SPCA Saturday (The MIght As Well Name Us Apple Edition)

Well hellooooo, this is Ja-Rule here bringing you SPCA Saturday. Yes, my name is Ja-Rule. Let us not speak of it again.

I am going to introduce you to some friends. You will not get to meet Storm & Sweet Pea from last week because they got adopted! Harooo! Not together but Storm went to a home with a dog so I think he'll be ok. Now, my friends.

This is Mitchell Cookie Face.

And KAI-CHI! Like Tai Chi but, um, not. Yeah, I don't know who is doing the naming but they might need some help.

Kai Chi is interesting. He looks like a Pharoh Hound/Pittie Mix!

And this is Chad, a goofball.

Aaaand, Pretty Boy. Again, yes, his name.

And it's Bad Bad Leroy Dog! Baddest Dog in the Whole Damn Town! Nah, he's a sweetheart.

And this is Nena the Jumping Beana. She is a little high energy.

And more Ja-Rule!

And this fella is Big Blue/Jughead. He's the papa to the pittie pups from a coupla weeks ago. He is a cruelty case and is perhaps the sweetest dog in the world. He had his ears butchered off and someone was really mean to him. He was probably being bred for fighting. Poor Big Blue. But he's the sweetest dog in the world. And, really, when you look at this face and think of fighting? There's something wrong with you.

Big Blue has an adorable bulldog like lumpy body but there are no pictures of it because he spent the whole time crawling on the lady and asking for lovin'. He's a sweet guy and we hope his court case is settled soon so he can finally get the home he needs.

Ja-Rule OUT!

What the?

All right. I want to know right now which one of you got the GOP elephant drunk, leading it to apparently rear up and CRUSH 2008, all while wearing his prison stripes! Maybe if you go to rehab you can have your party and Britney Spears's children back, oh errant pachyderm.

And speaking of rampaging beasts, read this from Ann Coulter:

If we took away women’s right to vote, we’d never have to worry about another Democrat president. It’s kind of a pipe dream, it’s a personal fantasy of mine, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women.

It also makes the point, it is kind of embarrassing, the Democratic Party ought to be hanging its head in shame, that it has so much difficulty getting men to vote for it. I mean, you do see it’s the party of women and “We’ll pay for health care and tuition and day care — and here, what else can we give you, soccer moms?’’

I must confess it saddens me to no end that we dogs continue to be disenfranchised while this woman not only gets to vote but gets a syndicated column. My sissy has emitted gas clouds (see below) that are more intelligent than this gas bag.

This is my look of disapproval. Naked apes, is this all you've got?

Depressing news of the day

My granny sent me this story which made me very, very sad. It's about the number of species creeping closer to extinction, including the naked ape cousins the gorgillas and the orange tangs.

Gorillas, orangutans, and corals are among the plants and animals which are sliding closer to extinction.

The Red List of Threatened Species for 2007 names habitat loss, hunting and climate change among the causes.

The World Conservation Union (IUCN) has identified more than 16,000 species threatened with extinction, while prospects have brightened for only one.

You naked apes should really do something more about this before the planet adds you to the list. Why spare the ugliest apes?

Gonzo is Gone!

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is resigning! The Bush administration is dropping faster than flies around a Turd Blossom. When asked why he was resigning, Gonzales remarked "I do not recall." Oh, I crack myself up.

For those who are not acquainted with Mr. Gonzales, he is the Attorney General and White House Council who referred to the Geneva Conventions as "quaint." And also appears to be suffering from serious memory lapses brought on by testifying in front of Congress. He should get that checked out.

Here I am celebrating in my best cow(boy) outfit and a deflated soccer ball:


And for those of you who are Daily Show/Colbert Report fans--they're on vacation this week! Tee hee! Do you think the timing was deliberate?

An Honorary Title

I have never done this before but I do believe Jon Stewart, in this clip from The Daily Show, has earned the title of Honorary Corgador:

Vick is Sacked!

Michael Vick is making a plea agreement in the dogfighting case.

From the times:

The Associated Press reported this lovely tidbit, that about a dozen Vick No. 7 jerseys have been donated to the Atlanta Humane Society, which uses them for blankets and also to mop up.

Goodbye Turd Blossom!

Karl Rove, aka Turd Blossom, aka "Bush's Brain" (sad, isn't it), is OUTTA HERE. To which I say--fantastic! Now the turds can reclaim their good name. He says he wants to spend more time with his family. Yeah, sure. I smell a SUBPOENA!

Here's a little celebratory roachin' to enjoy the demise of the creature we thought would outlast even the roaches:

Hate your Vick and Eat Him Too

Here's a Michael Vick chew toy! Some of the profits will go to the Jacksonville Humane Society. No word on when you bite it if it says "OVERRATED." Haha!

Raising the Level of Political Discourse

Look! It's Presidential Candidate and Dog Lover Extraordinaire Mitt Romney. I have two questions:

1) How is it that a guy named "Mitt" gets away with making fun of anyone's name (while being bigoted and offensive to boot!)?

