Wally's Guide to (American) Football!
I have had many requests to share my wisdom about the FOOTBALLS. I am an excellent teacher. When I rescued my sissy she didn't even know about the Cornhuskers. But now she knows! And so I will share with you the keys to American Football, which mostly involve rooting for the CORNHUSKERS.
Five easy steps to being a football fan:
1. Pick your team(s).
There are two kinds of football, Saturday football and Sunday football. My ma ape prefers Saturday football but Jay ape prefers Sunday football. I like them all! You have to pick your team(s) carefully because once you have picked your team you must defend them ALWAYS and love them even when they're stupid like firing their coach to hire a dumb boob. You should never be a "fair-weather fan" that only likes your team when they win. You must be completely confident in your team's ability to beat anybody. Plus you must all sorts of important information out of your brain in order to make room for ephemera about your team like the number of championships your team won in the 90s (3) and who they beat (Florida, Miami, Tennessee).
If you do not have teams I suggest you share mine because mine, of course, are the greaterest!
Saturday Team: NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS. (By far second tier but acceptable: Washington Huskies, Mini-soda Golden Gophers, Memphis Tigers, Wisconsin Badgerers, Oregon teams). In Division IAA you can root for the Delaware Fighting Blue Hens.
Sunday Team(s): Seattle Seahawks, Philadelphia Beagles, Chicago Bears, (also acceptable: Mini-Soda Vikings, Buffalo Bills, Cleveland Browns, Pittsburgh Squealers)
2. Pick your enemies!
You also have to pick the teams you DON'T like that make you want to gnaw on their legs. Sometimes it is as much fun to root AGAINST a team as it is FOR your team. It gets complicated, however, when your haterest teams play each other. Then you have to engage in complex calculations of which team's loss would help the Huskers the most.
Saturday Rivals: Any SEC team, any Florida team, Notre Dame, Penn State, Michigan, Ohio State, COLORADO BUFFALOES, Oklahoma Sooners, USC
Here is my sissy laughing at the Notre Dame coach talking about their humiliating loss last week. I have trained her well.
I have been known to express myself a bit more crudely.
Sunday Rivals: Dallas Cowboys, Baltimore Ravens, New England Patriots, Washington Redskins, New York Giants
3. Get some gear!
You have to get all decked out for your team (so pick your team carefully to be sure the colors are flattering.) Here I am with my Husker stuff including my PERSONALIZED Husker jersey. Also, Joe Stains and his brother demonstrate some fine Stealers fan spirit here.
4. Get some grub!
The MOST IMPORTANT part of being a football fan is getting appropriate snackables. Encourage your apes to get easily spilled foodables or things they will not notice as you are filching them from the table. We also sometimes get BIG BONES to chew on, especially when we have company.
Make sure that your apes have enough beer and/or liquors to hamper their coordination. It tends to make them more prone to drop food and/or forget those other three bully sticks they have already given you.
It helps if your grub is team appropriate. For instance, as a HOOSKER fan I can eat Nebraska themed food like corn or OMAHA STEAKS or you can go with a red theme--wallymelon, cherries, strawberries, raspberries, raw meat, strawberry ice cream, wallymelon, you get the picture.
This morning I had BUFFALO for breakfastable not because the Hooskers are playing the Buffaloes. They're playing the Demon Deacons and my ma ape said I should not eat clergy so we ate the HOOSKER RIVALS.
5. Learn your fight song!
You have to know what to sing when your team does well. Don't overdo this. There is no reason to sing/play your fight song every 2 minutes (I'm looking at YOU, USC) but do sing it liberally when you do something awesome like INTERCEPT A PASS (which my team just did.
As a new Husker fan, here is what you should sing:
There is no place like Nebraska
Dear old Nebraska U.
Where the girls are the fairest,
The boys are the squarest
Of any old school that I knew
There is no place like Nebraska
Where they're all true blue.
We'll all stick together
In all kinds of weather,
For Dear old Nebraska U!
To summarize what you have learned: GO HUSKERS! Eat snackables, and have a great Saturday!