Saturday, May 26, 2007

Grim Noah's Ark.

My granny read this story in the Guardian--yeesh!

Endangered, hunted, smuggled and now abandoned, 5,000 of the world's rarest animals have been found drifting in a deserted boat near the coast of China.

The pangolins, Asian giant turtles and lizards were crushed inside crates on a rickety wooden vessel that had lost engine power off Qingzhou island in the southern province of Guangdong. Most were alive, though the cargo also contained 21 bear paws wrapped in newspaper.

According to conservation groups, the haul was discovered on one of the world's most lucrative and destructive smuggling routes: from the threatened jungles of south-east Asia to the restaurant tables of southern China.

According to the local media, the cargo included 31 pangolins, 44 leatherback turtles, 2,720 monitor lizards, 1,130 Brazilian turtles as well as the bear paws. Photographs showed other animals, including an Asian giant turtle.

That thing up above is a pangolin. That doesn't look so tasty to me. I hope the naked apes never get a taste for one of the rarest delicacies--the CORGADOR. I have to refrain from eating myself while I'm cleaning my paws because I'm so tasty.

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Oh is my sissy is trouble. And if it wasn't so hot and I felt like getting up from the linoleum floor, she'd be in BIG TROUBLE. And I must warn her, my friend Professor Tealeaf of Lurcher University has been busy adapting basset extenders for my legs. And when I can look Ethel in the eye--she is in TROUBLE. No one makes it out of a Wally stare-down in one piece.

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Friday, May 25, 2007

8 Things Game (part 2: Wally edition)

I've been tagged!

Here are 8 things about me:

1. My history is a well kept secret that may involve the british royal family engaging in a crazy experiement with their corgis and labs. I may have spent some time working for the cia (canine intelligence agency) twarting the plans of goddamn cats attempting to rule the world and make us spend our days chasing laser dots on the floor and scratching on the furniture. I may also have been a member of the Seattle Mariners lineup that set the record for most wins in a single season in 2001. I may also have been a member of an ABBA tribute band, wearing a sparkly white pantsuit and singing Fernando. But my lips are sealed.

2. When I was adopted they thought I was a chowgi because my tail is curly but that has since been replaced by lab speculation (hence, corgador!). Many corgi mixes have the high tail that curls over their back. I found out from my friend Jackson this is called a "gay tail"

3. i have traveled from coast to coast and we have pictures of me pottying in all the states we went through. my ma ape's favorite is me peeing on the "welcome to iowa" sign.

4. I go crazy for dogs with high pitched voices. i have a best friend named mocha and when we are separated at the park we scream at each other and everyone stares and asks "what's wrong with her."

5. I herd other dogs (especially labs) by pulling their tails but I can't go to the dog park anymore because since I hurt my back i'm a total bastard and i get all bossy with the other dogs. especially the big ones. I have particular animosity for dalmatians (sorry, dot) and rottenweilers (sorry half? of sherman)

6. My favorite tv shows are curb your enthusiasm, king of the hill (bobby hill might be the other celebrity i most resemble), barking mad, rome, the colbert report, powerpuff girls, and victoria beckham's unnamed reality show. i am currently reading a book called rousseau's dog.

7. I didn't get neutered until i was picked up by the shelter in yakima, wa. I was probably 5-8 years old by then so i probably have loads of baby mama drama. good thing I moved across the country!

8. I am a published author! My work appears in "adoption stories" published by the northeast nebraska animal shelter.

I'm going to tag: Marvin, ernest (who lives in my old stomping grounds and keeps up the awesome normal legged dog quota), Ruby Blue and those Dogs of Jackman Ave.

HaHA he lefT the computer ALONE so I"M GOING TO TELL YOu about my brother WALLY:

1. he is afraid of lots of things and is a total mama's boy!
2. he is a girly boy and does the DISHES. like he cleans mine when i'm done.
3. he is totally FAT and wants to eat ALL THE TIME
4. my brother loves britney spears and has seen her true hollywood story a billion times and loves to shake his booty to her songs and he thinks that one song is goes "i'm a slave for poo!"
5. he talks about his poo all the time.
6. i caught a deer once.
7. before we started going homecooked he ate DIET DOG FOOD. HAhahaHA.
8. he doesn't have any legs. i think he's just fat body and feets.
9. i love him and always have his back.

bYE ethEL

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Tag: 8 Things About Me

I got tagged by my friend Scubee the Wienerblab and we have to share 8 things about us that dogbloggers don't know. Whew! I'm going to split this into two posts and let my sissy go first. She has to 1) tell us 8 things about herself 2) tag 4 other bloggers (it's supposed to be 8 but that's 16 between the two of us!)

8 Things about ME (bye eThel.)

2. I also LovE tenniS Balls
3. I caught a DEERS

Ok, sorry. My sissy obviously does not understand the point of 8 things you DON'T already know about here. So here I go. 8 Things about my sissy Ethel that you may not know.

1. She is from Maryland. She came from near the place where the NYT treasonously revealed that the Rumsfelds n' Cheneys have summer homes. My sissy claims, though I have no independent verification of this, that she may have actually been the Rummy's dog and ran away at the first opportunity, thus how she ended up in the shelter. Before she left, though, she left nice stinky poos in his shoes, leading to his firing, er, resignation from the Cabinet after Condi complained at Cabinet meetings "Who smells like poo!"

2. Her favorite book is Skinny Legs and All by Tom Robbins. Not that she can read, she just thinks it's about her from the title. (I can TWO rEad! I erad your stoooopid blog and I wrote a pome for MaxyV!--Ethel.)

3. My sissy peed in the house the day after we brought her home when I started rampaging with my toys. She is no longer incontinent when she sees me having fun.