2) What does he have against modern art? I think the MOMA is a perfectly lovely art museum (though it's not in Chelsea).

What He Said

Man is the Killer Ape

This is for you Michael Vick.

According to the indictment, dog fights were held at several locations in other parts of Virginia as well as North Carolina, South Carolina, Maryland and New Jersey. The indictment says a purse was set for each fight, ranging from hundreds to thousands of dollars.

The indictment also claims that in the summer of 2002, at various times, Peace, Phillips, Taylor, and Vick performed "testing" sessions at the property in Smithfield. After the testing, the indictment says, dogs that performed poorly were put to death by Peace, Phillips or Taylor. In April 2007, the indictment says, an additional "testing" session was performed by Peace, Phillips, and Vick. Afterward, it claims eight dogs were hanged, drowned and/or slammed to the ground and killed.

I take it back. My poop is too good for you.

Oh Barf (and not the good kind!)*

Some British dude ate CORGI MEATBALLS in protest of Prince Phillip's fox hunting habit. Here's a story about it.

Mixing animal rights activism and the Royals can be a tricky business. But that's what a British performance artist tried to do when he ate part of a Corgi, one of the royal household's favourite animals. He choose one of those little dogs the Queen drags behind her every time she cuts a ribbon at a gallery or corner shop to demonstrate against the RSPCA's failure to prosecute her husband. “I’m raising awareness at the inability of the RSPCA to prosecute Prince Philip and his friends for shooting a fox this year. It was left to fight for life for five minutes then beaten to death.”

Here's another story, should you have a taste (no pun intended) for the macabre. And I'm not one to defend the royals (especially stupid Phillip), or fox hunting, but this is pure jackassery. And the story says that the corgi was not killed for him to eat but did die on a "breeding farm." WHAT?

Now, I feel the need to interject on behalf of my ma ape. She doesn't eat the manimals, either. But she DOES understand the difference between doing something meaningful on behalf of manimals and engaging in stupid, attention-grabbing stunts that have more to do with the naked apes' insatiable need for attention than they have to do with animals. That goes double for you PETA, and your stupid exploitation of women.

*Good barf=Biologically Appropriate Raw Food, barfing after a nice after-dinner snack of grass, barfing on my sissy as a funny joke.

Grim Noah's Ark.

My granny read this story in the Guardian--yeesh!

Endangered, hunted, smuggled and now abandoned, 5,000 of the world's rarest animals have been found drifting in a deserted boat near the coast of China.

The pangolins, Asian giant turtles and lizards were crushed inside crates on a rickety wooden vessel that had lost engine power off Qingzhou island in the southern province of Guangdong. Most were alive, though the cargo also contained 21 bear paws wrapped in newspaper.

According to conservation groups, the haul was discovered on one of the world's most lucrative and destructive smuggling routes: from the threatened jungles of south-east Asia to the restaurant tables of southern China.

According to the local media, the cargo included 31 pangolins, 44 leatherback turtles, 2,720 monitor lizards, 1,130 Brazilian turtles as well as the bear paws. Photographs showed other animals, including an Asian giant turtle.

That thing up above is a pangolin. That doesn't look so tasty to me. I hope the naked apes never get a taste for one of the rarest delicacies--the CORGADOR. I have to refrain from eating myself while I'm cleaning my paws because I'm so tasty.

Grrrrrrr....

I'm working out some anger. I've been deleting some comments from people (yeah--who let people onto blogger anyway?) who are making comments on my blog in order to shill their products. Thanks for telling me that my blog post about how fast I eat Frosty Paws is "very knowledgeable as well as informative" but I don't want your damn anti-bark collar! If my friends want to suggest, say, a tasty treat or a new toy that's fine but go away you stupid advertisers. This is dogspace!

Oh my Dog!

This story might give me nightmares. It's about "Class B" animal dealers who sell animals to labs for experimentation. The house is considering a bill to ban these dealers.

WASHINGTON - It’s the nightmare of pet lovers everywhere: Their beloved Fido or Whiskers gets lost, is scooped up by animal thieves, then sold to be dissected in a university research lab.

The Humane Society of the United States estimates that every year middlemen known as “Class B” animal dealers round up about 18,000 dogs and cats through flea markets and free-to-good-home ads, and then sell them to laboratories and university research labs.

In the process, it says lost pets are rounded up, too.

... An estimated 90,000 dogs and cats are bought by research facilities and veterinary schools each year. The Humane Society estimates that 70 percent comes from breeders, 20 percent come from Class B dealers, and 10 percent come from pounds.

Mission Still Accomplished

Remember this? Four years ago today. Thank goodness that business is behind us, eh?

read with caution

Ugh. this story about dog fighting in russia almost ruined my day.

This event was at once open and partly closed. The fans streamed in. But one Western and three Russian journalists were admitted on condition that the sanitarium’s location not be disclosed, out of fear of vandalism or protests by opponents of the fights. In the Caucasus and in Asia, dog owners said, such precautions are not necessary.

