Thursday, August 18, 2005

t.o. and other really important things

since everyone else in the philly area (and maybe the world) has been blathering nonstop on the t.o. situation i guess i'd better comment to give some wise guidance. frankly, i don't give that much of a damn. i do like football (especially super bowl snacks) and the nightly news footage of t.o. doing sit-ups on his law is hilarous but really now, it's not like he plays for the cornhuskers.

i'm also really damn sick of listening to blowhards expound on the meritocracy of american professional sports where if you work hard you can get ahead and live the american dream of being really rich and ogling cheerleaders close-up. but if a player happens to make the claim that his market value exceeds his current paycheck, he's a greedy bastard? let's face it--last year the beagles made it to the superbowl, they sold oodles more merchandise and the franchise upped its value. t.o., broken leg and all, had something to do with that. like a good capitalist, he realizes his exchange value has increased and he wants a little of that surplus. there are greedy bastards in sports but most of them couldn't score a touchdown if you invited them down from their skyboxes and offered to hold their fur coats.

it's not like i really care but please just sign him so the beagles are really good next year and so the local news can get back to covering what it does best--sensationalist crimes and car chases. also, i want to have another superbowl party with snacks. football snacks are the greatest.

ps. get better correll buckhalter. go big red!

NOW you get it.

a new survey shows that most of the country doesn't like bush, just eight months AFTER the damn elections.

as they summarize in salon:

The president gets a net positive approval rating -- that is, a poll result in which more respondents approve of his job performance than disapprove -- in just 10 states: Idaho, Wyoming, Utah, Nebraska, Texas, Alabama, North Dakota, Montana, Oklahoma and Mississippi. In two other states -- Louisiana and North Carolina -- respondents are divided evenly on their president.

The other 38 states? Not so good for Bush. They don't approve of him just a little bit in Indiana and Alaska, and they don't like him much at all in Rhode Island, where respondents say they disapprove of the president's job performance by a margin of 68 to 29 percent. Rounding out the bottom five: Massachusetts, Vermont, Delaware and California.

If poll results equaled Electoral College votes, Bush would have about 75 of them right now. It takes 270 to win.

i'm quite disappointed in my adopted home state of nebraska (shout out to my granny!). i'd like to think that your catastrophic coaching changes and subsequent crap football team (seriously? 5-5?) are just karmic repayment for helping to inflict dubya on the rest of us. i still love my hooskers but really, nebraska, you can do better. also, that new tv show with tommy lee is awful. and i'm not known for my good taste. seriously, when the plagues of locusts come maybe you'll get it. i guess that's not really funny in a farming state.

on the brighter side, my new home state (the first state!) is adamantly anti-bush. seriously--orwell was right--four legs good, two legs bad. i pee on bushes. and coach callahans. that last part is me, not orwell.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

pets for popes

i KNEW it! that dodgy new pope is a cat lover. you can even buy a cardinal hat for your cat, apparently. i knew that there was something other than his archconservative theology, his heterosexism, and his sexism that bothered me. ewww. goddamn cats.

but what's up with the rule of no pets for clergymen? i suspect that the restriction on pet ownership, more than the vow of chastity, or rick santorum's belief that MIT is the culprit, is to blame for the church's woes from the sex abuse scandal to declining membership.

reading this article i did learn that italy considers cats and dogs to be "free citizens," meaning that the state runs shelters that are responsible for spaying and neutering stray animals but then allows them to roam free; it's actually illegal to euthanize a healthy dog or cat. i understand with feral dogs and cats since they probably are unadoptable (and, the article notes, they control rats to boot!) but i wonder about domesticated dogs and cats? do shelters adopt some out or are they let go? i hope the roamin' Romans don't wind up starving to death. having once been homeless i know that dumpster diving is not a fun way to live, though i still occasionally root through the garbage to harken back to harder times. i'm intrigued by free citizenship for animals. i've long advocated full citizenship for dogs including full voting rights because we couldn't bungle it any worse than you naked apes.

gonzo goodbyes

hunter thompson is getting blasted out of a cannon soon. for better or worse, he really was a precursor to bloggers, making the observer a, if not the, central part of the story. just like my blog is all about ME (and occasionally about my dislike of goddamn cats). supposedly, "gonzo" is actually boston irish slang for the "winner" of a drinking marathon.