4. She has a really high-pitched funny bark that she does when excited. She also howls soprano if I am singing.

5. Her favorite TV shows are baseball, the Simpsons (she likes Santa's Little Helper), Man vs. Animal, Victoria Beckham's Unamed Reality Show, Sportscenter, Project Runway, America's Next Top Model. Anything with long-legged characters.

6. My sissy think she's a lapdog and if your naked apes were to ever meet her she would try to sit on them.

7. My sissy has been spayed TWICE. When she was at the shelter they opened her up and her bits were already gone! Hahahahahaha!

8. My sissy is so busy she can't be bothered to stop to potty so she walk-squats while she goes leaving a trail behind her.

Ethel is tagging MaxyV, Tadpole AND Tadpole's Mean Sis Fig, and Maggie.

eThel sez: SISSIES ARE NVER MEEN! Who hogs the good dogbed and doesnt let me play with the stuffees? NOT SISSY!

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I'm working out some anger. I've been deleting some comments from people (yeah--who let people onto blogger anyway?) who are making comments on my blog in order to shill their products. Thanks for telling me that my blog post about how fast I eat Frosty Paws is "very knowledgeable as well as informative" but I don't want your damn anti-bark collar! If my friends want to suggest, say, a tasty treat or a new toy that's fine but go away you stupid advertisers. This is dogspace!


Thursday, May 24, 2007

Sibling Love

My ma ape gets all bleary-eyed about this ad. This will be what it's like when I get my mini-me, Onyx the corgador (see below)! Except I'll share my big ass (and I don't mean my sissy!) The boys will Rule the Roost!

Petsmart commercial

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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

It's ME! Only different.

Yes, this dog, Onyx, is quite handsome but is not ME. Can you believe it? He's a corgador for adoption in Maryland. I need it! He could join my dog/hairy ape alliance to overthrow the naked apes! I would raise him as my own!

And listen to his description:

Onyx is an adorable 11 month old Corgi mix with a sense of humor. He is playful and fun loving and thinks he is one of the big dogs! Neutered, housetrained, UTD on everything. Loves kids, dogs, and other pets.

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More Celebrity Tags

I tagged Boomer, Tadpole and the Brat Pack! Since there are so many in the Five Happy Hounds I thought I would give them a head start. I think my girl Sa-man-tha looks like Mae West. Look at the bedroom eyes! Grrrrrrrrrrrrufff!

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Famous Faces

Ike tagged us! He wants me to post what faaaamous celebs we look like. Here we go:

I have long been told that I bear a striking resemblance to British PM Winston Churchill. You can see it below where I am speechifying in an undoubtedly inspirational way.

I have also been told I look like a Hobbit, perhaps because of my eating habits. Wait. Do historical figures and fictional characters count as celebrities? Because I can't think of any living celebrities who match my charm, wit, and dangerous good looks (thanks, Sophie Brador!)

I've always maintained my sissy has a close resemblance to Kate Moss. They are both skinny and note my sissy's eyes at half mast. I can't confirm any illegal substances that might have contributed to her being half-cocked but here you go:

Really? Nelson Mandela's house? Weird.

If we were Spice Girls my sissy would be Posh:

I am torn--I might be Scary but I might also be Sporty. You know, the ones with talent. But I'm built a bit like Baby (and I'm told I can be a big baby at times.) I'll have to think about this. And don't pretend you don't sit around contemplating which Spice Girl YOU are.

Now I gotta go tag some dogs who haven't already been tagged!


Oh no! Gonzo Cats!

My onkel Eric sent me this LOLCat. Oh my dog. They're reading Hunter Thompson. Dog help us all of they ever get guns. And acid.

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Monday, May 21, 2007

The Author Speaks

My last lyrical work inspired some questions, real and imagined, that I will answer now:

Q: Doesn't your sissy get Frosty Paws?
A: Yes. But she eats them slowly and methodically and is not nearly as photogenic when she eats.

Q: Do your sissy's feet really stink?
A: Only if she steps in, erm, recycled Frosty Paw in the yard.

Q: Are those homemade Frosty Paws?
A: Sadly no. These were the last of the commercial Paws in the freezer. From here on out it's homecookin'!

Q: Why are you so devastatingly handsome?
A: Born this way.

Q: Will you celebrate Victoria Day even though you are not Canadian?
A: If the celebration involves food then hell yes, eh!

Q: Where can I get a big ass?
A: Dunno--mine adopted me! HAHA!

Q: Aren't artists supposed to be starving?
A: Suffering for your art is so mid-20th century.

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Frosty Paw in Verse

I wrote a poem for one of my greatest loves. The frosty paw.

With summertime comes the hunger
Pink tongue awakes from its slumber

Mouth unhinges ready to bite
Sweet treat colored white

Single-minded dog wants only to eat
Not even distracted by smelly sissy feet

The chill of the paw
The thrill of the jaw
The drool flows in streams
The dog's eye gleams

Then gulp the paw disappears
Leaving nothing but brain freeze it appears

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Sunday, May 20, 2007

Dog Days

Since my sissy and I nearly caught a deer last weekend we have had to stick to leashed walks and other BO-RING things. So I've found ways to amuse myself.

Here I am "roaching" as the lurchers call it.

And I play tug with my big ass.

His ears are perfect for pulling. I would show you a video with audio but my growling has been known to terrorize even the bravest of dogs.

I also played with the froggy. I gave him a buttectomy just like pastel hedgie! I tore holes in their bums and surgically removed their squeakies. I mean, SOMEBODY must have done that. If you didn't see me do it you have no proof. (Shut up sissy!)

And I rampaged around the house. Look how fast I am--the camera can barely capture me!

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