You could put a man on the moon...

I saw this in Newsweek--a hotdoll. It is, um, for your frisky pooch. It made it onto Gizmodo.

I feel like I should say something about this. But I've been rendered speechless.

I am the Wallyrus

I have been told that with a pair of tusks I could be a dead ringer...


...for a certain sea beast with a name suspiciously similar to my own.


And after watching this I'm inspired to work on my dancing skills.

The Wathel

I was browsing Petfinder, as I like to do, to do pre-emptive strikes against all the dogs my ma ape wants to adopt and give MY snacks to. I discovered a disturbing trend. What do you see here???

Tater Tot in Nebraska.





Stubby in Texas.





AJ in Louisiana.




Cody in Georgia.




Tesla, in Vermont.





Lucille, in D.C.



It's WATHELS!!!!! At first I was concerned it might have something to do with this:


But I have been neutered. And sissy has been spayed. Twice. And she never puts on weight so she could never hide a baby bump. And also, I never actually get into even the general vicinity of the, um, appropriate bits.

And then I realized. Someone is doing a genetic experiment. Like cloning only combining our DNA. They must be stopped. Cuz no way am I paying all that child support.

Fetch Me My Lawyer!

My always helpful granny sent me a story about doggie lawyers! They handle important matters like inheritance and custody disputes:

The result has been the beginning of a qualitative shift - not merely the stiffening of animal cruelty laws, though in most states that has happened, but changes that are turning animals into legal beings with their own interests, and, in a few cases, their own enforceable preferences. Thirty-nine states and the District of Columbia now allow pet owners to endow pet trusts, the kind of legislation that made it possible for New York hotel billionaire Leona Helmsley to bequeath $12 million to her dog, Trouble. In some states, veterinarians are now required to report suspicions of animal abuse in the same way pediatricians have to report child abuse. Courts are starting to take seriously the claim that pet owners are entitled to compensation for pain and suffering in cases involving the death of an animal. And, in a Tennessee case this spring, a court appointed a legal guardian to represent the interests of a dog in a custody dispute.

I MOST DEFINITELY need a lawyer to handle my important business including managing my large estate of squeaky toys, securing my inheritance from my ma ape (don't worry ma ape, I wasn't really try to push you down the stairs, I swear!), and for suing the neighbor dog who always barks at me and runs away. Harassment! Also, I get relatively frequent sexual harassment on the Internets, though that might be because I'm always posting pictures of my bum. Also, I kind of like it.

New Recipe!

My granny loves me and she sent me this article that I think was a hint to my ma ape that she needs to bust out her new stew pot. It is about how in Australia they are COOKING feral cats!

I asked my ma ape to whip me up a batch of stew but I couldn't hear her answer through the retching noise:

Preparing this unusual stew seems simple enough.

The meat should be diced and fried until it is brown. Then lemon grass is to be added along with salt and pepper and three cups of quandong, which is a sweet desert fruit.

It is recommended that the dish be left to simmer for five hours before being garnished with bush plums and mistletoe berries.

Marinated moggie was not to everyone's taste. One of the competition judges found the meat impossibly tough and had to politely excuse herself and spit it out in a backroom.

Rent-a-Dog

Several of my friends including Tad and Lola have been looking for fundraising possibilities. Well, CNN has reported on one! In size-cramped San Francisco, you can RENT a dog for a day and for a hefty price:

For an annual fee of $99.95, a monthly payment of $49.95 and a per-visit charge of $39.95 a day, (discounted to $24.95 Sunday through Thursday), animal lovers who enroll in FlexPetz get to spend time with a four-legged companion from Cervantes' 10-dog crew of Afghan hounds, Labrador retrievers and Boston terriers.

That's a lot of dough to be made! However, as corgadors are priceless (and I am busy dining with my new buddy Barack) I hope the ma ape does not get any ideas about making us WORK for a living. Though I'm pretty sure I could rent out my sissy to anyone who needs a tennis ball retrieval system (she could be the ball boy at a tennis match, except she would beat even the fastest player to the ball).

Here's an ad for my sissy from me. (Isn't there a word for dudes who rent out ladies? Let me think of it...oh yes, entrepreneurs!)


For rent: One totally annoying sissy who wants to play with tennis balls ALL DAY and is too skinny because she's totally picky and only wants to eat meatables. She runs really fast and wants to hunt anything and she can't control her stupid tongue. She likes to sit on laps. For $.99 a day you can take her off my paws! I accept Visa, Mastercard, Cash, and Wallymelons.

Hat tip to granny for seeing this story. I hope she wasn't trying to help my ma ape find a way to pay for my butcher bills.

