The Vet Maligned Me!

OK, I am back from yet another stupid trip to the stupid vet. (Though the vet techs are like the smartest people ever because they give me snacks and call me the cutest dog ever. So true, so true). And the Brat Pack demanded an update! I am really really mad. Here's the verdict:

1) I have a wee pink lump on my chest that looks benign but they're going to take it off just in case. It is small enough that I won't have to be put under which is good because (see #3 below).
2) My vampiric ma ape made them draw blood to run tests. More on that when I get results back.
3) My heart is doing a-ok! A couple of years ago I decided to terrify my ma ape by developing heart problems, specifically a really abnormal rhythm and a murmur. I had to have an ultrasound and they shaved part of my chest which really harshed my manly vibe. Anyway, my murmur is still a 1 out of 6 (the rest of me is a 10 out of 10, my vet assured me!) and my rhythm was normal. So my ticker is still goin' strong.
4) The physical exam didn't show any signs of pain or stiffness in my joints (or more than previously) and the vet said he didn't think I need meds at this point, particularly since earlier today I totally kicked some sissy butt at a little game we call "rampage around the living room chasing each other and pretending to eat each others' heads."
5) My ma ape had really been worried because I have had anxiety at night. I am restless, I pace, and I whine until she pets me and/or gets down on the ground with me. The vet thought it was in my head rather than anything physical. 1) my arfritis is not worse so it is unlikely I am in pain (also I am one rampaging beast during the day) 2) there is no obvious physical problem and I appear to be perfectly healthy 3) I have no other signs of Alzheimers (my ma ape is another story. Ask her how she peeled two different bananas for lunch today) 4) I do have a history of anxiety. So--the vet thinks I probably am having anxiety about upheaval in our house. Specifically, when my sissy was hurt. I'm kind of an empathetic dude (sensitive new age guy, you might say). So if it doesn't get better over the next two weeks (and I was pretty nice last night) then I have to go back.

Here's the part that MADE MY BLOOD BOIL

6) According to the vet's scale I have gained FIVE POUNDS! And my ma ape said the "D" word--DIET! The scale is so obviously BROKEN and it probably was supposed to say 38 pounds and not 48 pounds. And the vet LAUGHED when my ma ape referred to my "Christmas Chunk." OK that is totally not professional.

So that's what happened. Nothing exciting! Except that afterward we went and got venison which is totally on my diet.