In the ring the fight continued. The dogs tugged each other in tight circles by their snouts and then broke free, snarled and attacked again. Sometimes they rose up, pressing for leverage with forepaws while driving forward on hind legs and seeking a purchase for their bared teeth.

Their handlers crouched beside them, shouting encouragement.

One dog, a reddish-tan shepherd’s dog called Sarbai, took an early advantage. He weighed about 135 pounds, at least 30 pounds more than his foe. “Good boy, Sarbai!” his handler shouted. “Bite him well! Work!”

poor russian doggies.

humans guarding the henhouse

a wildlife blogger posted about a plan by idaho's new governor to engage in a large-scale wolf hunt. now that wolves have benefitted from one of the largest endangered species protection policies, time to get out them shotguns and let 'er rip!

Gov. C.L. "Butch" Otter told The Associated Press that he wants hunters to kill about 550 gray wolves. That would leave about 100 wolves, or 10 packs, according to a population estimate by state wildlife officials.

The 100 surviving wolves would be the minimum before the animals could again be considered endangered.

now, you might say, perhaps there is something reasonable to these claims. in some places in, say, wyoming the wolf population has caused problems for ranchers (for whom i feel only minor sympathy) and, even worse, has had some issues with overpopulation (which has to do in part with human encroachment on their territory). but, no, the idaho situation is not about overpopulation of wolves. it has to do with commercial hunting. wolves, being natural predators, have been killing some of the same things that hunters with their high-powered rifles like to hunt make trophies out of.

Otter complained that wolves are rapidly killing elk and other animals essential to Idaho's multimillion-dollar hunting industry. The hunters, many wearing camouflage clothing and blaze-orange caps, applauded wildly during his comments.

so, this is the genius of the human brain. you screwed up and reduced the wolf population to the point of near extinction. now you find them to be an inconvenience so you wish to reduce their population to a more convenient size (arbitrarily chosen to be right above the limit for qualification for endangered status) that fits better into your commercial schemes. you better hope that we animals never decide to reduce your population down to a more convenient size.

new drug for fat cats, er, dogs

the guvment has just approved the first diet drug for dogs so now americans can extend their national neuroses to their pets!

journalists have not hesitated to report the news and to make ridiculous puns about chubby dogs:



WASHINGTON - Is your hound round? Too much flab on your Lab? Is your husky, well, husky? A new drug may provide some help.

The government approved the first drug for obese canines on Friday. Called Slentrol, the Pfizer Inc. drug is aimed at helping fat Fidos shed extra pounds.

Here's how the drug works:

The liquid drug appears to reduce the amount of fat a dog can absorb. It also seems to trigger a feeling of satiety or fullness, according to the FDA.

Well that sounds fantastic! 1) reduce your dog's ability to absorb fat (which will, of course, have to be eliminated from the body--remember the naked ape drug orlistat, now with more anal leakage!?!) and 2) artificially induces a feeling of fullness (even though, unlike naked apes, we have absolutely no control over our food supply and thus lack your "will power" problems. which is good because i do have minimal will power)

dunno. i'd be inclined to say that a fat dog could probably benefit more from an extra walk or two rather than ramming pharmaceuticals down its throat, particularly since the procedures to approve pet pharmas are much less rigorous than those for the naked apes (and we know how careful they are with that--vioxx, now with more heart attacks!) i guess this is the logical next step in the ever-expanding world of consumerism. you naked apes spend billions of dollars a year on pets, sometimes on good stuff (our nutritional needs, squeaky toys, tennis balls, health spas and bully sticks) and a lot of times on vanity items that are merely a projection of your own desires and anxieties--like handbags to carry your dogs (who are not legless) in, designer clothes, earrings for dogs, and neuticles. i guess it only stands to reason that eventually you would extend your other national obsession--dieting--onto your pets!

i say take me for a walk and then give me that bully!

loving ewe...

i could make puns about this all day but i'm feeling a little sheepish.

scientists in oregon try to turn rams into ex-gays:

Scientists are conducting experiments to change the sexuality of "gay" sheep in a programme that critics fear could pave the way for breeding out homosexuality in humans.

The technique being developed by American researchers adjusts the hormonal balance in the brains of homosexual rams so that they are more inclined to mate with ewes.

Approximately one ram in 10 prefers to mount other rams rather than mate with ewes, reducing its value to a farmer. Initially, the publicly funded project aimed to improve the productivity of herds.

Professor Charles Roselli, the Health and Science University biologist leading the research, defended the project.

He said: "In general, sexuality has been under-studied because of political concerns. People don't want science looking into what determines sexuality.

"It's a touchy issue. In fact, several studies have shown that people who believe homosexuality is biologically based are less homophobic than people who think that this orientation is acquired."

on the one hand, i suppose this does lend credence to the idea that sexual orientation has a biological basis, though i'd imagine that human sexuality is slightly more complicated than sheep sex (or, at least, you like to talk about it all the time and make it far more complicated than it needs to be). on the other hand, if they de-gay the rams, who will decorate the barns???

ok, all joking aside, here's a more objective look at this research that puts it in the context of research on animal sexuality. you dirty perverts.