The cows are cussin!

Look! I'm in my Cornhusker jersey! (And yes, that is an antler and stuffing formerly belonging to the Moose). And my fellow footie fans might be wondering WHY I'm in my football gear when Nebraska football doesn't start for almost seven months!


The answer is because they are cow-cussin' in Nebraska today! And also in my former home Washington state! My granny is helping to run the cow-cussin' in Nebraska and I have no doubt she will be one of the finest cussers ever.


And if the Democrats cannot pick a nominee via primaries and cow-cusses I suggest maybe they have tug-o-war using a Big Ass. Or, alternatively, have surrogate tuggers like Me and and Buster (which my ma ape says is totally unfair because I have a chub advantage over Buster. Is that why they call some of them Superdelegates?)

And also I would just like to say that 1) I will accept a new Big Ass from the Democratic Party because mine is beyond repair and 2) maybe Buster and I could each grab one of John McCain's arms and TUUUUUUG. I think we'd be good at that.

Happy Burpday Onkel Eric!

Why am I singing? Because tomorrow is a very important day! It is my Onkel Eric's BURPDAY! And I am singing "You loooook like a monkey and you smellll llike one tooooooo!" But my Onkel will not be offended because he loves apes. My Onkel Eric always complains that I am spoiled but I think he's just jealous. Well, I know that my Auntie Ira (she of the abundant pastrami!) will spoil him on his burpday. As I gift I would like to volunteer to write the final chapter of your dis-hurt-station. It will go a little something like this:

While all of this stuff about postmodern American literature is quite interesting it is clear that the novel as a form has been displaced by a new and far superior literary form: THE DOGBLOG. (excessive footnotes to be added). The heterotopic space of fragmented subjectivities a will be replaced by a dogotopia in which linear notions of time and bounded space shall be replaced by the immediacy of canine experience . Human metanarratives and the rejection of those metanarratives will be remembered as mere anti-nostalgia for a time when anyone gave a crap what the naked apes said and did, a dark time before the rise of the dog-centric narratives in which the time is always now, the place is always here, and the food bowl is always full.

There, DONE! Let's eat and drink! I'm pretty good at this academic crap And if that doesn't work, maybe this dude can lend you a hand:

The Biggest Loser!

What do these three things have in common?

1. Mitt ("Rhymes with something else") Romney?
2. The last stitch in my owie that I did not remove myself.
3. That guy on Project Runway who cried all the time.


They're OUT!

While Mitt Romney was QUITTING the Presidential race, I was going to the vet because I had one stitch in that needed to come out.

Who is that waiting patiently in the Feminine Mystique?


Wally Tamale!


Do I look different? Here I am on the scale.


And LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!

I lost weight! AAAAND my ma ape said the scale wasn't even zeroed so I might be SKINNIER!


This calls for a celebration! SURF AND TURF, PLEASE!

Consternation

It was a dark and stormy day....

Yesterday was a day combining two of my least favorite things.

Thunderstorms.


And diets. You can't spell it without "die." Look, I am so hungry I have to lick out the inside of empty plastic bags.


I'm forced to practically devour my own chops. Mad with the hunger am I.


And another gratuitous tongue shot.


But good things come to those who wait. Underneath a sky threatening to open up with rain, I ate one of my favorite dinners with great haste. Quails! From Canada! And my favorite part of them is that they are from Quebec and the label is in French and Spanish and we buy them at the "Oriental Grocery." It's like the whole world is in my mouth!

And since they are from Canada I pretend I am dining with my Frosty Flirtador from the North, Ms. Sophie La Brador. She certainly would not make fun of the mad gleam in my eye as my cruel ma ape did. And she would never, ever make me diet. Because she loves me just as I am. Even as I flee to the bathroom to hide under the laundry bags during the thunder.

Super Silly Wednesday!

I was up late watching election returns so I'd like to keep things light today. So I thought I would share some funny things I saw yesterday.

1. The Conan O'Brien/Stephen Colbert/Jon Stewart Fight-o-Rama over the transitive property of Huckabee:





I would just like to add my two cents which is that I invented the transitive property as it applies to football years ago. So, boys, I WIN!

2. Nobody likes Mitt Romney. In West Virginia, John McCain pledged his delegates to Mike Huckabee just so Mitt Romney couldn't have any. I believe Nelson Muntz said it best on the Simpsons--HA HA. Here's why no one likes that dude:



3. This is me being adorable.

SUPER TUESDAY!

Today is a very important day. Twenty-three states are voting in primaries and might pick the nominees of both parties for the election in November. It's the playoffs before the Super Bowl! Except these actually matter! Well I got all ready to vote. I cleaned my voting paw, I put on my best Mariners collar and I watched approximately 400 hours of election coverage in the last few weeks. And Wolf Blitzer is NOT worthy of the name "wolf."

And then my ma ape told me. Dogs don't get to vote. Well, this explains a lot. No wonder things get so bungled. If the Dogocrats were in charge...

So here I am, a spectator in the process. But I made sure to remind my ma ape to get to the polls early and often! (If only we lived in Chicago). I got out one of my friends--Son of Big Ass, my mini-donkey.

Yes, the Democrats' mascot is an ass. But better to have one as your symbol than as your nominee! *rimshot!* Thank you, I'll be here all day!

Remind your apes to vote! And be sure to tell them HOW to vote. I really don't trust them not to mess this one up.

Stop Thief!

I got a new bed for Christmas. I also had a small bout of insomnia that led to me keeping the ma ape up all night trying to keep me from crying and pacing. I'm better now but I'm quite happy with the nighttime routine my sleep disorder spawned.


At nighttime my ma ape turns on a heating pad in the bottom of my bed and puts sissy's grammie blanket over it. Once I've done nesting in the blankie I settle in and my ma ape covers me with her French Soccer Team sweatshirt (Les Bleus!) Ahhhhhh. It's a dog's life. But how can a dog catch a few Zs when....


He's got a sissy who thinks it is a HOOT to steal his bed???


I guess I'll just have to sleep on the deflated soccer ball and computer cables. I wouldn't even treat a cat like this.

I will have to think of something SHE values to steal from her. But what does she have that I want?

Weekend Stupor!

It was already a busy week, what with my surgery on Monday and the my self-performed stitch removal on Thursday. And then with the Stupor Bowl and the Stupor Bowl parties it has been one busy weekend! Thanks to Joe and Gus for being GREAT hosts! (And thanks for letting me bathe in the hot dog water. I smell HOT!)

My sissy has been so excited for the game.

I tried to explain to her that REAL footballs are not covered in tennis ball fuzz nor do they squeak but she didn't really care.


But then my sissy is not the brightest bulb in the socket. She's still trying to figure out how this squirrel swallowed a tennis ball. And why it never runs away:


I've been curious about this Tom Brady fellow. Everyone says he is SOOOO handsome but surely he can't top this. (Also--I hear he dates a Gazelle. I'm sure she's got nothin' on my Sam. Or Randi. Or Sophie. They'd make her look like a CAT.)


Since it is a football game I have to be all testosteroney (this is what I have learned from Under Armor ads). So I've been working on my tuffness by attacking my cow. She moooooooos.


Do I look as tuff as a linebacker? What if I grunt?



Since my sissy and I were tied up with our social obligations my ma ape decided to do a little cooking. She made some sort of pie.


But it was a savory pie! Kasha/Kraut pie with Phyllo Dough and Dill/Horseradish Sour "Cream." Oh sounds tasty. And it was! (Tastier than these pictures would let on anyway).


And my ma ape was inspired by Gus's Mexican buffet that she decided to make her own. She made Wally Tamales (spicy!) and Yuca and Vegetable Etheldillas. I love Dogamole so I was glad she made that, too.


It was so tasty and I'm so full that I might just roll into bed.


(As an Eagles fan I never thought I'd say this but Go Giants!)

Puppies in Bowls!

This afternoon Animal Planet will be playing Puppy Bowl which combines two of my favorite things. Puppies. And bowls. And usually puppies IN bowls. It will be great. My ma ape says she will be rooting for the Cardigan corgi puppy (like my ladies at the corgi lounge!) but I know the truth is she roots for the puppies she thinks I might have looked like when I was just a wee pup.