Saturday, September 08, 2007

Wally's Guide to (American) Football!

I have had many requests to share my wisdom about the FOOTBALLS. I am an excellent teacher. When I rescued my sissy she didn't even know about the Cornhuskers. But now she knows! And so I will share with you the keys to American Football, which mostly involve rooting for the CORNHUSKERS.

Five easy steps to being a football fan:

1. Pick your team(s).

There are two kinds of football, Saturday football and Sunday football. My ma ape prefers Saturday football but Jay ape prefers Sunday football. I like them all! You have to pick your team(s) carefully because once you have picked your team you must defend them ALWAYS and love them even when they're stupid like firing their coach to hire a dumb boob. You should never be a "fair-weather fan" that only likes your team when they win. You must be completely confident in your team's ability to beat anybody. Plus you must all sorts of important information out of your brain in order to make room for ephemera about your team like the number of championships your team won in the 90s (3) and who they beat (Florida, Miami, Tennessee).

If you do not have teams I suggest you share mine because mine, of course, are the greaterest!

Saturday Team: NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS. (By far second tier but acceptable: Washington Huskies, Mini-soda Golden Gophers, Memphis Tigers, Wisconsin Badgerers, Oregon teams). In Division IAA you can root for the Delaware Fighting Blue Hens.

Sunday Team(s): Seattle Seahawks, Philadelphia Beagles, Chicago Bears, (also acceptable: Mini-Soda Vikings, Buffalo Bills, Cleveland Browns, Pittsburgh Squealers)

2. Pick your enemies!

You also have to pick the teams you DON'T like that make you want to gnaw on their legs. Sometimes it is as much fun to root AGAINST a team as it is FOR your team. It gets complicated, however, when your haterest teams play each other. Then you have to engage in complex calculations of which team's loss would help the Huskers the most.

Saturday Rivals: Any SEC team, any Florida team, Notre Dame, Penn State, Michigan, Ohio State, COLORADO BUFFALOES, Oklahoma Sooners, USC

Here is my sissy laughing at the Notre Dame coach talking about their humiliating loss last week. I have trained her well.

I have been known to express myself a bit more crudely.

Sunday Rivals: Dallas Cowboys, Baltimore Ravens, New England Patriots, Washington Redskins, New York Giants

3. Get some gear!

You have to get all decked out for your team (so pick your team carefully to be sure the colors are flattering.) Here I am with my Husker stuff including my PERSONALIZED Husker jersey. Also, Joe Stains and his brother demonstrate some fine Stealers fan spirit here.

4. Get some grub!

The MOST IMPORTANT part of being a football fan is getting appropriate snackables. Encourage your apes to get easily spilled foodables or things they will not notice as you are filching them from the table. We also sometimes get BIG BONES to chew on, especially when we have company.

Make sure that your apes have enough beer and/or liquors to hamper their coordination. It tends to make them more prone to drop food and/or forget those other three bully sticks they have already given you.

It helps if your grub is team appropriate. For instance, as a HOOSKER fan I can eat Nebraska themed food like corn or OMAHA STEAKS or you can go with a red theme--wallymelon, cherries, strawberries, raspberries, raw meat, strawberry ice cream, wallymelon, you get the picture.

This morning I had BUFFALO for breakfastable not because the Hooskers are playing the Buffaloes. They're playing the Demon Deacons and my ma ape said I should not eat clergy so we ate the HOOSKER RIVALS.

5. Learn your fight song!

You have to know what to sing when your team does well. Don't overdo this. There is no reason to sing/play your fight song every 2 minutes (I'm looking at YOU, USC) but do sing it liberally when you do something awesome like INTERCEPT A PASS (which my team just did.

As a new Husker fan, here is what you should sing:

There is no place like Nebraska
Dear old Nebraska U.
Where the girls are the fairest,
The boys are the squarest
Of any old school that I knew
There is no place like Nebraska
Where they're all true blue.
We'll all stick together
In all kinds of weather,
For Dear old Nebraska U!

To summarize what you have learned: GO HUSKERS! Eat snackables, and have a great Saturday!

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Blogger Katherine and Pippa said...

I'm sure the football info is very good but Ethel has an estupendo tongue, muy largo y yummy.

Hope the footie goes well.

12:02 PM  
Blogger Sophie Brador said...

