Saturday, January 26, 2008


On Monday I am having a Benign Fatty Tumor (BFT, not nearly as tasty as a BLT!) removed. This is my third one I've had to have popped off. This time they're going to do it with only local anesthesia because I have a ticker arrhythmia (I don't know what they're talking about--I have great rhythm!) AND because I'm real good at the vet and let them do whatever they want to me. Except look at my teeth. Then I get all shy. Though my sissy is threatening to give me sleeping gas if I don't stop singing "My lump My lump My lump, My lovely Wally lumps!" to the tune of the Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps." So, anyway, I've noticed that a number of my friends have ALSO recently had or are going to have their BFTs removed so I think we should have a club of Benign Fatty Friends! The BFFS!

Among the members are:

Scotsman Poet (and face/tongue double for my sissy!) MARVIN!

Brat Packer Bear, showing off his lumpless toes:

The Shermanator from Jackman Ave, my Partner in Chicken Backs:

And ME! WallyLump:

A devastatingly handsome collection of dogs, eh? Now we have the perfect number of members for a Barbershop quartet but I'm sure some more of you have probably tangled with BFTs and I'd be happy to add you. You may NOT, however, grow a BFT just fort he purposes of joining our club. That will just stress out your apes AND you might have to be a CONEHEAD.

Stay tuned for updates and photos of My lump My lump My lump, My lovely WALLY lumps!

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Friday, January 25, 2008

The Third Degree

My good pal Gooberstan (can you tell which set of luscious AireLips belong to StanMan?) and his sissy Stella have tagged us to answer some questions that inquiring minds want answered! This is like that show where they hook people up to lie detectors so you humiliate yourself in front of your spouse/parent/friend AND a studio audience. Do you apes never tire of embarassing one another for fun and profit? OK, here we go:

1. If I could be a different kind of animal I would be


Wally: Hippo. Look how big their mouths are! I could fit so many meaty bones in there. Or maybe a cow. I hear they have like four stomachs.

2. My favorite song is.

Ethel: Um, maybe "Legs" by ZZ Top.

Wally "Wallyloo" by ABBA. It's about Napolean. And me. And maybe my resemblance to Napolean (We are both short and believe that we could rule the world. I, however, am not delusional in this belief.)

3. If I could live anywhere in the world

Ethel: I would live at Wimbeldon! So many tennis balls to chase all day!

Wally: I would live in Twin Peaks (I used to live in Snoqualmie which is the real world Twin Peaks) because they have abundant cherry pie, dancing midgets AND a fish in the percolator!

4. If I were a famous movie star or personality I would be

Ethel: Venus Williams. Amelie Mauresmo. Martina Hingis. Serena Williams. You see where I'm going with this!

Wally: Henri Toulouse-Lautrec. (If you read the Wikipedia description of his physical disfigurement I think you will find it describes me quite well! Hehehehe). Babe, Pig in the City. Napolean. Winston Churchill.

5. I would like to be a spokesperson for

Ethel: TENNIS BALLS. National Association for Sissies with Exploding Butts (NAMBLA)

Wally: I am currently seeking employment as a mascot for the Chicago Cubs/Chicago Bears as the RallyWally. Call me, Chi-Town!

Gooberstan, I hope this answers all of your burning questions. Now I will tag the BRAT PACK! Behold the Eyes of Truth!

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Thursday, January 24, 2008

R(abblerouse) I(n) P(eace) Dennis Kucinich!

Dennis Kucinich is dropping out of the race. I always liked him because he is short and I had a sneaking suspicion he might choose me as a running mate because I would make him look tall. He also reminds me of my ma ape because she 1) is also diminutive in size 2) is also a vegan 3) keeps lots of things in her pockets.

Here is my favorite video of him on The Colbert Report. We could have made beautiful executive decisions together Dennis!

Peace out Dennis!

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A little nip/tuck

This is an angry dog.

I heard the ma ape on the phone this morning. Talking to Dr. Teti (who we used to think was Dr. Teddy. But he is not actually a bear, I guess). He's my vet. And I'm going under the knife on Monday. I have a little lump on my shoulder that he's going to remove. Don't believe the pooperazzi when they try to tell you that I've had a tummy tuck, botox, butt implants, a nose job, and a face lift. Totally untrue. While I am feeling a little aged with my five year adoption anniversary coming up I know that I, like fine wine or a stinky fish carcass, only grow better with age.

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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Harshin' my Vibe

Some of you may not know that I am an avid practitioner of Doga. I am quite good at meditation (with additional tongue contortion).

I stretch out.

And then scrunch up! (Granny with an N for Nebraska calls this cow/cat pose but I refuse to admit that I do a cat pose).

My sissy lacks my zenlike calm.

And she is totally a bad influence on me. Why, this week alone she has 1) peed on the couch (and she's not even allowed on the couch!) 2) stolen a box of biscuits from the table and munched on them 3) stolen jerky from the table and eaten it.

I feel like Ponyboy in the Outsiders, a basically good kid who is hanging with a tough crowd. See Sissy trying to convince me to join in some sort of nefarious plot?

This is the face of a dog trying to stand up to a great deal of peer pressure from a Bad Seed.

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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

What is UP?

My ma ape has not taken a picture of me in, like, two days. I don't know what her deal is. So here is a rodent with gigantic ears.

This is how lame my blogging will be until my ma ape gets off her keister and takes some pictures of me. I've had nothing to do but watch the Democrats be SO MEAN to one another in the debates in South Carolina. And I might be cranky if I had to be in South Carolina. Just kidding. I bet it's warmer than here. My prediction is that Ernest will win South Carolina by 15 points. He's doing well with the Dogocrats. And Giuliani will get third in Florida and say that is exactly what he meant to do.

Seriously, ma ape, get to work so that I can blog about important things. Namely, ME.

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Monday, January 21, 2008

The Good Cook

My pal Joe Stains has a ma who can cook like nobody's business. I've seen and drooled over her blog and her mad cooking skills for Joe and his Bro.

So I decided that my ma ape needs to cook more but the problem is that she does not eatable the meatables! So I got her a new cookbook. Even though she already has 200. And even though by "I got" I mean I pestered the other ape to get her this book that sounds like a cross between animal-free eating and devil worship:

While I do love the meatables I ALSO love the greenables so I looked through her book and helped her pick out some recipes. Nori rolls please!

Mmmmm..chickpea cutlets!

Since it was FOOTBALL DAY my ma ape decided to make tasty snacks so she made Chili Non Queso and Cutlets and Red Pepper Bean Dip and COCONUT PIE. And I can vouch for them all. But she forgot to take pictures which is ok because her food always looks like A** in pictures. And, also, like a good vegan, she fed us BUFFALO BONES for dinner. Awesome! I didn't even notice the apes not enjoying the football.

And someone stole our snow (I DIDN'T EAT IT ALL, ETHEL!) it is cold and I don't know what the point is of being cold without snow.

More coconut pie and snow, please.

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Sunday, January 20, 2008

Butts are breaking everywhere!

ANOTHER butt has broken in our house. And while many of you expressed appreciation that we did not post pictures of sissy's pus butt, this time I decided that everyone needs to see the carnage.

The moosebutt is on the loose!

My ma ape says that two butts exploding in close proximity to me is HIGHLY suspicious. But I say--does this face look guilty to YOU?

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