Saturday, September 08, 2007

Wally's Guide to (American) Football!

I have had many requests to share my wisdom about the FOOTBALLS. I am an excellent teacher. When I rescued my sissy she didn't even know about the Cornhuskers. But now she knows! And so I will share with you the keys to American Football, which mostly involve rooting for the CORNHUSKERS.

Five easy steps to being a football fan:

1. Pick your team(s).

There are two kinds of football, Saturday football and Sunday football. My ma ape prefers Saturday football but Jay ape prefers Sunday football. I like them all! You have to pick your team(s) carefully because once you have picked your team you must defend them ALWAYS and love them even when they're stupid like firing their coach to hire a dumb boob. You should never be a "fair-weather fan" that only likes your team when they win. You must be completely confident in your team's ability to beat anybody. Plus you must all sorts of important information out of your brain in order to make room for ephemera about your team like the number of championships your team won in the 90s (3) and who they beat (Florida, Miami, Tennessee).

If you do not have teams I suggest you share mine because mine, of course, are the greaterest!

Saturday Team: NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS. (By far second tier but acceptable: Washington Huskies, Mini-soda Golden Gophers, Memphis Tigers, Wisconsin Badgerers, Oregon teams). In Division IAA you can root for the Delaware Fighting Blue Hens.

Sunday Team(s): Seattle Seahawks, Philadelphia Beagles, Chicago Bears, (also acceptable: Mini-Soda Vikings, Buffalo Bills, Cleveland Browns, Pittsburgh Squealers)

2. Pick your enemies!

You also have to pick the teams you DON'T like that make you want to gnaw on their legs. Sometimes it is as much fun to root AGAINST a team as it is FOR your team. It gets complicated, however, when your haterest teams play each other. Then you have to engage in complex calculations of which team's loss would help the Huskers the most.

Saturday Rivals: Any SEC team, any Florida team, Notre Dame, Penn State, Michigan, Ohio State, COLORADO BUFFALOES, Oklahoma Sooners, USC

Here is my sissy laughing at the Notre Dame coach talking about their humiliating loss last week. I have trained her well.

I have been known to express myself a bit more crudely.

Sunday Rivals: Dallas Cowboys, Baltimore Ravens, New England Patriots, Washington Redskins, New York Giants

3. Get some gear!

You have to get all decked out for your team (so pick your team carefully to be sure the colors are flattering.) Here I am with my Husker stuff including my PERSONALIZED Husker jersey. Also, Joe Stains and his brother demonstrate some fine Stealers fan spirit here.

4. Get some grub!

The MOST IMPORTANT part of being a football fan is getting appropriate snackables. Encourage your apes to get easily spilled foodables or things they will not notice as you are filching them from the table. We also sometimes get BIG BONES to chew on, especially when we have company.

Make sure that your apes have enough beer and/or liquors to hamper their coordination. It tends to make them more prone to drop food and/or forget those other three bully sticks they have already given you.

It helps if your grub is team appropriate. For instance, as a HOOSKER fan I can eat Nebraska themed food like corn or OMAHA STEAKS or you can go with a red theme--wallymelon, cherries, strawberries, raspberries, raw meat, strawberry ice cream, wallymelon, you get the picture.

This morning I had BUFFALO for breakfastable not because the Hooskers are playing the Buffaloes. They're playing the Demon Deacons and my ma ape said I should not eat clergy so we ate the HOOSKER RIVALS.

5. Learn your fight song!

You have to know what to sing when your team does well. Don't overdo this. There is no reason to sing/play your fight song every 2 minutes (I'm looking at YOU, USC) but do sing it liberally when you do something awesome like INTERCEPT A PASS (which my team just did.

As a new Husker fan, here is what you should sing:

There is no place like Nebraska
Dear old Nebraska U.
Where the girls are the fairest,
The boys are the squarest
Of any old school that I knew
There is no place like Nebraska
Where they're all true blue.
We'll all stick together
In all kinds of weather,
For Dear old Nebraska U!

To summarize what you have learned: GO HUSKERS! Eat snackables, and have a great Saturday!

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Alive and Kicking!

There has been some consternation on the Internets about my absence over the last two days. What can I say, my ladies (and my Smoochable GooberStan) can't stop thinking about me!

