Diet Diary: Day One

Day One: Mad with the hunger. Ate venison and chicken, both on my diet. Begged for sammiches. Got none. Must not be on diet.

I think I can hear my stomach rumbling.

No, that was just a gas. Since released from captivity.

The Vet Maligned Me!

OK, I am back from yet another stupid trip to the stupid vet. (Though the vet techs are like the smartest people ever because they give me snacks and call me the cutest dog ever. So true, so true). And the Brat Pack demanded an update! I am really really mad. Here's the verdict:

1) I have a wee pink lump on my chest that looks benign but they're going to take it off just in case. It is small enough that I won't have to be put under which is good because (see #3 below).
2) My vampiric ma ape made them draw blood to run tests. More on that when I get results back.
3) My heart is doing a-ok! A couple of years ago I decided to terrify my ma ape by developing heart problems, specifically a really abnormal rhythm and a murmur. I had to have an ultrasound and they shaved part of my chest which really harshed my manly vibe. Anyway, my murmur is still a 1 out of 6 (the rest of me is a 10 out of 10, my vet assured me!) and my rhythm was normal. So my ticker is still goin' strong.
4) The physical exam didn't show any signs of pain or stiffness in my joints (or more than previously) and the vet said he didn't think I need meds at this point, particularly since earlier today I totally kicked some sissy butt at a little game we call "rampage around the living room chasing each other and pretending to eat each others' heads."
5) My ma ape had really been worried because I have had anxiety at night. I am restless, I pace, and I whine until she pets me and/or gets down on the ground with me. The vet thought it was in my head rather than anything physical. 1) my arfritis is not worse so it is unlikely I am in pain (also I am one rampaging beast during the day) 2) there is no obvious physical problem and I appear to be perfectly healthy 3) I have no other signs of Alzheimers (my ma ape is another story. Ask her how she peeled two different bananas for lunch today) 4) I do have a history of anxiety. So--the vet thinks I probably am having anxiety about upheaval in our house. Specifically, when my sissy was hurt. I'm kind of an empathetic dude (sensitive new age guy, you might say). So if it doesn't get better over the next two weeks (and I was pretty nice last night) then I have to go back.

Here's the part that MADE MY BLOOD BOIL

6) According to the vet's scale I have gained FIVE POUNDS! And my ma ape said the "D" word--DIET! The scale is so obviously BROKEN and it probably was supposed to say 38 pounds and not 48 pounds. And the vet LAUGHED when my ma ape referred to my "Christmas Chunk." OK that is totally not professional.

So that's what happened. Nothing exciting! Except that afterward we went and got venison which is totally on my diet.

BUSTER's BIG 1-0!

Buster is bustin' out all over! It's his big 1-0 today. Buster is one of my oldest and bestest friends so we are going to be partying like it's 1997 (when Buster was the big 0-1!) here! Here are ten of my favorite things about 10-year old Buster:

1) his potty mouth
2) his witty political commentary
3) his kissies
4) his love of the animals, hatred of the olsen trolls
5) his mad organization skills in getting us together for chats
6: this verse in his self-penned burpday song:
PLENTY OF CHEESE N BACON
LOTS OF BONES N CAKES N COOKIES
FREE FLOWING BEER TO GET US SHAKIN
7) his mad donut thievin' skills
8) our regular coconut-enhanced dance routines
9) he looks great on the beach in his bikini
10) he's the best friend a little corgador could have

Rumor on the Yard

The apes are whispering. The rumor on the yard is that I'm going to the vet tomorrow. I'm not pleased. That dude is always poking me with needles, putting things in my bum, looking at my teeth and laughing. Not cool. Sissy thinks I am getting a lobotomy. I thought maybe neuticles.

Just in case, I am practicing my ferocity. I will not be a conehead. Maybe I should practice my ferocity with a ball that is not pink.

More Holiday Shenanigans

OK, Granny, I know what you're thinking--I'm spoiled and I don't need MORE stuff. Well, this isn't more STUFF, it's more stuff that we did for the holiday.