i find it odd that many of the mainstream news articles about thompson omit that the double-thumbed fist that was thompson's emblem omit the fact that the fist is gripping a peyote button. i guess that would interfere with the coverage of him as a semi-reputable journalist, eh?

completely unrelated, a guy in norway launched a 45-foot viking ship made of wooden ice cream sticks. and you thought dogs wasted time chasing their tails. i think the naked apes win the prize for senseless uses of time and resources.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

cats. still can't trust 'em.

i always say--never trust a finicky eater. according to scientists (who never make mistakes), cats don't have the proteins necessary to taste sweets. no wonder they're cranky all the time.

oh, and earlier when i blogged that cats were named the most extreme killers i neglected to mention that one of the reasons is because they are a rare animal that kills FOR FUN, not for food or praise or any reason other than their own sadistic urges. sure, i feel for them that they will never know the joys of frosty paws or cinnabonbons but that's pretty sick. i've been known to mime killing my squeakies (including my george bush squeaky which doesn't squeak/scream nearly loud enough when i bite it) but i don't get my jollies doing the real thing.

also, when have you heard about a cat doing this for their naked ape?

animal behavior

Wally is a Seal
Originally uploaded by cerasmus.
this is yet another picture of me swimming, just one of several fascinating behaviors i have manifested this summer. i never used to swim. i was a wader who rarely got far enough out to get more than my belly wet. one time, when i was living in seattle, my mawma tried to lure me out into lake washington by wading out with me and i cried as if she was sending me to abu ghraib, embarassing her terribly as everyone stared at her as if she were beating me with my own food bowl. then, one day in july, i hopped into the water and swam after my friend mocha who was headed to the middle of the pond. so, my naked apes wonder, did i always know how to swim and needed proper motivation (my mad love for mocha?)? did i not know i could swim but my desire to catch mocha overwhelmed my fear?

but an even greater mystery is my rather clever chameleon-like personality in which my public persona is not always in line with my private actions. they should have suspected since, when they brought me home, i was initially a mild-mannered, quiet, and sweet little guy. i fell asleep in the car ride 5 minutes after driving away from my foster home/rescue, a laid-back little sweetie. now, the first thing i did when i got home was try to hump morgan but, other than that, i was cool as a cucumber. now, over time i have manifested other behaviors--like tail-pulling, rampaging, and so on. the beast within has emerged.

so my mawma was rather shocked when the vet tech described my behavior at the vet's office. she said i am the sweetest, most mild-mannered dog who just wants to snuggle. at home i'm sometimes a snuggler but i can also be noisy, boisterous, and a little wild. and at the dog park? i'm no shrinking violet.

but the greatest jeckyll and hyde act is at obedience class. my mawma thought i was going to be a big embarassment at class because she thought i would completely ignore her. and she had good reason for thinking that; when she tried to teach me "stay," "come" and "down" i would stonewall, occasionally conceding after much goading and snacking. but in class i am the star pupil. no one sits, heels, downs, and generally act like a well-oiled machine--or at least one of those weird obedience trial dogs--than me. but when we go home? i feign deafness, wander away or perform reluctantly.

so what explains this? i might just be manipulative--knowing when and where i get the most attention for what behavior. the noisy, obnoxious dogs end up in cages at the vet while being sweet and mild lets me stay out with the vet techs who think i'm so sweet they take me out to the front desk to hang out with them. morgan used to struggle against the vet and had to wear a muzzle and be restrained. i'm cooperative and get the gentle treatment. on the other hand, i might be responding to modifications in my naked apes' behavior. for instance, my mawma might also be eager to please (or at least not be embarassed) at obedience class so she's more enthusiastic and free with the treats than she is at home. maybe i've gotten more comfortable at home so i push the envelope, learning whether stampeding around the house with mawma's sock will get me a scolding or a hearty laugh. or maybe, as my naked apes have gotten more comfortable with me, they're a bit less strict, knowing that i'm mostly well-behaved so sock-killing is not going to turn into shoe-chewing.

so is the interesting animal behavior here MINE or my naked apes's? or is the fascinating beast what is happening in between us? am i just the naughtiest dog on the net?