Free Advertisement

I am doing free advertising for the Simpsons movie while also finding new ways to waste my ma ape's time. We have made versions of ourselves as Simpsons characters (at the website for the movie--you too can waste away your life!) Sadly you cannot make Simpsons animals so we have to be bo-ring hoomans.

Here is Ethel with sporty pontytail and skinny enough to pull off white jeans.

This is me, can you tell? My ma ape says I should have Ralphie's body-type as well as his hair to which I say NOT FUNNY.
This is ma ape! She's mad at me because I implied she was short by using the "girl" body. She's lucky she doesn't look like Chief Wiggum.

Ask the Big Head

My ma ape has been down since hearing about Scubee so I thought I would do a post to pick-her-up! First by posting this picture of me that looks like I am just a GIANT HEAD with feet. Awesome!

Now down to business. I've been impressed with Nanook's blogging his Google searches because inquiring minds seem to find their way to his blog. However, I have found from looking at the Google searches that led peeps to my blog that apparently I do not attract the same crowd.

First, there was ONE legitimate question: What are frosty paws made of?

Answer: I don't know about the commercial ones without having the box. We make a variety of frozen snacks around here when it is hot to keep us hydrated. We use the Nanook paws recipe (or a variation--my ma ape is generally too lazy to FOLLOW recipes or measure things) that includes yogurt, peanut butter, raw honey, bananas and a variety of fruitables like wallymelon, can't elope, apples, musky melon, booberries and raspberries. The Dogs of Jackman Ave have a savory version with chicken broth, cheeseables and other snackies. My ma ape does the same thing sometimes. We also make my favorite FROOT SMOOSH. It includes a variety of fruitables like cherries, blueberries, wallymelon, etc. If that is in my bowl I eat it first even before the meatables!

OK, now on to the, erm, less informative searches:

1. newfie/shepherd: We don't have any here. But my sissy is part shepherd and sometimes people think I'm a Newfie puppy! My ma ape sometimes tells them that I am a TEACUP NEWFIE just to mess with 'em.
2. Polar Bear Poop: Is this for eating, rolling, or sniffing? My sissy is looking for some but has so far been unsuccessful.
3. "he's the man next to the man next to the goddamn man" I have no idea what you are looking for.
4. orson bedlam farm euthanized: I think you are looking for spoilers about Jon Katz's book. And (SPOILER!) yes, he euthanizes Orson, the dog who he credits with changing his life. I was a fan of Katz, especially the New Work of Dogs but I've soured a bit. He's rather judgmental about other dog owners and, frankly, is a little quick to discard his own.
5. disgusting pictures Sherman. I'm am certain this came back with NO PAGES FOUND because there are NO disgusting pictures of my friend Sherman. He is nothing but hotness radiating off the computer screen. You may have been looking for photographs by feminist artist Cindy Sherman. This is acceptable but don't you dare suggest anything about Sherman is disgusting.
6. slipping the tongue: I don't know if you're looking for instructions or what. Good luck with that. Don't get stuck on any braces.
7. Very cute puggle!!! Yes, with three exclamation marks. But there are none here. Might I suggest Sparky's blog?
8. Corgi fatty tumor: OK, this is a legitimate one. I've had some fatty tumors. They appear as little lumps that grow under the skin. If they grow quickly, get it removed immediately. If they grow slowly, consult with your vet about the best course of action. I have had two removed for biopsy and, fortunately, they were not cancerous. If I have any more I will probably just have a needle biopsy because with my ticker problems anaesthesia would be problematic. I believe these tumors are common on both of my breeds--the corgi and the lab. They are usually benign but it's best to get them checked out. And no, Ethel, my brain is not actually a fatty tumor. Nor is Fatty Tumor a good nickname for me.
9. pimping sissy audio. This is my response:

That is a look of disapproval. You will find no audio of me pimping my sissy because she is an Independent Woman (I may have loaned her out to MaxyV and Pippa, though).

Aaaaaaand, the two most common searches leading to my blog?

2. Margaritarator! Apparently this is a REAL product, or must be for the number of searches for it out there. And the first page that comes up is ME. This is what my ma ape calls her blender. Do you really need a special machine to make margaritas? Especially when the blender can also be used to make Froot Smoosh.

1. BIG ASS (I put it in caps). Well, I will give the people what they want:

The Origins of Evil

The NYT has an article about DNA tests they think show the origins of today's housecats go back 10,000 years to the Near East, around the same time grains were domesticated and cats were valuable for managing mice and rat populations. Here is a classic case of how "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" can go wrong. You befriend these goddamn cats in order to get rid of the rats. Now who will get rid of the cats! Couldn't we learn from this in our foreign policy?