Since the apes were home we got to go to the field. (My Grammie with an M for My Friend Peanut's once commented on our big backyard. Actually our backyard is kind of small and has a big stupid unusable pool in it. This is a field by our house that we PRETEND is ours when they are not using it for tailgating before football games. True story. Sometimes I find tasty snackables there and then my ma ape runs at me with her arms waving--NOOOOOOOO! It's hilarious). Look! Green (and sunny) Christmas!

Also everyone wants my bed, especially my sissy who has started taking it over, as you can see. But she doesn't even know how to use it. Look!


And this was the dinner for the apes. That's Santa Bock in the background. And on the right is homemade tofurkey, some of it plain and some of it with pomegranate/raspberry glaze. And on the left is African Pineapple, Kale and Peanut stew served over roasted spaghetti squash. And in the front are spicy sweet potato and yam fries. I tasted them all to take sure they were ok. They were! But they were not as good as the quail my sissy and I had!


And this was the best part! Little Wally-sized punkin pies! My sissy and I got to have pie for dessert AND pie for breakfast.


And best of all, in two weeks my Granny with an N for Nebraska will be Granny with an N for Near Wally! And Gramps! P for Partner in Snacks!

Political Humor

Because she is a nerd, my ma ape thinks this is funny:



Too obvious, say I. But I'm more for humor that involves cat poo and grossed out apes.

Santa Paws Cometh!

Christmas is my favorite holiday (other than my burpday--coming soon!) because 1) my apes are at home and 2) I get presents 3) we get tasty food!

So our stockings were hung (from the plant hangers because we have no chimney. And also if they weren't 7 feet in the air we'd get into them):


Look at all that stuff! But why does it say "Naughty"?


Earlier this month I got a Chanukah bear. I like to celebrate all holidays especially when they involve things that squeak:


And then look what my granny got me:


A new mooshy bed! So comfy...Zzzzzzz...



But no napping yet! There are presents to open. Here's sissy cracking open the stocking:

It's a whole stocking full of her favorite thing! (Well, other than me)--tennis balls!


And she got a squeaky football that she--mercifully--punctured within 5 minutes:


And what's in my stocking?


Santa Weenie!


Sadly, Santa Weenie was a bit of a weenie. And he did not last long. Goodbye Santa Weenie (9:11-9:17 a.m. 12/25/07)


And then Sissy had to put on the antlers! Hahahahahahaha!


She loved them, as you can see.


This is what I got my ma ape. Big fuzzy slippers and 64 oz cup for coffee!


Here's some perspective on the size of the cup. It's as big as my head! Whoa. That should last her until noon maybe.


Here I am with my whole haul of holiday crap. I was so good this year! Who knew!


And then to finish it off we had some beefy wishbones.


And for all of you--here is your Holiday Smooch complete with beefy breath!

Happy Holidays my friends!

The Greatest Gift EVER!

So later I am going to post about the enormous haul of presents I am SURE to get (in addition to the haul I have already gotten!) But this morning I got just the most awesome gift from Narra, Jackson and Upchuck and Buko (in spirit).

Meet Marley! He lives at the Best Friends Sanctuary and now I am his sponsor (in a rescue kind of way, not in an AA kind of way). Thanks guys! And I know you picked out a rescue dude who looks like me so my ma ape would get all sentimental and give me loads of loving. Mission accomplished!

Here is all about my new bud Marley:

Marley's a hap, hap, happy guy! He's a 65 lb. lapdog who wants to give you all of his love. He is very joyful, and wants the world to know it. He'll talk your ear off if he can; if not, he'll happily cuddle with you. Whatever Marley does, he does with great exuberance!

Marley is a Chow Chow mix who was born in 2000. He was adopted as a puppy, but then his people moved, and his talking ability caused problems. Neighbors didn't appreciate Marley's conversational skills -- his barking was too much for them. So, Marley lost his home and came here. These days, he can talk all he wants. However, since he has plenty of company, he only talks when he wants something... food, lots of food! He's a bit of a chunk, but has slimmed down since he first came. He has a thyroid problem, so gets medicine to control it, which has helped his weight. He also adores going for walks. He gets so excited, his whole body wiggles with glee, and it can be hard to leash him. Wait for us, Marley! If you can keep up with Marley, he'd love to be friends, and have you for his sponsor.