Great Google-y Moogly!

Otis the Potus here.  This week I decided to check the little Doohickey McThing on our blog that tells us what searches people are performing in order to arrive at our blog.  This was a terrible idea as it revealed to me what you naked apes are thinking.  You are all awful, really the worst.  Here is what I saw via this little window into your minds:


Rent a Dog

Rent?  No you may own.  Take this dog on the left, please.

Terrible mothers in history and Mommy Dearest

Looking for our ma ape, we see.

Wally lane.

Yes, we live on Wally Lane, though for some reason the pizzas I order to have delivered here never quite make it.

Everybody loves a big ass.

This is true.  Junk, meet trunk.


Snow Wally.

We've got that.

Pooly Dogs

Is this what you're looking for?  My brother in his bathing garb?

Identifying a mutt test

Trying to get smarter?  OK, here's your test:  Which dog is a handsome devil?  (A: Trick question, handsome on the right, devil on the left.)

Another test:  Which mutt is a lady?  (Another trick question:  Neither.  My sissy is no lady!)  


Crime against animality:  Our ape was delighted that the first page this phrase leads you to is an article by Jacques Derrida, granddad of deconstruction.  The second link was us.  We're pretty sure this is what Mr. Derrida was referring to:

Mango ness


WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Oh my.  Coming to our blog looking for a pair of mangoes?

 Or wondering how this handsome brindle boy displays his resemblance to Mango?

All right, all right.  We know from your USUAL searches you are looking for that Mango-ness that none of us gentlemen here have.  The Mango Ness:

 All right, naked apes, there are your search results.  Now you can get back to your googling of bottoms and sheppys in bikinis and what I know you were looking for.

Googlicious

I gave a tantalizing hint about some searches that have led weary Googlers to my website. I will tell you more:

1. "wally melon": This is the favorite summertime snack of the corgador. For your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of a wallymelon that a lady claims she sees the virgin mary in:

I made a VERY dirty joke about eating the Virgin Mary that made my ma ape blush and she says I cannot repeat it here.

2. "tom cruise house": I don't know Tom Cruise or where he lives or how large his closets are. (Thank you, I'll be here all day, tip your waitress!).

3. "Vets that can freeze dog semen in South Carolina." Um, I hope this is not ANOTHER Republican sex scandal. (Note: these are far dirtier than my wally melon joke; read at your own peril!)

4. "wally's butts": Yes, there have been the usual requests for "big ass" but apparently fans of My Humps wish to differentiate themselves from the connoisseurs of Large Donkeys. Then I was confused--my BUTTS? Isn't one enough? My ma ape suggested they were looking for Wally Butts, the Georgia football coach who became a part of first amendment legal history when his libel case made it to the Supreme Court. But then she stopped talking and I woke up.

So, here you go, searchers, an array of the rear view:

Tail down.


A slight upturn with wag.


And full-on curl.

Yes, I have a jaunty trot.

Ask the Big Head

My ma ape has been down since hearing about Scubee so I thought I would do a post to pick-her-up! First by posting this picture of me that looks like I am just a GIANT HEAD with feet. Awesome!

Now down to business. I've been impressed with Nanook's blogging his Google searches because inquiring minds seem to find their way to his blog. However, I have found from looking at the Google searches that led peeps to my blog that apparently I do not attract the same crowd.

First, there was ONE legitimate question: What are frosty paws made of?

Answer: I don't know about the commercial ones without having the box. We make a variety of frozen snacks around here when it is hot to keep us hydrated. We use the Nanook paws recipe (or a variation--my ma ape is generally too lazy to FOLLOW recipes or measure things) that includes yogurt, peanut butter, raw honey, bananas and a variety of fruitables like wallymelon, can't elope, apples, musky melon, booberries and raspberries. The Dogs of Jackman Ave have a savory version with chicken broth, cheeseables and other snackies. My ma ape does the same thing sometimes. We also make my favorite FROOT SMOOSH. It includes a variety of fruitables like cherries, blueberries, wallymelon, etc. If that is in my bowl I eat it first even before the meatables!

OK, now on to the, erm, less informative searches:

1. newfie/shepherd: We don't have any here. But my sissy is part shepherd and sometimes people think I'm a Newfie puppy! My ma ape sometimes tells them that I am a TEACUP NEWFIE just to mess with 'em.
2. Polar Bear Poop: Is this for eating, rolling, or sniffing? My sissy is looking for some but has so far been unsuccessful.
3. "he's the man next to the man next to the goddamn man" I have no idea what you are looking for.
4. orson bedlam farm euthanized: I think you are looking for spoilers about Jon Katz's book. And (SPOILER!) yes, he euthanizes Orson, the dog who he credits with changing his life. I was a fan of Katz, especially the New Work of Dogs but I've soured a bit. He's rather judgmental about other dog owners and, frankly, is a little quick to discard his own.
5. disgusting pictures Sherman. I'm am certain this came back with NO PAGES FOUND because there are NO disgusting pictures of my friend Sherman. He is nothing but hotness radiating off the computer screen. You may have been looking for photographs by feminist artist Cindy Sherman. This is acceptable but don't you dare suggest anything about Sherman is disgusting.
6. slipping the tongue: I don't know if you're looking for instructions or what. Good luck with that. Don't get stuck on any braces.
7. Very cute puggle!!! Yes, with three exclamation marks. But there are none here. Might I suggest Sparky's blog?
8. Corgi fatty tumor: OK, this is a legitimate one. I've had some fatty tumors. They appear as little lumps that grow under the skin. If they grow quickly, get it removed immediately. If they grow slowly, consult with your vet about the best course of action. I have had two removed for biopsy and, fortunately, they were not cancerous. If I have any more I will probably just have a needle biopsy because with my ticker problems anaesthesia would be problematic. I believe these tumors are common on both of my breeds--the corgi and the lab. They are usually benign but it's best to get them checked out. And no, Ethel, my brain is not actually a fatty tumor. Nor is Fatty Tumor a good nickname for me.
9. pimping sissy audio. This is my response:

That is a look of disapproval. You will find no audio of me pimping my sissy because she is an Independent Woman (I may have loaned her out to MaxyV and Pippa, though).

Aaaaaaand, the two most common searches leading to my blog?

2. Margaritarator! Apparently this is a REAL product, or must be for the number of searches for it out there. And the first page that comes up is ME. This is what my ma ape calls her blender. Do you really need a special machine to make margaritas? Especially when the blender can also be used to make Froot Smoosh.

1. BIG ASS (I put it in caps). Well, I will give the people what they want: