Weekend Without Wally

My editor ape is gone for the weekend and so my blog will fall silent. I leave you with this picture to remember me by.

For those who expressed concern about my wellbeing during her absence I will be with Mr. J and the awesome part of that is it means PIZZA NIGHT. So hurry up and leave ma ape!

adding insult to injury

So I find out my mawma's going to leave me for a few days but I think--whew, I'll be able to call my granny so I'll still have someone to tell me what a good, handsome boy I am. And then she drops this bomb--granny's going to GUACAMOLE. Which she says is south of Mexico. How can she visit my favorite dip without me!

Won't someone think of the Wally.

melanwally

Eyes downcast and mouth droopy. Why so melanwally, you ask?


My mum has packed her bags and tells me she is leaving for Las Vegas tomorrow. Without me. I've never been there myself but I have seen Showgirls 43 times and from what I can surmise it is a city filled with overacting, copious bare breasts, and atrocious acting. From the plot of the film, I can only guess my mawma is heading to Sin City to become a dancer, getting her first break in a show by sleeping with that guy from Twin Peaks and then pushing the lead showgirl down the stairs so she can become the star. She says she's going to an academic conference so I don' t know what the scholarly equivalent would be to shoving a rival down the stairs. Breaking their nerdy glasses in two, perhaps? I hope she comes back from Vegas quickly. Time will have to tell if she comes home topless with feathers on her head.

let it snow let it snow let's eat snow

Aaaand, even more snow! I complain about it but we do enjoy playing in the white stuff.

My sis tries out some dance moves (two legs up, two legs down!)


And she shows off her butt! We're both kind of blowing our coats so we have especially fluffy bottoms. I can't wait until spring when we will defy the laws of physics and lose 3x our body weight in fur every day! The apes call it "Dyson Season."


My ma ape hates the snow so I'm trying to be a really nice guy; I'm going to eat it ALL, one tongueful at a time.

Blech. That was yellow snow.


I'm trying out my mad skillz as an outfielder for the Cubs next year. I understand you can't eat the baseballs you catch which kind of makes it pointless.

thanks pacco!

My pals Pacco n' Amanda sent me a burpday card and a present all the way from Malaysia! Pacco looks like my sister Ethel! I should fix them up as best friends. Pacco's far away so Ethel's less likely to spaz out and try to pin her like she sometimes does (no delicate flower is my sister).


Look! Pretty card and a cell phone charm. My mean mawma ape says I can't have my own cell phone because I'd just use it to order pizza and send obnoxious text messages like "WLY RULZ!" Fair enough. But if I've got the charms, I need the phone, right?


I read things very carefully.

snow???!!!?!?!?!

yeah, it's snowing again. in march? doG damn it.


Here's my sister Ethel in the snow. If you look carefully she's still only got two feet on the ground and two feet in the air. That dog just ain't right.


I'm running to get back inside (after eating about three pounds of snow). Is it spring yet?

while mum's away...

...wally will play! yesterday mum was at work WAY too long for my tastes so I started work on my ice cream flavor alone, getting out the FAMILY SIZED wasabi paste. wooooooo! the bungee corgi was useless and didn't help at all.

happy burpday TO JOE!

It may be Tanner Tuesday but it is also the first day of Joeypalooza, a four-day celebration of the birth of Joe Stains, Boston Terrierist and Doofus Wrangler. Happy burpday, buddy!

*I know that the above dog is a Frenchie and not a Boston. I just like it, ok?
**Also, Joe, sorry to post your burpday greeting in such close proximity to the doggy sperm bank story. Ew.

Bankin' on it

According to MSNBC doggie sperm banks are all the rage!

When Fig (above), a mixed-breed dog, was 11, Gainor Riker worried that her pet's biological clock was ticking so she decided to have his sperm frozen and stored at a canine semen bank. Her hope is to one day use the sperm to produce a litter of puppies, giving her another wonderful pet with the same fantastic temperament as her beloved Fig.

Fig died two years ago at the age of 15, and his sperm is still in the bank.

Here's how one one woman described her decision to bank it:

"Being a responsible pet owner, I wanted him neutered," she says. "But before doing so, I arranged to have his family jewels locked up in the canine semen bank to ensure a future generation.”

No--nothing odd about that (or strange about referring to your dogs "family jewels"! Good grief, let him have SOME dignity).

And I'm not even going to describe for you HOW they get the stuff. And while my mawma is a strange one I am fairly confident I will never read anything this disturbing about her:

Joeri Goedertier of Battle Ground, Wash., did a testicular harvest after his champion Rottweiler named Umbro died. “I rushed him to an emergency vet and asked [the vet] to cut off the dog’s testicles so that I could FedEx them to a canine semen bank," says Goedertier. "He thought I was some kind of crazy psycho. Time was of the essence and when I threatened to do it myself, he complied.”

Dear doG you apes are weird. Thousands of years of civilization and this is where you are, neutering dead dogs to harvest their sperm. And you think WE'RE odd for sniffing each others' butts and eating cat poop.

don't cry for me scoooooter liiiiby!

It's official, Scooter (former chief of staff to the veep) is a felon.

Now, will someone please answer the question of why a grown man answers to a nickname that sounds like a dog's name? Seriously, I hear his name and I think of a beagle. And that's just not fair to beagles. Give him something dignified like Turd Blossom.

Happy Burpday Auntie Ira!

Happy Burpday AUNTIE IRA! She is married to my onkel Eric who resembles the guy in the picture above. Ira's burpday not officially until the 6th but she's in Sweden so it's her burpday NOW (she shares a burpday with joe stains though i don't think hers lasts quite as long).

Here is a burpday song for Auntie in Swedish!

Ja må hon leva,
ja må hon leva.
ja må hon leva uti hundrade år!
Ja visst ska hon leva,
ja visst ska hon leva,
ja visst ska hon leva uti hundrade år.
Hon lever! Hurra! Hurra! Hurra

I have no idea what this says or how to sing it but I can imagine it as an ABBA performance with a kicky beat, sparkly outfits and coordinated dance moves. I think it has something about living to be a hundred. And then saying hurrah a lot which, I'd imagine is shouting "Hurrah!" because Wally is your favorite nephew. And I can't imagine wanting to be 100 without Wally around, eh? Have a great one Auntie Ira! Put down the Hegel and do a little celebratin' with the Minerva Owl!

you scream I SCREAM!

While I think Stephen Colbert would fear me because my appearance is similar to that of a bear I am SO EXCITED about the new ice cream named after him from Ben & Jerry's:

“I’m not afraid to say it. Dessert has a well-known liberal agenda,” Colbert said in a statement. “What I hope to do with this ice cream is bring some balance back to the freezer case.”

I'm still waiting for Ben & Jerry's to get back to me on "Wally's Wicked Wonder" ice cream. Vanilla with crispy bacon and a nice wasabi stripe, speckled with hunks of bully stick throughout. Bring it on!

wasabi in space!

nasa needs me! they had a wasabi spill in the shuttle and need someone to do clean-up! i could be just the guy. i'm a big ol' fan of wasabi peas and sushi with wasabi. nasa--call me! will work for food!

The spicy greenish condiment was squirted out of a tube while astronaut Sunita Williams was trying to make a pretend sushi meal with bag-packaged salmon. The three space station crewmembers are given a certain number of bonus packs of their favorite foods to help endure their months in space where most meals are the equivalent of military MREs.

Since everything is weightless, spilled food is no ordinary clean-up challenge.

"We finally got the wasabi smell out after it was flying around everywhere," Williams told her mother this week in a conversation arranged by Boston radio station WBZ. "We cleaned it up off the walls a little bit."

strange apes.

This will come as a surprise to no one but my mawma is odd. She's weird in many ways, one of which is the fact that she likes to get me fuzzies of some of her favorite animals even though that means she is going to watch me pretend to kill fuzzies of her favorite animals. Sure, every once in awhile I get to kill a buffalo head (she has nothing against buffalo generally, just colorado buffalos) but most often she gets stuffies that look like things she likes! case in point:

this is the oddest--the corgi bungie! she loves corgis and yet she got me a toy shaped like a corgi for me to kill! here i'm wearing him as a fetching stole.


a stole that i can bite in the head!


grrrrrr..and his stretchiness makes him perfect for tugging games.

killed 'em! i worry about my crazy ape. i may have to consult my freud today to figure out the psychology of this. is this is some manifestation of a death drive? repressed rage? a very confused oedipal complex in which she delights in watching me kill my symbolic father (ie, my corgi half)? i have a sneaking suspicion the answer is simple. Diagnosis: crazy.

something new!

king wally

We visited the ice mountain which is smaller but still standing (and still pretty dirty AND gross).


Here's my sis at the base. You can see how BIG it is.


But even ol' long legs can't conquer the mountain.


But brave Sir Wally will take his turn.

He finds a path to the summit.


Victory! Here I am at the top of the world!
Aaaaand back down, having claimed my territory! I'm a regular Sir Edmund Hillary.