Monday, August 15, 2005

those classy frogs

the french are up to their usual silliness, this time with a pig festival that includes a Pig-Squealing competition. it sounds like a good time:

Besides the pig-squealing, there were awards in the Sunday competition for pigging out -- this year's winner ate 1.2 meters (nearly 4 feet) of blood sausage in under five minutes -- and heavy gambling on the final eight-piglet race.

i know what i'm doing for MY vacation next year. and i mean the blood sausage competition--no snotty comments about my place in the eight-piglet race. but i would kick those pigs's butts if i tried.

i was a little weirded out by this, though:

Stepping up to the microphone in hastily improvised pig outfits -- the decision to enter the competition had been taken only the night before -- the Roussels let rip with a chorus of uncannily realistic squeals, grunts and snuffles before the 500-strong audience, topped with a delicately choreographed courtship scene.

so, in addition to pigging out (bad pun intended) on pork, they also dress up like pigs? and pretend to be pigs mating? now that crosses a line. i wonder if they see anything odd in celebrating pig agriculture which--i know from watching babe 300 times---is about mass producing dead pig meat for naked apes, by pretending to BE pigs? wow, you naked apes are crazy. and not just the french ones.

wally loves (some) apes

Wally Sleeps on Ape
Originally uploaded by cerasmus.
here i am with my new squeaky orange-tang. i got my stitches out today and my vet told me i am the best dog EVER so i got to go to the pet store to pick out a new toy. naturally, i picked out the biggest toy and the tastiest snacks (bully sticks!) to enjoy. i love hairy apes. i have four ape toys now and counting.

lest you think my goodwill toward apes extends to you naked apes, i came across THIS story today:

Paris dumps her littlest friend: Celebrity breakups are always hard, even more so when the one getting left behind can't possibly tell her side of the story to some glossy magazine. Paris Hilton has decided she needs someone younger, so is dumping her once-minuscule Chihuahua Tinkerbell for an even smaller dog named Bambi. Paris insists that it's only because Tink has some sharing issues: "I still have Tinkerbell and I love her, too, but she gets jealous and she bites him when I'm holding both of them." But a friend told New York magazine that she "only likes them when they're very small, and Tinkerbell got too big." The whole thing might actually be the fault of Paris' bad parenting -- a dog breeder familiar with teacup Chihuahuas says, "Tinkerbell is at the larger end of the teacups. Usually, they won't go over 3.5 pounds, but if you fix them or feed them junk ..."

i love reading about my fellow canines in the news and, while i sometimes question whether these little toy dogs are really dogs or just highly evolved rats, this really makes me MAD. rampaging mad. rumor has it she only wanted a dog that fit in her fendi bag. i hope her new dog poops in her bag that costs more than rescuing two dozen dogs. just saying. man is NOT the rational animal. but i can sleep at night remembering that in non-monetary terms i'm worth at least a hundred paris hiltons.

am i a beer model?

Fat Dog Ale
Originally uploaded by cerasmus.
recently, some family members came across this beer. as you can see, the dog on the label bears a striking resemblance to yours truly. the unflattering description, however, leads me to think it is probably not me. mine might be "stoudt's genius dog ale" or "stoudt's smarter than a naked ape ale." or maybe "stoudt's greatest dog that ever lived so you probably shouldn't be drinking his beer." but i think they already make that beer and they call it arrogant bastard ale.

if this is me i want royalties, fat or not.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

more evidence

Wally Swims!
Originally uploaded by cerasmus.
since dr. glenn is such a positivist, and his goddamn cats probably heighten his skepticism, here's a long shot that shows how far i swim! hey--it's more evidence than they had of wmds!


Wally Catches Mocha
Originally uploaded by cerasmus.
oh ye of little faith (glenn)--here is photographic evidence of me swimming. i'm chasing my BEST FRIEND mocha. he screams when he fetches which i know means he'd like me to rescue him. that's why i grab his tail and try to grab his toy. and i have plenty more pictures to prove that i am the dog world's michael phelps but with fewer duis.

Burp Day!

Wally Eats Frosty Paws
Originally uploaded by cerasmus.
it's my burpday. some of you may recall i had a birthday in February, the date when i was adopted. It's actually my mawma's birthday but once I overheard my other naked ape refer to it as "our birthday" and I have taken it to heart. It's OUR burpday! here I am eating Frosty Paws for mawma's burpday after a refreshing morning at the park. my mawma is about four in dog years making her younger than me (probably). therefore, I'm her elder and she should stop trying to make me obey her. she's much better at obeying me when i ask for eggs for breakfast or frosty paws. good mawma!