A Tragic Loss

We have suffered a great loss in our family. The greatest stuffy of All Time. Beloved by many, humped by Waylon, and gifted by Grammie. And thus, friends, Wall-E ends.


There has been much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments. And you'd better believe that I have my eyes on the culprit.



Since it is open season on Wall-Es I will be sleeping with one eye open.

And plotting my revenge. Oh yes, sweet sweet revenge.

Lawn & Order: Stuffy Victims Unit

We have yet another crime on our hands. Disemboweled bovine (also random alien stuffy arm.):

The evidence speaks for itself.

It doesn't look good for the corgador.


But grainy surveillance video has surfaced suggesting a frame-up:

Is it a conspiracy or are they merely allowing Wally to take the fall?


Free Wally!

The Tail of the Pink Monkey

A few weeks ago I got a box of monkeys from my Grammie. Ok, monkeys and apes (for my onkel eric who like to keep his monkey distinct from his apes). Meet the simian who has risen above the rest, the Pink Monkey.


The Pink Monkey has seen better days. He is missing his tail, an eye, an arm, and his belly button.

Who is responsible for this carnage? Could these hooligans be involved?

The Oscar Bean, Super Teen disagrees vigorously:

So vigorously, indeed, that if he had any brain they would be scrambled like an egg. No, here is the truth. The Pink Monkey is a victim of brotherly love. Ordinarily I do not share my stuffies. Indeed, I prefer to disembowel alone, and I maintain my solitary stuffitude with great vigilance with what the ma ape calls "first class bastardy." Namely, I show my teeth and give a growl worthy of a tiger.


But I let my baby brudder play tug with me over the Pink Monkey.

And thus I contemplate the power of the pink monkey, able to bring together two brothers in a bond over ripping a stuffy limb from limb. Could we have discovered the secret to world peace? Or just good way to spend a Saturday morning?

Behold, the pink monkey.

Planet of the AAAAAPES!

It's finally here! The MONKEY BOX REPORT! My ma ape sometimes calls us the monkey house because sometimes my baby brudder howls like a monkey. And yesterday--our house got FOUR NEW APES. Fortunately not naked apes!

It all began with a big surprise. A box at the door! From Oregon! And that means...BIG FOOT! No, that means GRAMMIE!

The box was taller than me so I let Oscar Bean open it up.

AND LOOK WHAT WAS INSIDE! AAAAAPES! There is a gorilla, a white gorilla, an orangetang and a chimp/naked ape hybrid (that must be why it is pink and wearing a t-shirt right?)

My brudder thought he could share. He could not.

The apes are WALLY'S DOMINION!

I piled up all the apes in the room and and tested them all out. And when my ma ape tried to use the gorilla for a pilla, I stole it back!

And look what else I found in the box! MARIONBERRIES.

And the note said that there was something in the box for the ma ape. And the ma ape was so excited because she does love her some marionberries, especially on her ice creams.

But she was clearly mistaken. I think this is what Grammie and Moco sent for her:

Thank you Grammie and Moco and Dawson and Foley and Edgar and Clara and Pappy! I'm the luckiest dog in the world. And I can't wait to take more pictures of me and my ape crew by the harsh light of day!

Butts are breaking everywhere!

ANOTHER butt has broken in our house. And while many of you expressed appreciation that we did not post pictures of sissy's pus butt, this time I decided that everyone needs to see the carnage.



The moosebutt is on the loose!


My ma ape says that two butts exploding in close proximity to me is HIGHLY suspicious. But I say--does this face look guilty to YOU?

Cue Taps

The Big Ass is Big no more. He was decapitated, destuffed, and dehonked in an unfortunate wrestling incident Monday night.


Here lie his remains in a dignified heap.


What a friend you were in life, a wonderful pillow in death.


I guess there's only room for one Big Ass in this house.

Busted!

The horrible carnage of squeaky toys has been blamed on a single culprit, the Wally.


