WITH DOGS.

And I want to CLEAR UP what WALLY said about my FLOPPY TONGUE cuz he's like totally a LIAR. SEE! I have PERFECT TONGUE CONTROL.

I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! And I pity! Anyone who is Wally TO-DAY!

And so here is my burpday present for Tanner which is like totally awesome pictures of ME!
My brother says he has a wife and a cucumber or concubone or something but I don't know what that means and Wally said they are prettier than me but I don't know. I just want to chase him in big fast circles anyway.

Wait, what were we talking about?


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Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Big Ape Lives!

While he shall never honk again, my ape was able to re-stuff the ape. He is now FrankenApe (Apenstein?), returned from the dead. My ma ape has suggested I may have to wear him around my neck to forever testify to my sin. Like the Scarlet Letter. A Monkey on My Back.

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Get Well Soon, Buko!

My friend Buko is going to the neurologist to see if there's a problem with his brain that is causing his problem with his hind legables (our apes should probably get their brains checked out too, eh?). I hope that the doctor can fix you up and I've been practicing surgery on my stuffies so if you need surgery I can lend a paw!

Good luck, BukoPie!

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The Out of Doors!

Since it is no longer 7 gazillion billion degrees we got to go play in the field after the naked apes came home from "work." As you can see, I'm a little happy about it:

My sissy just wanted to fetch fetch fetch.

And she did! Unfortunately, dusk is a lousy time for pictures. Or so my ma ape says. Maybe she's just a lousy photographer.

Look! I found a Wally-sized hole in the fence! Shall I escape and be a free man, roaming through the wilds on my own, no responsibilities, no burdens, no nagging ma apes?

Nah, we have a freezy box at home full of meat tubes.

And my sissy. I can't take her anywhere without that tongue flopping out. What a mess!

I practiced for Asta's cowgirl party by eating some grass. I'm going as a cow.

And, of course, a little outside roachin'!

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

R.I.P. Big Honking Ape 2007-2007

Eulogy for a Honking Big Ape

You were truly a Great Ape with your honking belly and limbs that squeaked. In fact, I loved you so much that my ma ape let me take you to bed with me in case I got scared and needed the love of an ape. And you kept me company through the long night. And then I repaid you the next day when my ma ape was gone too long and I tore you to bits, taking care to pull out your honking bits and all of your stuffing through a single hole in the neck. An emergency tracheotomy, if you will. I left your fluffy white innards in the living room and took care to drag your furry carcass, not naked and ugly like those other apes, to leave it in the doorway of the bedroom as a cryptic warning to the naked apes.

Do not cross the Ape Slayer.

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Depressing news of the day

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My granny sent me this story which made me very, very sad. It's about the number of species creeping closer to extinction, including the naked ape cousins the gorgillas and the orange tangs.

Gorillas, orangutans, and corals are among the plants and animals which are sliding closer to extinction.

The Red List of Threatened Species for 2007 names habitat loss, hunting and climate change among the causes.

The World Conservation Union (IUCN) has identified more than 16,000 species threatened with extinction, while prospects have brightened for only one.

You naked apes should really do something more about this before the planet adds you to the list. Why spare the ugliest apes?

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I'm so generous.

Wake up, ma ape!

My ma ape is a wee bit sleepy this morning. I had to shout at her to wake up last night during the thunderstorm so she could sleep on the floor with me. I didn't want her to be scared.

If she would just be sensible and take at least half a dozen naps during the day this wouldn't be a problem. Naked apes. When will they learn?

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Monday, September 10, 2007

Life's Disappointments

Things that disappointed me today:

1) It is Monday. That is always disappointing.
2) Britney Spears's performance at the MTV Awards.
3) Baseball! I root for THREE TEAMS and it looks like all have experienced disastrous end of the season collapses. And it's a boring game to boot! Baseball is OVER.
4) The Eagles. They lost to the PACKERS.
5) The death of Alex, the 31-year old talking parrot who learned 150 words. And I bet at least some of those were dirty.
6) My personal photographer. Classic moments she missed today: playing bitey face with my ma ape, a particularly noisy and vigorous roaching session on her pile of dirty clothes that I hauled out of the hamper, a singing session at the top of the stairs.
7) The weather. Why is it 89-degrees and HUMID. It is AUTUMN stupid weather!
8) Realizing that if Notre Dame and Michigan are playing each other next week, one of those teams will win.
9) Only getting one chicken drummy for dinner.
10) We have polished off the tasty tasty biscuits Sparky sent us.

So, amidst all of this disappointment what keeps me going?

That little light within.

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Sunday, September 09, 2007

The Other Footie!

I happen to ALSO be a big ole fan of the OTHER football. This will be of some interest to some of my friends like Boo who is a fan and player himself. It may also be of interest to my friend Amber who doesn't care about ape sports and only likes the sports SHE can play! And she could play footie with me and my sissy!

Conveniently it is time for the Women's World Cup in soccer! And that means we'd better get ourselves some gear! See what my ma ape brought us! A ball! With loads of flags on it! I don't really have a favoritest team (since Les Bleus did not qualify!) but I do like the Scandahoovians and the Ghanans and the Canucks. Their flags are all on my ball!

Jeez Ethel! You could melt the ball with that stink!

Here I POUNCE on it!

I'm a real good goalie who can stop the ball when the ma ape kicks it to me.

And then I wait for my handsome reward!

My sissy is a bit, erm, rougher with the ball.

She has a technique that I think would be frowned upon by FIFA.

When we were done playing we, of course, had to be rewarded for our fine footie skills and so we got dried tripeable snackables! My ma ape wanted us to eat them because she said they "smelled worse than my jack mack gas!" I don't know what she's talking about! Smelly food=Tasty food.

Ethel agrees!

I'd like to send a get well soon shout out to Herbie who is under the weather and Buster whose 'rents have the flu and couldn't even fetch him donuts today. So get well to them and poor, starving Buster.

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