Here are some things I may or may not have been doing:

1) Rehearsing to appear in Britney Spears's big comeback at the MTV Music Awards
2) Trying to get Republican lawmakers to hit on me in public restrooms
3) Getting a refund for my iPhone (more time consuming since I never actually bought one)
4) Losing wing eating competitions to a 105-pound woman called "The Black Widow"
5) Coaching teams for the women's world cup in football/soccer.

Here's some evidence that my sissy is NOT ok:

Her head has been replaced by a giant red rubber ball and she's walking upright!

And they are starving me. Send snacks!

For those of you who have missed my commentary on current events, a small note on my feelings about Fred Thompson's entry into the Presidential race:

And good news on my pal Buko! He doesn't have a torn ACL, though he does have a leg injury and is being slowly nursed back to health. Maybe I should call Nurse Astas for him!

I am hard at work on my guide to FOOTBALL! Stay tuned!

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Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Finn-AGAIN's Tag

See what I did there with the title? I let Ethel play name-scattergories but now it is The Wally's turn. Scattergories, the W Remix! (Note it is W and not Dubya! I'm taking back my letter!)

My name: WALLY

1. Famous Singer: Will i am.
2. Four letter word: Work
3. Street: Wall Street
4. Colour: white, wisteria
5. Gifts/Presents: Walkman (oooh, that's old!), wallymelon, wizzle sticks
6. Vehicle: wagon
7. Things in a Souvenir Shop: wish you were here postcards
8. Boy Name: Winston Churchill, Walter, Willie, Wallace
9. Girl Name: Wanda
10. Movie Title: Wild at Heart
11. Drink: Waterables (my fave), White Russian
12. Occupation: Whale Watcher
13. Celebrity: Walt Whitman (too old?), Willie Wonka (too fictional?), Woody Allen (too, um, married to his daughter?), Willie Nelson (just right!)
14. Magazine: Weekly World News (RIP)
15. U.S. City: Weeping Water, Nebraska!
16. Pro Sport: Wallyball!, wet t-shirt contest
17. Fruit: Wallymelon (duh)
18. Reason for Being Late for Work: Wet my pants, Wally whining, What work?
19. Something You Throw Away: worn out wellies
20. Things You Shout: Whaaaaa? (tm Jon Stewart), Workers of the world, unite! (tm, Karl Marx)
21. Cartoon Character: Waldo (of Where's Waldo)

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Tuesday, September 04, 2007


Wally's big tall pall Finnegan tagged us to play SCATTERGORIES! And I get to go first because I am TALL just like FINNY.

I am SHORT here because I am LYING DOWN (but maybe still taller than WALLY). And I am snugging with a GREEN WEENIE because Wally WON'T SNUGGLE just because I MOOSH him.


My Name: ETHEL

1. Famous Singer: Englebert Humperdink!
2. Four letter word: EEEK!
3. Street: East Main Street
4. Colour: Eagles Green!
5. Gifts/Presents: Eatables!
6. Vehicle: Electric Car
7. Things in a Souvenir Shop: Eagles JERSEY
8. Boy Name: ERIC, ONKEL
9. Girl Name: Erma or Elaine
10. Movie Title: ERASERHEAD
11. Drink: Ethel Duffy Cocktail
12. Occupation: Escort!
13. Celebrity: Eminemineminem
14. Magazine: Elle
15. U.S. City: East St. Louis! (wally says i'm cheating, i say SHUT IT wally!)
17. Fruit: EWWWW.
18. Reason for Being Late for Work: ERNEST!
19. Something You Throw Away: E-MAILS and especially if you work for ALBERTO GONZOLES (wally told me that)
20. Things You Shout: EAT MEAT!
21. Cartoon Character: Elmer FUdd--he hunts WABBITS like ME

Pippa said he wanted to see my BUM so HERE YOU GO:

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I am out of sorts. And here are some reasons why.

1) My friend (who I like to growl at) Narra had a birthday and she is four years old. That means she is an ADULT now and I didn't get to have a talk with her about what that means including a) it is no longer cute when you hump your poor, put-upon brother's head (ok, maybe a little funny) b) you should know about the birds AND the bees (birds are for eating, bees sting, eat their honey) c) when you are an adult you have to have a boss who tells you what to do and makes you stop surfing the web while "on the clock," you can avoid this by going to "gradual school" d) you have to go to bed real real early because you get up BEFORE the birds e) since you are a lady you will need to keep your figure and thus you should continue to funnel chicken backs in my direction.


