The Sporgador!!

Behold the sporgador!



Sophie La Brador has christened me with a new name: THE SPORGADOR! She recognizes my incredible fandom that has lifted the Phillies (almost) to the World Series, in addition to my considerably less successful fandom for the Seahawks and Cornhuskers that, um, may help them break even this season. She also knows that I should be the mascot of the SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS! And why? Because I look damn fine in green (yes, that is one Roughriders bananadana, courtesy of Sophie's ape):



And you should know that my sportgadorness is not limited to watching sports, I am also a participant. Here I am rassling BooDog Stuffy. He roots for the Dodgers.


But being the sporgador is not all fun and games. It is hard work. My GranNE sent me this video the other day to celebrate my hard workin' self. She said it was for Narra but I know she was thinking of me.



And I do work hard. Here's a story that my friend Sam's mom posted "Walking with shelter dogs better than friends for seniors" which is about my job as a personal trainer:

Seniors benefit more from regular walking sessions with shelter dogs than from scheduled walks with friends or a spouse. That's the finding from a study to be reported at the annual conference of the International Society for Anthrozoology that begins today in Kansas City.

I train my senior ma ape on the regular. Look at me motorin'!


To conclude the sport report with the sporgador, here I am letting the opposing team know how I feel about them:

Now let's go get us some hot dogs!

Ain't No Sunshine

It has been raining for a million days straight.

And the Cornhuskers lost to Texas Tech.

This corgador needs some cheering up.

I'm going to beg for snacks and listen to some good tunes. This is a song for my friend Narra who got her first title in herding last week.

A Battle of Good! vs. EEEEEVIL!

Today is an important battle in the war of good vs. evil, namely Nebraska vs. Colorado in football. And if you don't know which is good and which is evil YOU might be evil. For absolution sing "There is no place like Nebraska" five times. Appropriately, CU is wearing all black and the Cornhuskers are wearing all white. I found this picture on the internets, though I think my sissy and I could do a better job of taking down some buffaloes!




Imagine THIS mug in your face, stinky buffs!

But first, I have a small message for the Buff-loes!


And meet Ralphie, the CU mascot:



So my ma ape got me a little diversion for during the game--a BUFFALO BONE! Yup, a little bit of Ralphie.

So I put on the red and black bananadana from my GooberStan, put my bone on my lovely new blankie and I'm ready to root for the Huskers! Go Huskers!


Yup, tastes like victory!

In tomorrow's episode of Good vs. Evil, Kansas vs. Missouri! Do they sell Tiger bones?

A Letter to the Cornhuskers

Dear Huskers,

You all know that I am a football fan. And, in particular, I am a Cornhusker. And here is the face of a disappointed dog.

You lost. And you didn't just lose. You lost 76 to 39. To KANSAS. Now, no offense to Kansas but that is more points than Kansas scored in the entire decade of the 80s against the Huskers! (Ah, I remember it well).

So here is my yell-y coach face.


DUDES! You're embarrassing me! It's quite hard for me to trash talk when you are are stinking worse than my sissy's bum after a meal of pork and beans! So let's GET IT IN GEAR! You have TWO GAMES left. One against some goddamn wildcats and another against the Bail-postin' Buffaloes. WIN ONE FOR THE NIPPER! (I just gave myself that nickname because I nip things to herd them. Get it?)

Smoocheroonies,

Wally.

PS. I'm still available for that coaching job. But don't take too long. I hear the Philadelphia Eagles might be drawing up an offer for me, too.

Ready for some FOOOTBALL!

Yup! It's football time! The Hoooooooskers are playing #1 USC. And we had to have appropriate snackables! I listened to everyone who suggested what we should eat. Of COURSE we had to have CORN.

And Hoosker fruitable salad with red fruitables (wallymelon, strawberryables, and rasps) and white fruitables (apples and banananananas)


And vegetable Hoosker salad! With roasted red pepper and corns and black beans and cilantros and avocados.


And, of course, STEAK!


Um, is there some more in there?


Here my sissy is being supertuff like a Husker. She wants to be a Blackshirt (that's the defense). I taught her everything she knows.


I've got my jersey on!


My ma ape and I coordinated outfits.


And I've staked out the best spot on the couch.

Let's win this thing Hooskers!

Wally's Guide to (American) Football!

I have had many requests to share my wisdom about the FOOTBALLS. I am an excellent teacher. When I rescued my sissy she didn't even know about the Cornhuskers. But now she knows! And so I will share with you the keys to American Football, which mostly involve rooting for the CORNHUSKERS.

Five easy steps to being a football fan:

1. Pick your team(s).

There are two kinds of football, Saturday football and Sunday football. My ma ape prefers Saturday football but Jay ape prefers Sunday football. I like them all! You have to pick your team(s) carefully because once you have picked your team you must defend them ALWAYS and love them even when they're stupid like firing their coach to hire a dumb boob. You should never be a "fair-weather fan" that only likes your team when they win. You must be completely confident in your team's ability to beat anybody. Plus you must all sorts of important information out of your brain in order to make room for ephemera about your team like the number of championships your team won in the 90s (3) and who they beat (Florida, Miami, Tennessee).

If you do not have teams I suggest you share mine because mine, of course, are the greaterest!

