Happy No Traitors Day!

We need to have a talk.


It's hard out here for a dog. And even harder when his ma ape is cheating on him, and his bloggy friends are supporting the CHEATING ENABLERS. But I know I alway have one ally in the "No More Dogs Wally's Ma Ape!" crusade. My granny:

So I am not celebrating Ma Ape Day until she apologizes AND does something extra nice (like that cake she's been promising us). Until then it's just you and me Granny (with an N for Nebraska!) So I'm on my way to Nebraska, Granny:

It may take me awhile, though, because I will have to check out all the pee-mails. And take lots of naps. And eat grass. But will you be able to resist this face when it gets to your doorstep? See the halo around my head?


And we will live happily ever after!


Happy Grannies are Not Traitors Day!

One More Post!

Ok, I have to post one more time because my granny with an N is having surgery tomorrow. I thought she was getting spayed (don't want another mistake like my ma ape!) but she's having cat-racks removed from her eyes or something. I don't blame her. Cats in the eyes are no good. But in case she never sees again I know this is the last thing she would want to see:

This is moments before we bump heads because, you know, our eyesight is not so good.

Get well soon granny and milk it for all the sympathy, snacks, and belly rubs you can get!

For Granny, a Fox Babe

So my granny is a big Fox News fan. She especially loves it when she's at the gym and on the elliptical and someone turns on the Faux News and turns it up REAL LOUD she can hear John Gibson's voice echoing in her ears as she works out, slowly killing her brain cells. So I wanted to post this for her from the Daily Show--a report on Fox News:





Haha. Granny's gonna be SO MAD at me. Haha.

Things My Granny Learned

Now that the grands have left I have had time to reflect on all the things they learned from ME while they were here. I had so many things to show them. I showed them my field where they learned how to take pictures of my handsome mug.


And my gramps went to Philly and he learned how to play Rocky.


And my granny is really good at roaching only she calls it "YOGA" when she rolls around on her back grunting. So I showed her some new "yoga" moves with some mighty fine roachin'.


And my granny gave me and my sissy some blankets for cleaning us. Does she think we're dirty? I think my blanket works best as an Obi Wan Kenobi outfit.


I showed my granny how to nap on the Grammie Blankie! And look at my ever so subtle snaggle.


And then I showed my granny how she can fix my broken stuffies!


And then I showed her how I break them!


And I showed her how gently I take the baby carrots.


And how I eat lamb bones during the Seahawks game! Munch munch. Losing makes me hungry!


I hope you had a good visit granny. Come back soon so you can learn even more from me. (PS. The moose is STILL on the loose! I haven't broken it yet).

Oh no! I lost my granny!

Oh no! My granny and gramps got lost this morning. I saw them getting into a car with their bags. They were last seen heading toward the airport!


And look what happened after they left. The sun disappeared and Delaware turned WHITE.


See how sad I am.


Granny, I will miss sharing yogurt with you in the morning. And getting presents from you. And being told how big my head is. And napping on the couches. And next time you bring presents please don't forget that my sissy is the one that dropped disgusting damp tennis balls in your lap while I guarded your luggage so no one would steal it. Also, gramps, thanks for the lambables, our power breakfast.

Some Points of Clarification

So in my last post some WISE A$$es pointed out that 1) that picture is in London 2) my ma ape is not a dude 3) she probably drives a jalopy of a newer vintage. Indeed, it was not an accurate representation of events. Fair enough. Her junker is sitting in a much less interesting location and, we hope, is not smoking. However, I will have you know that my sissy and I were so good. Some things we did not do (which we may have done last visit my the grandparents):

1) bite gramps
2) go through the grandparents' luggage, strew toiletries across floor
3) steal a granola bar from previous mentioned luggage
4) growl at granny
5) jump repeatedly on granny (that one is not MY fault)

The one thing we DID do was to open up a tin of sardines but that was not really bad because we were trying to be good and make our own dinner. There also may have been a little of this:

in front of granny and gramps. But while they acted disgusted I know they loved it. Just like sissy.

And if I were not SO GOOD would my granny have brought me this?

I will tell you more about their visit later. Should my ma ape ever get her car back and in working order.

Not So Charming City!

So my ma ape went to Baltimore, the Charm City, with my granny n' gramps today. But then this happened.


The jalopy broke down. So my ma ape went on a small tour of West Baltimore and thought of my pal Sophie who is a fan of The Wire. My ma ape did her best to become a plot line today! So me and my sissy were home today for a long time and we were SO GOOD. I just wanted everyone to know that. SO GOOD.

Weekend Cleaning

My ma ape said that we have to clean the house before Granny (with an N for Nebraska) gets here. This could be a monumental task and the ma ape said that we will need all paws on deck.

Sissy was alarmed but volunteered to rid the yard of squirrels. Gee thanks, sissy.


I wanted to work on the ambience so I got out one of my oldest and bestest friends, the bungee corgi:

Bungee Corgi came all the way from Seattle! And is still--miraculously--in one piece. We have heart to hearts from time to time to discuss life as a short-legged dude. He is the strong, silent type and is an excellent listener.