Surveillance footage from this morning indicates he may have a partner in crime.


A weenie wailing accomplice, it seems.


The horror! The horror!

Oh crap, that's ma ape with the camera.

The Luckiest Dog in the World

Yup, that's me! I have the best friends and the BEST girlfriend! I know because today the mailman brought me a BOX. All the way from Texas! From the Five Happy Hounds! And I know one little hound in particular took special care to rub herself all over the goodies before her mom packed them up and took them to the post office! Mmmm...we can smell some SAMANTHA!


I was nice enough to share the prezzies, even those that were OBVIOUSLY for me (like the football) with my sissy!

Ooooh...I love my chubby fuzzy pig with a pot belly! (And I'm referring here to the toy, not my ma ape. She's not so fuzzy.).


My sissy snagged the fuzzy ball.


And I snagged everything else like the IPaw (does it play ABBA? I hear it in my head!) and the Crunchy Tuna (one of my apes eats that sushi flavor!)


And Sam is looking out for my safety and sent me a sticker in case the firepeoples need to rescue me. Good idea, Sam!


And she sent us buff-lo jerky that was SO GOOD and we ate it SO FAST she couldn't even get a picture!

And PB Zuke's! As you can tell from the picture we also got bananadananas to wear! One with FLAMES and one with HEARTS. I think Sam picked them out because I am smokin' hot AND I am a lovey dovey. Maybe she meant for the pink one to go on Ethel but I think I'm totally smashing in pink!



But I knew that what I REALLY wanted was still in that box!


A letter and SPECIAL poem from my very SPECIAL GIRL.


It says "Roses are red/Violets are blue/I'd like to eat my melon/Right off of you" Whew! I might need a cold shower after that one!


Lean in for a thank you smooch, Ms. Samantha (your mom can have one too since she got to the post office TWICE with her hurt legable!)


Here I am singing a song just for you!

To be sung to the tune of Baby Got Back:

"I like a basset hound and I cannot lie! You other doggies can't deny. When Sam walks in with her droopy skin you get drooly!"

I'm so romantic.

The Big Ape Lives!

While he shall never honk again, my ape was able to re-stuff the ape. He is now FrankenApe (Apenstein?), returned from the dead. My ma ape has suggested I may have to wear him around my neck to forever testify to my sin. Like the Scarlet Letter. A Monkey on My Back.

R.I.P. Big Honking Ape 2007-2007

Eulogy for a Honking Big Ape

You were truly a Great Ape with your honking belly and limbs that squeaked. In fact, I loved you so much that my ma ape let me take you to bed with me in case I got scared and needed the love of an ape. And you kept me company through the long night. And then I repaid you the next day when my ma ape was gone too long and I tore you to bits, taking care to pull out your honking bits and all of your stuffing through a single hole in the neck. An emergency tracheotomy, if you will. I left your fluffy white innards in the living room and took care to drag your furry carcass, not naked and ugly like those other apes, to leave it in the doorway of the bedroom as a cryptic warning to the naked apes.

Do not cross the Ape Slayer.

Update on the Big Honking Ape

Some of you (Lorenza and Poppy) have expressed some concern about the well-being of Big Honking Ape (my supersweet prezzie from Sparky) because of the copious amounts of stuffing in the picture with him. Have no fear! The stuffing was the innies of my old weenie who has been bisected and his insides thoroughly inspected. (Note: photo may be disturbing to those who insist on intact stuffies and/or wiener dogs. Lorenza and Luckie--avert your eyes!)

Here is my old wiener, now in TWO parts (though, sadly, I must report that unlike worms, wieners cannot live after being cut in two). Also in this picture is Skelweenie (The Big Bone) who is healthy and thriving and laughing at Dead Weenie.


Here I am with my handiwork!


And here I am with Big Honking Ape--still in good shape!


And ready to play!

And I have found that his Honking noise is even COOLER at 5 a.m. when one or both apes are trying to sleep. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK.