Diet Plan TAKE TWO!

There was a great deal of interest in my workout plan with some suspicion about why I employed a fitness model (Blu) to do the leaping.  I would like to give some assurances that I am, in fact, quite a fit fellow even if my ma ape has to help me up and down the stairs from time to time.  So here is more insight into the routine of a great athlete.  

It involves a great deal of dietary discretion eating a regular diet of tasty meatables and bones with great vigor.  I'm pretty I burn as many calories as I consume while I masticate on my bonables.

An athlete must also be well-hydrated.  Here I am engaged in a drinking competition with my brudder. 

And now I will show you that I can indeed jump.

Look at that air I can get!

I also lead group exercise sessions!

My profile can be quite misleading about the efficacy of my exercise program, distorted by my MASSIVE brain/head.

Look at this well whittled waist!

Indeed, the other day I was so cold because of my lack of body fat that I had to be wrapped in my lovely Strawberry Shortcake blanket (actually Ethel's, given by Grammie!) And then I had to let the little man get on top of me for warmth!


And now Oscar and Edgrr would like to share some of their Stringbean Skinny Secrets.

This is a cardio routine our ape refers to as EXERCISING HER PATIENCE!

To really get the effect of this make sure you crank up this song while also barking and growling and full volume.

JAM OUT!

Help me, please!

Oh no. Someone please help. You see I am so sapped of strength that all I can do is nap in a series of adorable poses.


I can barely keep my eyes open.

Here is why. LOOK AT MY WEIGHT!!!!


My ma ape says that this is a Type O but I see nothing about my blood type, only a weight that is DANGEROUSLY LOW and OBVIOUSLY ACCURATE. I will take all donations in food form. (Meats preferred but not necessary.) And I will take offers from Angelina Jolie to adopt me. I hear she feeds her kids junk food.

Wally at the V-E-T!

I had to go to the V-E-T yesterday so he could draw my blood (supposedly for tests to make sure my Pemobendan is not hurting my kidneys but I know it is for cloning purposes!!!!) and to collect my wee which I thought was a little weird but whatever floats their boat. They also had to check my blood pressure which has returned to normal in spite of me having to live with the peppy sheppys.

You can see how excited I am about being at the V-E-T even though they shower me with attention and Ms. Sheree came out just to give me a hug and a kiss.

And while this was just a check-up I did receive really horrible, terrible, awful news:

My weight is dropping precipitously. Like .1 pounds in the last two weeks! My goodness. I believe that I suffer from a condition called "My Ma Ape is starving me TO DEATH." The vet ORDERED her to get three T-Bone steaks and apply them directly to my food bowl. She has not yet complied with the doctor's orders.


I hope I do not faint again from the hunger. Oh, the hunger!

We did get marrow bones when I got home. But mine was the smallest. I'm still hungry.

Send help immediately.

Even Monkeys Get the Blues

Look at these chunky monkeys. They have to go on a diet.



Though I'm a little confused. I am so obviously not three times my normal weight. Why am I on a diet??? And how do I get tourists to visit me and feed me tasty snacks???

The Biggest Loser!

What do these three things have in common?

1. Mitt ("Rhymes with something else") Romney?
2. The last stitch in my owie that I did not remove myself.
3. That guy on Project Runway who cried all the time.


They're OUT!

While Mitt Romney was QUITTING the Presidential race, I was going to the vet because I had one stitch in that needed to come out.

Who is that waiting patiently in the Feminine Mystique?


Wally Tamale!


Do I look different? Here I am on the scale.


And LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!

I lost weight! AAAAND my ma ape said the scale wasn't even zeroed so I might be SKINNIER!


This calls for a celebration! SURF AND TURF, PLEASE!

Meaty Matters

My ma ape showed me this article called "Rethinking the Meat Guzzler" in the New York Times. I was VERY excited because I thought "meat guzzling! I could be eating meat without chewing? That will save me a lot of time." Turns out it's about how our meat producing processes are not very efficient and use a lot of energy. If everyone reduced their meat consumption by 20% it would be the energy-saving equivalent to everyone driving a Prius (one of those hybrid cars). I told my ma ape that I am already meat efficient because I eat meat but I don't let her eat meat. But she convinced me that if I want to do my part I should cut my meat consumption by 20%. Being a civic minded guy I agreed to cut back on the meatable eatables.

And then this morning I woke up and realized; she just tricked me into going back on my diet. I've been had, my friends. I've had the wool pulled over my eyes. Duped. Bamboozled. Hoodwinked. And by my own ape.

bUSTeD!

wHY is MR ON A DIET EATING A WIZZLER? I'm JUST SAYIN!

-ETHELLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!

Diet Diary: Day Two

The diet continues. See how happy I am?


I am so hungry I have been reduced to eating grass!


This morning I ate so much grass I barfed two times. I asked my ma ape if I developed an eating disorder if she'd give me more food. She rolled her eyes at me.

So I'm working out. Some jumping.


And jogging.

I hope I don't pass out from the hunger.

Diet Diary: Day One

Day One: Mad with the hunger. Ate venison and chicken, both on my diet. Begged for sammiches. Got none. Must not be on diet.

I think I can hear my stomach rumbling.

No, that was just a gas. Since released from captivity.

The Vet Maligned Me!

OK, I am back from yet another stupid trip to the stupid vet. (Though the vet techs are like the smartest people ever because they give me snacks and call me the cutest dog ever. So true, so true). And the Brat Pack demanded an update! I am really really mad. Here's the verdict:

1) I have a wee pink lump on my chest that looks benign but they're going to take it off just in case. It is small enough that I won't have to be put under which is good because (see #3 below).
2) My vampiric ma ape made them draw blood to run tests. More on that when I get results back.
3) My heart is doing a-ok! A couple of years ago I decided to terrify my ma ape by developing heart problems, specifically a really abnormal rhythm and a murmur. I had to have an ultrasound and they shaved part of my chest which really harshed my manly vibe. Anyway, my murmur is still a 1 out of 6 (the rest of me is a 10 out of 10, my vet assured me!) and my rhythm was normal. So my ticker is still goin' strong.
4) The physical exam didn't show any signs of pain or stiffness in my joints (or more than previously) and the vet said he didn't think I need meds at this point, particularly since earlier today I totally kicked some sissy butt at a little game we call "rampage around the living room chasing each other and pretending to eat each others' heads."
5) My ma ape had really been worried because I have had anxiety at night. I am restless, I pace, and I whine until she pets me and/or gets down on the ground with me. The vet thought it was in my head rather than anything physical. 1) my arfritis is not worse so it is unlikely I am in pain (also I am one rampaging beast during the day) 2) there is no obvious physical problem and I appear to be perfectly healthy 3) I have no other signs of Alzheimers (my ma ape is another story. Ask her how she peeled two different bananas for lunch today) 4) I do have a history of anxiety. So--the vet thinks I probably am having anxiety about upheaval in our house. Specifically, when my sissy was hurt. I'm kind of an empathetic dude (sensitive new age guy, you might say). So if it doesn't get better over the next two weeks (and I was pretty nice last night) then I have to go back.

Here's the part that MADE MY BLOOD BOIL

6) According to the vet's scale I have gained FIVE POUNDS! And my ma ape said the "D" word--DIET! The scale is so obviously BROKEN and it probably was supposed to say 38 pounds and not 48 pounds. And the vet LAUGHED when my ma ape referred to my "Christmas Chunk." OK that is totally not professional.

So that's what happened. Nothing exciting! Except that afterward we went and got venison which is totally on my diet.