Friday, February 03, 2006
puppies caught smuggling heroin. don't tell the dea, but i currently am smuggling about 2 cups of pilfered dog food in my belly.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
a true athlete
while i am preparing for the super bowl this weekend i would like to pause and congratulate a true athlete, my good buddy amy m who has qualified for the olympics! she will knit herself into infamy with her socks. don't forget us, the little people/animals (and that's not a crack about my height)!
yes, we're smarter than you.
shout out to my buddy rex, former bomb-sniffer, who found a handy way to skip out of military duty. he got to attend the state of the union address and, according to salon, had the appropriate response, though i myself might have taken the opportunity to relieve myself on the republican leadership, too:
Up in the bleachers, a few rows behind first lady Laura Bush, a single member of the audience decided to lie down throughout the speech. Rex, the bomb-sniffing dog, earned an invitation because his handler, Sgt. Jamie Dana, had survived an improvised explosive device in Iraq. Rex, who lay next to Dana, was meant to represent the enduring bonds that survive the horrors of war. But by all appearances, the dog wasn't particularly taken by the symbolism or the speech. It was a pose that seemed somehow wise in retrospect.
i'm so glad that representative roach of washington state has decided to tackle the greatest social problem of our time: bestiality. the law was inspired by an incident in which a man died while, um, expressing his love for a horse. at any rate it's about time that someone recognize this, the greatest threat to animals. i myself frequently worry about being sodomized while out on walks or becoming an internet web cam star against my will. seriously, this is clearly a much greater epidemic than the millions of homeless dogs and goddamn cats put to sleep each year. or the thousands of dogs physically abused or neglected. it's a darn tootin' good thing that the sexual abuse of an animal will now be a felony while you can leave your dog for dead outside, allow it to starve to death, or kick it around occasionally and recieve considerably less punishment and probably no jail time. thank goodness some one is addressing the real problem facing animals today.
project much, naked apes?
Monday, January 30, 2006
alternatives to the state of the union
1o+1 things i'll be doing instead of watching the state of the union address.
1. search petfinder for hot dogs.
2. scavenge the carpet for errant crumbs.
3. write the new network the cw with my program pitches (like: wally's guide to football, wally cooks eggs, wally's home makeover: the dog fur decoration edition and, well, you get the idea)
4. fall asleep counting recent repuglican indictments
5. write the irs to argue dogs should count as a deduction and children should be seen and herded
7. greenies greenies!
8. writing my memoir, sending my mugshots to the smoking gun to save time.
9. trying to get my picture on salon's video dog.
10. writing crank letters to my granny's congressional representative addressing him as the honorable rep. fartinberry.
11. cruising dogster
i am still waiting on a super bowl bet from my onkel eric who is probably stalling because he knows the squeelers don't stand a chance against the seasquawks.
in the meantime i am taking wagers on this weekend's other major sporting event--the second annual animal planet puppy bowl! (i must warn you if you click this link and watch the preview, i am not responsible for any cuteness overdoses you may experience). if i were a betting dog, and i am, i would say that domino, belle, and badger all have good shots, though in the previews barry seems to be having a good time, too.
i am, however, going to contact the parent's television council about the obscene halftime show animal planet has opted to show--a kitty bowl??? that sounds like crap they'd watch in pittsburgh!