Doggy Personal Trainers

Speed Demon!

The Times has an article today about dogrunners, people hired to take other peoples' dogs for runs in order to exhaust them.

The couple found their own dog runner, but in a growing number of cities one merely has to ask around a dog park or search Google to find one. At a time when affluent dog owners coddle their pets with massage, antidepressants and spa vacations, it’s not surprising that dogs have the equivalent of personal trainers.

“Dog running went from unheard of to über-hip,” said William Sharp, a part-time dog walker in San Francisco. “People like telling their friends, ‘I have to leave a key for Fifi’s dog runner.’ It’s far more sexy than ‘dog walker,’ which is so yesterday.” His business is down because, he said, “The runners are literally leaving me in the dust.”

This would be good for my overexcitable sissy but I'd prefer a personal chef to a personal trainer. I guess I do have a personal walker AND personal chef I call "Ma Ape" but maybe I should look into a professional.

If you ebay it, they will buy

Someone sent me a link to this auction on E-Bay for stickers:



Look at how amused I am.


While ordinarily I am a fan of stinky things I am afraid of my own gaseous emissions (from that end at least). True story. I try to run from them. But I can run but I cannot hide.

Grim Noah's Ark.

My granny read this story in the Guardian--yeesh!

Endangered, hunted, smuggled and now abandoned, 5,000 of the world's rarest animals have been found drifting in a deserted boat near the coast of China.

The pangolins, Asian giant turtles and lizards were crushed inside crates on a rickety wooden vessel that had lost engine power off Qingzhou island in the southern province of Guangdong. Most were alive, though the cargo also contained 21 bear paws wrapped in newspaper.

According to conservation groups, the haul was discovered on one of the world's most lucrative and destructive smuggling routes: from the threatened jungles of south-east Asia to the restaurant tables of southern China.

According to the local media, the cargo included 31 pangolins, 44 leatherback turtles, 2,720 monitor lizards, 1,130 Brazilian turtles as well as the bear paws. Photographs showed other animals, including an Asian giant turtle.

That thing up above is a pangolin. That doesn't look so tasty to me. I hope the naked apes never get a taste for one of the rarest delicacies--the CORGADOR. I have to refrain from eating myself while I'm cleaning my paws because I'm so tasty.

Dr. Feelgood

They've approved Prozac for use in dogs with separation anxiety which, now, makes it officially Pupzac. I was on a different pupzac when I had my little bout of separation anxiety. It did jack all for me but make me pee a lot which really helped with the anxiety, let me tell you. Ahem. The only cure for my fears of abandonment? Having another dog around. Interestingly, my ma ape says that having ME around is a cure for her blues. So maybe we don't always need the pupzac as much as the pup?

Bankin' on it

According to MSNBC doggie sperm banks are all the rage!

When Fig (above), a mixed-breed dog, was 11, Gainor Riker worried that her pet's biological clock was ticking so she decided to have his sperm frozen and stored at a canine semen bank. Her hope is to one day use the sperm to produce a litter of puppies, giving her another wonderful pet with the same fantastic temperament as her beloved Fig.

Fig died two years ago at the age of 15, and his sperm is still in the bank.

Here's how one one woman described her decision to bank it:

"Being a responsible pet owner, I wanted him neutered," she says. "But before doing so, I arranged to have his family jewels locked up in the canine semen bank to ensure a future generation.”

No--nothing odd about that (or strange about referring to your dogs "family jewels"! Good grief, let him have SOME dignity).

And I'm not even going to describe for you HOW they get the stuff. And while my mawma is a strange one I am fairly confident I will never read anything this disturbing about her:

Joeri Goedertier of Battle Ground, Wash., did a testicular harvest after his champion Rottweiler named Umbro died. “I rushed him to an emergency vet and asked [the vet] to cut off the dog’s testicles so that I could FedEx them to a canine semen bank," says Goedertier. "He thought I was some kind of crazy psycho. Time was of the essence and when I threatened to do it myself, he complied.”

Dear doG you apes are weird. Thousands of years of civilization and this is where you are, neutering dead dogs to harvest their sperm. And you think WE'RE odd for sniffing each others' butts and eating cat poop.

you perverts!

headline: zoos cash in on animal sex.

oh, and as if it THAT'S not weird, it's about animal tours in honor of valentine's day to spark a little romance:

TAMPA, Florida (AP) -- Tampa's Lowry Park Zoo calls it the "Wild at Heart" tour.