Okay Wally, I have a feeling that we would be much better Sunday fans, since we know those teams and hardly know any of the Saturday teams. We also know the CFL teams, but I bet they don't even broadcast those games down when you live. That's a C for Canadian. By birthright, my ma ape has to back the Saskatchewan RoughRiders, but we live in Montreal, home of the Allouettes. I don't even know what colours they were, but the Riders where green, which is also a good political stance. But I look really good in red and like corn, so I'm going to hope for the Huskers, even though they don't play in the CFL. I bet they'd kick some football ass if they did. Except for maybe the green asses, cause those are the Rider ones. Woah, this is hard. Maybe I'm a better hockey fan.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Sophie Brador said...

Excuse the confusion on my typist's wheres/wears/and weres. She's been reading too much student writing this week. It's like osmosis!

12:31 PM  
Blogger Joe Stains said...

you are an EXCELLENT teacher, heck you should maybe coach the huskers! So far Mom hasnt even turned the TV on yet, I don't know what her problem is!

1:31 PM  
Blogger Randi said...

Golly Wally! This Footballers thing is tough! I think I'm going to start the Wally Footballer Imersion program by getting myself a football & seeing if I like step at a time, right? Maybe I could just be one of your cheerleaders? If Sophie doesn't mind, of course...she could be the captain of Wally Cheerleaders...what do you think?
Love & Licks,

2:24 PM  
Blogger Asta said...

Thank you fow that helpful infowmation..I know nothing about amewican footballI know I'd love the cheewing,and the sacks and the outfits, and with youw help,I think I'll leawn the west.

I think it would be gweat if you wowe youw cow suit..I'd chase youfow suwe,just make suwe you tell Stannny it's you and not a weal cow,cause he's manning the BBQ,heheh
smoochie kisses

4:18 PM  
Blogger Molly the Airedale said...

OH NO! My dad LOVES the NYGiants! Can we still be friends? I can't imagine life without you Wally! Please say yes!

Love ya lots,

4:34 PM  
Blogger Gus said...

Minnesota, Minnesota, Goooooooo Gophers...RAH!

4:58 PM  
Blogger Moco said...

You look great in red. I think I'll stick to professional wrestling. That football stuff belongs Peanuts hooman uncle. He gets upset if he can't watch football all day on Sunday. he likes those Steelers like Joe Stains.

5:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, Wally, since I know it's coming, I want to pre-empt it: Don't even start about Michigan and that community college from Eugene, Oregon.

(See, I'm learning to be something more than a fair-weather fan.)

7:01 PM  
Blogger Frasier said...

You would be great at telling the teams what to do!!!
I like the snackables part

7:59 PM  
Blogger Lorenza said...

I don't know about football! But sure you wrote a great guide! And of course I wish your team good luck!

9:04 PM  
Blogger Deanna said...

My folks are Sunday fans - Go Vikings!

You look great in red!

1:21 AM  
Blogger Simba and Jazzi said...

either you have the smallest telly in the world or the biggest head.

Simba xx

1:48 AM  
Blogger Amber-Mae said...

Oh I only like doggie football not hooman football becoz I'm a dog & I like kicking my tennis balls with my paws. Am I making sense here?

Love licks,
Solid Gold Dancer

7:14 AM  
Blogger Jen and Suki said...

Bwahahaha Michigan lost and Mini-sooooda won! Bring on the celebratory treats!

Mommy's NOT an NFL fan but likes college sports.

10:21 AM  
Blogger Ferndoggle said...

Uh Oh...Dad's school is one of your enemies??? I won't tell him 'cause he likes you a lot.

I promise to root for the Squeekhawks if they're not playing the Steelers. I can't do anything about the Beagles though. They're a bunch of dirty birds (no offense).


11:17 AM  
Blogger Suki & Joey said...

Those are a lot of rules, Wally, but they are very important. I didn't know much about football before, but I feel like an expert, now!

Although I think my Uncles wouldn't agree with is a Patriots fan, one is a Jets fan and one is a Bucs fan...hehehe!

Puggy kisses

4:23 PM  
Blogger Deefor said...

That was very educational. Maybe I'll check out the Broncos. I think blue and orange would look good on me.


12:13 AM  
Blogger Stanley said...


I think you should publish your football guide ~ the world would be a better place if others could learn from your wisdom & experience.

I'm guessing you know how the USC fight song sounds?? When my girl used to live in Berkeley she went to a Cal/USC game, and everytime USC played that annoying 6 measure theme song the Berkeley students would sing this to the same tune:

Is that the only song you know?
It's boring and it's slow
We really wish you'd go........

Anyway. It cracked my girl up. Thought you'd like that little piece of PAC10 trivia!

Goober love,

12:41 AM  

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