2) My OTHER friend Buko (the young coconut!) tore his ACL. I'm fairly certain that he did this while protecting his house from grizzly bears. Or perhaps a rampaging horde of hippos. Maybe both. I hope his peep can get it fixed soon so that I can chase him around his yard again. Maybe we could catch a deer together. Get well soon, coconut!

3. The apes have decided it is REALLY funny to wrap my ape around my head. As you can see, I am not amused. They have such a lame sense of humor and rarely laugh at my scatalogical humor and my ma ape says "sexism is NOT funny Wally, stop calling women fat so you can eat their food." Buzzkills. So I will take a poll--ape necklace. Funny or no?

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Monday, September 03, 2007

Paging Dr. Mackin!

So apparently people are searching for me and winding up on Sophie's blog. She has had searches like "corgador rescue" and "sweet wally." And is there a sweeter wally than me? But someone came to my blog searching for "Dr. Mackin." And I know Dr. Mackin! Here is what you need to know:
  • he's a smart dude and he's a doctor, but not the kind who can prescribe you medicine or operate on you so don't let him come near you with a scalpel
  • he is held hostage by a sassy cat named katja who periodically comes to my blog to let me know how indifferent she is to me
  • i also know he is smart because he lives with a great lady named amy who is an expert with the belly rubs and snackables
  • he and my ma ape argue about boring and inconsequential things but they do agree that dogs rule and that Dr. Mackin needs one STAT
  • Through no fault of his own, Dr. Mackin had a lousy weekend so to cheer him up here are some funny pictures of me and my sissy eating. I have a condition known as "hummus face." Dr. Mackin is the kind of doctor who could treat that maybe.

And on a (probably) unrelated note: I also had a search for "margaritarator cat." Let me stress--DO NOT PUT THE CAT IN THE MARGARITARATOR! It is for froot smoosh, veggie smoosh, and mamamargarita smoosh and not for CAT SMOOSH.

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Putting the Lay in Labor Day

Whew am I glad I didn't have to work today because I needed to recover from my EXCITING Labor Day weekend (in which, just to clarify, no cats were eaten. I did get chased by one. There's a cat in our neighborhood who has NO FEAR of me and my sissy and chases us on our morning walk).

Jeez--does the flash have to be SO BRIGHT?

Oh my belly.

Just 10 more minutes sleeping, k?

But nothing perks me up like some vigorous ROACHING.

Is it time to EAT now?

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Sunday, September 02, 2007

New Recipe!

My granny loves me and she sent me this article that I think was a hint to my ma ape that she needs to bust out her new stew pot. It is about how in Australia they are COOKING feral cats!

I asked my ma ape to whip me up a batch of stew but I couldn't hear her answer through the retching noise:

Preparing this unusual stew seems simple enough.

The meat should be diced and fried until it is brown. Then lemon grass is to be added along with salt and pepper and three cups of quandong, which is a sweet desert fruit.

It is recommended that the dish be left to simmer for five hours before being garnished with bush plums and mistletoe berries.

Marinated moggie was not to everyone's taste. One of the competition judges found the meat impossibly tough and had to politely excuse herself and spit it out in a backroom.

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Hey! It's RANDAY!

Sundays are Randays--in honor of my friend Randi so that means I get to do whatever I want. My ma ape says it actually means that Randi gets to do whatever SHE wants and thus, I have to do what Randi wants!

So here are some pictures in Randi's honor (um, some of them my selections because I know Randi would want me to be happy!).

Randi asked for more Ethel pictures so here she is with my green weenie watching the Phillies, probably grabbing defeat from the jaws of victory again:

Here's me and my sissy playing footie. Look at the blobs of hair she leaves around! And the apes just Dysoned the joint!

And, of course, a little of the Big Ass. I was a little self-conscious cuz you can see the grey in my tail.

And here I am sleeping off a post-footie hangover!

Happy Randay! Tomorrow we get an extra Randay because it is LABOR DAY! Which means NO LABOR! Whew, I can finally take a day off from my grueling schedule.

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