At New York's Central Park Zoo, it's "Jungle Love."

San Francisco offers "Woo at the Zoo," and in Boise, Idaho, it's possible to enjoy "Wild Love at the Zoo."

When Valentine's Day rolls around, zoos around the country have become an unlikely locale for adult-oriented entertainment with risque tours that combine champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries and candlelight dining with impressive facts about how animals mate.

dog love

bringing sexy back.

true love.

my good buddy rene sent me this link with "pinups for pitbulls." i was really disappointed to find that it was not actually pitbull pinups, all dressed up like miss sunshade and ready to do a burlesque show. rather, it is women dressed up like pinups and posing with pitbulls which is a somewhat odd message.

apparently they're doing it to improve the reputation of pitbulls who are incorrectly slandered as aggressive and out of control dogs (rather than dogs who are unfortunate enough to have aggressive and out of control owners). it's a noble cause, though i'm also intrigued by what it means that the pitbull's aggressive rep will be tempered by posing with sexy ladies? what does this tell us about our perceptions of violence? and women?

an empty title

i forgot to mention the GREAT injustice that occurred last friday. you see, every friday before the stupor bowl the city of philadelphia (near my 'hood) hosts the wing bowl, a chicken wing eating competition. a few years ago they even had a riot there when more people showed up than they could fit into the stadium. and also they were drunk. at 6 a.m.

anyway. they held the event EVEN THOUGH my naked apes did not enter me--the odds-on favorite--in the competition:

PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Professional competitive eater Joey Chestnut devoured a record 182 chicken wings Friday to win his second consecutive Wing Bowl, a gut-busting annual event that draws thousands of revelers to the city's sports complex in the pre-dawn hours.

182? amateur.

not so intelligent design

i've been very busy reading the new york times. their sunday magazine (which i could not read on sunday because i was too busy tailgating!) had an article about designer dogs that discussed the various pluses and minuses of designer dogs. (plus--even "purebreds" are designer dogs and some genetic diversity may be a plus, minus--people will pay exhorbitant amounts for what is essentially a mutt thus leading unscrupulous breeders to do pretty horrible things). fortunately they did not mention the most perfect possible designed dog--the corgador (ie, ME). i would hate to become the target of kidnapping by deranged astronauts or to have someone try to steal my precious dna (which would have to be replicated by artificial means since i am off the baby-making market if you catch my drift).

the whole article is worth reading, though i was most intrigued by this quote:

Many traditionalists see mixing breeds as somehow irresponsible in and of itself. As one pug breeder with a two-time, No. 1 show bitch to her credit told me: “There was only one really perfect thing on the face of this earth, and he was crucified. To us, the pug is pure.”

is she implying that pugs are jesus? interesting. the pugs i see at the dog park strike me as less than divine (or even son of the divine).

chubby chasers!

the bbc reports that the rspca (the british animal po-lice) arrested and got a neglect conviction for two guys with a fat dog! their chocolate lab rusty (see above) is a bit of a chunkster. he was put on a diet at the rspca but is being returned to his owners with a requirement that he remain on weight watchers. i did NOT appreciate their description of the chubby canine:

During the trial, the court was told Rusty was so fat, vets described him as looking like a "walrus".

just to clarify--my walrus-like appearance that gave rise to my name has nothing to do with my weight. in fact, i'm quite the opposite of rusty and the rspca will probably be kidnapping ME to feed me lots of tasty bangers and mash. i'm so hungry yesterday i had to get a bag of cheese out of the fridge! tasty.

hogzilla!

a second hogzilla has been killed!

FAYETTEVILLE, Ga. (AP) — A giant wild hog claimed to be bigger than the near-mythical "Hogzilla" caught in southern Georgia a few years ago has been killed in a suburban Atlanta neighborhood.

The hog hung snout down from a tree Friday in William Coursey's front yard, not far from where the avid hunter said he shot the beast. He said he hauled it to a truck weight station, which recorded the hairy hog at 1,100 pounds.

But Coursey believes his behemoth surpasses the famed super swine shot and killed in 2004 that weighed in at half a ton on the farm's scales. A team of National Geographic experts later confirmed "Hogzilla" didn't quite live up to the 1,000-pound, 12-foot hype, saying the beast was probably 7 1/2 to 8 feet long, and weighed about 800 pounds.

The news of Coursey's kill got people are talking about the enormous beasts that roam the state.

i had no idea georgia was such an exciting place, a land where gigantic mythical pigs roam the earth! and here i thought it was all peanut farmers and michael vick. bring on the bacon!