I think Granny (N for Needing Snacks, Granny!) will like to meet B.C. He's the kind of friend you can really sink your teeth into.

Granny in the House!

What is this handsome surprised face for?


My granny AND gramps are coming in three weeks. I'd better get to work practicing on my begging. How's this?

My sissy and I have been busily decorating. She made two new stains in the dining room with some barf (Joe--sissy may be angling to become Queen of the Stains) while I did my bit on the stairs last week. I have also spread some stuffy fluff around the house.

Bon Voyage, Granny & Gramps!

My Granny N for Nebraska is soon going to be Grassy, for Granny in Sweden!



This is the Christmas Goat in Gavle where my Grassy Granny is going. It has its own Wikipedia entry so it must be important, right?

My auntie Ira is going to defend her diss-hurt-ation. I offered to help defend it with my teeth but my granny opted for duty-free liquor instead of me as her carry-on. Remember to cry a lot and Auntie Ira will feed you some pastrami. That's what I did. And also please tell Onkel Eric that I am not spoiled.

So you don't forget me while you're being Grassy, here's some pictures to remember me by. here I am being adorable, using my sissy's bum as a pillow:


And here is one of my best handsome roaching faces.


Have a good trip Granny and Gramps! If you visit I'll EAT a goat which is much cooler (literally and figuratively).

I'm Evolving.

My granny has this funny shirt about yogalution:



But she doesn't even know the NEXT stage of evolution:

UPRIGHT WALLY! Your counters will never be safe again.

Happy Burpday GRANNY!

I should note, this is not an actual rendering of my granny but what her fellow apes may have looked like when she was born:



I don't know how old my granny ape will be but my ma ape is at least three gazillion years old so my granny ape must be older. My ma ape says maybe I should "quit while I'm ahead" and stop "being a pot calling the kettle old" or my granny might not visit me again! NO! GRANNY! Visit me! Make me Eggs!

Look, for your burpday I got you a lovely tennis ball that has been in my sissy's mouth, and on the ground, and in my mouth! It's all nice and damp for you!


Also I went on the internets and used the plastic and bought you some presentables (my ma ape said you wouldn't like moozles OR meaty bones so that's on her conscience). Here is a hint:



And the presentable is going to be late but better late than never and don't be an ungrateful granny! Maybe you'd get your presents on time if you'd ever visit your favorite grandson Wally.

Goodnight, Greatgranny

This is a picture of my great granny and my granny. My great granny passed away this afternoon. I only got to meet her once but my ma ape loved her so she must have put the great in granny. Good night, great granny, and we send Wally smooches to my granny.

Life's a B*tch, so's my Ma Ape

My granny sent me this story about this woman who rescued her dog from a python:

A Hong Kong woman kicked and punched a 4.5 metre (15 foot) Burmese python to wrest free her pet dog after the snake wrapped itself around it.

Catherine Leonard grappled with the python after it attacked Poppy during a walk in the Sai Kung country park

My granny asked my ma ape if she would do that for ME, that is, if she would put her life on the line for me. So I asked my ma ape. And SHE said "I did, just the other night." And I asked her what she meant. And she said "After you guys ate the pig bones you had pork butt!" And I said "SO?" And she said "Your flatulence could have downed an elephant, dudes!"

And then she said--no more pork bones. I'll let the python take her.

Hot Dog

That is the face of a Hot Dog. You already knew I was smokin' hot--like George Clooney, or Boo--but I am also too d*mn hot temperature wise. Stupid global warming. Every day in August has been over 90. EVERY DAY.

My granny sent me this story from the Times today with the stupid title "Think your dog is smart, his collar may be smarter" which is stupid because nothing--not an iPhone, not my ma ape, not a Rhodes Scholar, not even a dolphin--is smarter than me. The story is about GPS collars that help you keep track of your dog. I guess it is helpful for hunting dogs and what not. Since my granny seems awfully concerned about my whereabouts (I know, granny, is is hard to be away from your favorite boy) I thought I would give her a written approximation:

4:15 a.m. Wake up the ma ape with a barely perceptible and pathetic whine
4:20-5 a.m. Go for walk, pant heavily, come home.
5:00-5:00:30: Eat breakfast
5 a.m.-6 a.m. Go back to bed.
6 a.m.-8 a.m. Take a nap at the top of the stairs
8 a.m.-8:01 Beg for snacks, get jack squat
8:01-10 a.m. Sleep in the basement
10:00-10:01: Run outside, speed pee, come back inside
10:01-2 p.m. Sleep in the basement some more
2:00-2:15 p.m. Go outside with the ma ape, watch her pick tomatoes, harass the neighbor, pant, come inside and get whiting snack
2:15-2:20 Kill the Big Yellow Wiener Dog Squeaky
2:20-5p.m. Post-kill nap on the couch
5:00-5:02 p.m. Whine very perceptively, go outside, eat chicken breast
5:02-present: nap on the ma ape's feets.

