The Story of My Butt by Ethel

Hey Hey Hey! It's Ethel Ethel ETHEL!

I heard MY BRO was talking about MY BUTT. And it is TRUE he BROKE IT! He says it is because my POO is not as NICE as HIS but you dogs on the internets said that maybe HE DID IT! The guy in the WHITE COAT said that I have an INFRACTION and have to take ANTI-Bs. I am lucky because some of my friends have owies much worse than MINE. Like SoCal Maggie who got hit by a car and Archie who hurts knees and has to spend all day watching THE HBO. Get better guys!

But I'm a-ok and I hear (cuz I can't look myself) that my bum looks like 100% less gross.

See me play!

Leeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaan...


And we had snow on Thusday but then it disappeared overnight. I think my BROTHER ATE IT ALL. It's funny cuz he's on a diet but when we went to the vet I had lost TWO POUNDS.

Look at me in my disguises.

See, here I'm GREYHOUND:



Here I'm a SHEPHERD:

Snow babies

Too keep your mind off my sissy's dirty, stinky, smelly, slimy pus butt I thought I would show you some pictures of us in the snow. The clean white snow, before I made it yellow.

I eat gallons of snow. It keeps me young.



Sissy likes to catch snowballs.


But she gets confused about where they go after she gets them in her mouth. Yesterday the new vet asked if sissy was smart. She's lucky I wasn't there to answer. NO WAY JOSE!


She also likes to run SO FAST. Her legs are so weird!


I like to catch snowballs. And eat them.


The backsplatter really enhances the handsome, I think.

The Buttdate

Here's an update on my sissy's bum: IT'S BROKEN! Yup, my sissy went and ruptured her anal gland. EWWWW! And it is every bit as gross as you might imagine. G-R-O-S-S! But it has made me HIGHLY suspicious. Because you know who else has a broken butt? Tanner, aka DOOFUS. Is my sissy a DOOFUS? Signs point to yes.

To recap:

DIRTY BUTT (see, the snow even turns colors behind her):


CLEAN BUTT! (Pure as the driven snow)


Here are the things that have broken this week:

1) the iPawd (but it fixed itself)
2) the elliptical machine
3) my ma ape's car
4) my sissy

Things that have NOT broken:

1) WALLY T. CORGADOR.

PUS BUTT!

My sissy's butt exploded! She has to go to the vet today to have him look at her pus butt! The picture on this page looks exactly like her bum so she has to go to the vet. HA!

I'm definitely going to be spending less time back there:

GROOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Things My Granny Learned

Now that the grands have left I have had time to reflect on all the things they learned from ME while they were here. I had so many things to show them. I showed them my field where they learned how to take pictures of my handsome mug.


And my gramps went to Philly and he learned how to play Rocky.


And my granny is really good at roaching only she calls it "YOGA" when she rolls around on her back grunting. So I showed her some new "yoga" moves with some mighty fine roachin'.


And my granny gave me and my sissy some blankets for cleaning us. Does she think we're dirty? I think my blanket works best as an Obi Wan Kenobi outfit.


I showed my granny how to nap on the Grammie Blankie! And look at my ever so subtle snaggle.


And then I showed my granny how she can fix my broken stuffies!


And then I showed her how I break them!


And I showed her how gently I take the baby carrots.


And how I eat lamb bones during the Seahawks game! Munch munch. Losing makes me hungry!


I hope you had a good visit granny. Come back soon so you can learn even more from me. (PS. The moose is STILL on the loose! I haven't broken it yet).

Oh no! I lost my granny!

Oh no! My granny and gramps got lost this morning. I saw them getting into a car with their bags. They were last seen heading toward the airport!


And look what happened after they left. The sun disappeared and Delaware turned WHITE.


See how sad I am.


Granny, I will miss sharing yogurt with you in the morning. And getting presents from you. And being told how big my head is. And napping on the couches. And next time you bring presents please don't forget that my sissy is the one that dropped disgusting damp tennis balls in your lap while I guarded your luggage so no one would steal it. Also, gramps, thanks for the lambables, our power breakfast.

Some Points of Clarification

So in my last post some WISE A$$es pointed out that 1) that picture is in London 2) my ma ape is not a dude 3) she probably drives a jalopy of a newer vintage. Indeed, it was not an accurate representation of events. Fair enough. Her junker is sitting in a much less interesting location and, we hope, is not smoking. However, I will have you know that my sissy and I were so good. Some things we did not do (which we may have done last visit my the grandparents):

1) bite gramps
2) go through the grandparents' luggage, strew toiletries across floor
3) steal a granola bar from previous mentioned luggage
4) growl at granny
5) jump repeatedly on granny (that one is not MY fault)

The one thing we DID do was to open up a tin of sardines but that was not really bad because we were trying to be good and make our own dinner. There also may have been a little of this:

in front of granny and gramps. But while they acted disgusted I know they loved it. Just like sissy.

And if I were not SO GOOD would my granny have brought me this?

I will tell you more about their visit later. Should my ma ape ever get her car back and in working order.

Not So Charming City!

So my ma ape went to Baltimore, the Charm City, with my granny n' gramps today. But then this happened.


The jalopy broke down. So my ma ape went on a small tour of West Baltimore and thought of my pal Sophie who is a fan of The Wire. My ma ape did her best to become a plot line today! So me and my sissy were home today for a long time and we were SO GOOD. I just wanted everyone to know that. SO GOOD.