I DO need a GPS device to track my stealthy moves, I think. I'm exhausted just thinking about my day. I need a nap.

Forgiving Granny

So I was feeling bummed about my Granny maybe not loving me enough but clearly the dogosphere has my back and I have had dozens of offers of grannies. I do think, though, that Sherman is on to something here:

Ferndoggle said...

Obviously your granny needs to have her eyes checked. However, she may be right. Conan could have been the "cutest" dog ever. But cute is for bunnies, kittens & bald headed babies.

We're *handsome*...and you are definitely in a tie for the most handsomest dog in the whole universe.

Tell Granny she can keep her CUTE!

Sherman

Yes, Sherman. Conan is cute. Like bediapered babies. But cute gets you kissed by politicians and your cheeks pinched. No, Sherman and I belong in the MANLY category of HANDSOMESTEST. So I'm sure what my granny MEANT to say was that Conan is the all time cutest dog but I am a hunka manly handsome dog!

Here is a gallery to demonstrate the power of the Handsome:


The Shermanator:


And the manliest dog on the Internets, Tadpole:



(Pssst. Sherman--if we are manly handsome dudes does that mean my ma ape has to quit calling me "the sweetest sweet pea in the sweet pea patch" while she rubs my belly? Cuz I kind of like that.)

Update: My granny has since admitted that I am, in fact, cute. But I still want to be all manly and stuff, too. And it is nice to have back-up grannies, too.

Public Letter to my Granny

Dear Granny,

I am forced you write you this Dear John letter. Well, I guess it is more of a Dear Granny letter but I digress. Earlier this week you left this comment on my blog:

Granny said...

No offense Wally, but the late, great Conan was the cutest dog ever.

Now, I understand you are motivated by the fact that Conan was certainly much cuter, more charismatic and absolutely much smarter than your other two children. Not to mention, as my friend Ike pointed out, he knew his way around eyeliner like the best 80s hair bands. However, you seem to fail to appreciate your grandson's one of a kind good looks.

Let me remind you of my charming and disarming mug:


I am also very polite and willing to eat anything that is offered to me and even some things that have not been offered but have been left on the counter, the table, or your plate.

Must I remind you of

1) How my exotic good looks often lead passers-by to ask "What IS that?"
2) My underprivileged background as a homeless orphan
3) My psychiatric disorders (also known as "being a mama's boy" and "co-dependence")
4) That I am so handsome people do Google searches for my butt (seriously--more on that later)

If you are not persuaded by reason let me remind you, in the immortal words of the philosopher Beyonce, don't you ever get to thinking you're irreplaceable. Earlier this week I had THIS in my comments:

Grammie said...

Wally:
You are both wise and wonderful!
Peanut and Flash's Grammie

Yes, my pals Peanut and Flash's Grammie stopped by to tell me I was wonderful. I was so honored I was blushing!

I have thrown down the gauntlet (or whatever the doggie equivalent would be since I doubt we could wear gauntlets on our paws). As an apology I will accept heaps of praise, belly rubs and, of course, edibles.

love,
Your best grandson, Wally

granny and the guacamole revolution!

Caption: Bush extends his hand to a Guatemalan woman saying "Here's what's left of my political capital. Please take care of it."

As I mentioned before, my granny and gramps are visiting Guacamole coincidentally at the same time as El Presidente Bush. The Bush is promoting free trade in the region which is wildly popular, as you might imagine:

Work starts early for the people of the Guatemalan countryside, sometimes as early as 5 or 6. Not the time, the age. Guatemalan children shine shoes and make bricks. They cut cane and mop floors. At some factories exporting to the United States, they sew and sort and chop, often in conditions so onerous they violate even Guatemala’s very loose labor laws.

As with the other countries he's visited in Latin America, Bush has faced large protests:

Reporters traveling with the president were told to stay within two blocks of their hotel, because the security situation “deteriorates” beyond its immediate perimeter.

I am a bit concerned for my granny because I suspect that she might get caught up in the political ferment and accidentally be involved in a coup that will install me as Supreme Leader of the Guacamoleans. Stay tuned for more news of the revolution. I promise to share the fruits of our labor more fairly. Except for the bananas. I get all of the bananas.

adding insult to injury

So I find out my mawma's going to leave me for a few days but I think--whew, I'll be able to call my granny so I'll still have someone to tell me what a good, handsome boy I am. And then she drops this bomb--granny's going to GUACAMOLE. Which she says is south of Mexico. How can she visit my favorite dip without me!

Won't someone think of the Wally.

doga

my granny is a retired microbiologist/current yoga instructor and she sent me think link to a yoga pose that is totally ripped off from me!


this site calls this pose (a variation on downward-facing-dog) the "fire hydrant pose" or "tinkling dog".

here i am doing my regular doga exercise, having perfected this pose a long time ago note my impressive form. i stay in good shape with regular doga practice. tinkling dog is one of my favorite, though i am also partial to "hunchback wally" that is followed by my mawma's yoga pose "the poop bagger."