Saturday Team: NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS. (By far second tier but acceptable: Washington Huskies, Mini-soda Golden Gophers, Memphis Tigers, Wisconsin Badgerers, Oregon teams). In Division IAA you can root for the Delaware Fighting Blue Hens.

Sunday Team(s): Seattle Seahawks, Philadelphia Beagles, Chicago Bears, (also acceptable: Mini-Soda Vikings, Buffalo Bills, Cleveland Browns, Pittsburgh Squealers)


2. Pick your enemies!

You also have to pick the teams you DON'T like that make you want to gnaw on their legs. Sometimes it is as much fun to root AGAINST a team as it is FOR your team. It gets complicated, however, when your haterest teams play each other. Then you have to engage in complex calculations of which team's loss would help the Huskers the most.

Saturday Rivals: Any SEC team, any Florida team, Notre Dame, Penn State, Michigan, Ohio State, COLORADO BUFFALOES, Oklahoma Sooners, USC

Here is my sissy laughing at the Notre Dame coach talking about their humiliating loss last week. I have trained her well.


I have been known to express myself a bit more crudely.

Sunday Rivals: Dallas Cowboys, Baltimore Ravens, New England Patriots, Washington Redskins, New York Giants


3. Get some gear!

You have to get all decked out for your team (so pick your team carefully to be sure the colors are flattering.) Here I am with my Husker stuff including my PERSONALIZED Husker jersey. Also, Joe Stains and his brother demonstrate some fine Stealers fan spirit here.




4. Get some grub!

The MOST IMPORTANT part of being a football fan is getting appropriate snackables. Encourage your apes to get easily spilled foodables or things they will not notice as you are filching them from the table. We also sometimes get BIG BONES to chew on, especially when we have company.

Make sure that your apes have enough beer and/or liquors to hamper their coordination. It tends to make them more prone to drop food and/or forget those other three bully sticks they have already given you.

It helps if your grub is team appropriate. For instance, as a HOOSKER fan I can eat Nebraska themed food like corn or OMAHA STEAKS or you can go with a red theme--wallymelon, cherries, strawberries, raspberries, raw meat, strawberry ice cream, wallymelon, you get the picture.

This morning I had BUFFALO for breakfastable not because the Hooskers are playing the Buffaloes. They're playing the Demon Deacons and my ma ape said I should not eat clergy so we ate the HOOSKER RIVALS.


5. Learn your fight song!

You have to know what to sing when your team does well. Don't overdo this. There is no reason to sing/play your fight song every 2 minutes (I'm looking at YOU, USC) but do sing it liberally when you do something awesome like INTERCEPT A PASS (which my team just did.

As a new Husker fan, here is what you should sing:

There is no place like Nebraska
Dear old Nebraska U.
Where the girls are the fairest,
The boys are the squarest
Of any old school that I knew
There is no place like Nebraska
Where they're all true blue.
We'll all stick together
In all kinds of weather,
For Dear old Nebraska U!

To summarize what you have learned: GO HUSKERS! Eat snackables, and have a great Saturday!

Footballin'!

What time is it? FOOTBALL TIME! That means I get out my favorite jersey. And I get to teach the NEW APE about the BIG RED.


Even sissy Ethel loves football season. And my bum--look she's totally checkin' out my fine rear here.


Is it TIME YET?


My jersey says three things. "Wally" "Huskers" and "1." That is because two things are number one--Wally and the Cornhuskers.

I was SO MAD when I heard that the Cornhuskers game was not on the teevee but then the ma ape said we could have lamb shanks to eat so that worked out ok.


And after I ate I had to practice my football. Look at me fast like a Hoosker!


Try and tackle THIS!


And a special note to my friend Gertie who is (forced to be) a Michigan Wolverines fan. It's ok to laugh at your team for losing to Appalachian State. It is a little embarrassing to lose to a team who isn't even IN your division. I won't rub it in your face. Except to say that the Delaware Blue Hens would like you to turn in your blue/yellow helmets which you have shamed.

Free Gertie

This is Gertie. She's totally cool and likes many of the same things I do, herding geese, sleeping, eating, the works. But if you look carefully at the tags you can see the trials and tribulations of wee Gertie. See, she did an excellent job finding some people. They give her shelter, delicious food, and the occasional belly scratch. Unfortunately, they feel the need to humiliate her by associating her with Michigan football, they of the whiny coach and repeated embarrassing bowl game losses (the size of their loss always in direct proportion to how much they whined about deserving to go to a better bowl game). See, here's a recap of the last time Michigan played Nebraska, the 2005 Animal Bowl. Long story short? 32-28 Cornhuskers.

I think you would look as good as I do in Red, Gertie, so you might consider:



Hell, even THIS would be less humiliating:

sad day in wally world

so the cornhuskers lost the cotton bowl and my naked apes lost yet another day of their lives watching football. alas.

here mr. swift is making an heroic catch. in the background it appears coach callahan is goose stepping. hmmm. here are the many emotions of wally:


anxious. will the cornhuskers win? will i get choice snacks? will they notice if i dive head first into the guacamole?


angry. does the cornhusker coach have money on auburn or what? and what do you mean we're out of guac?
the sadness sets in. 17-14. alas. but tomorrow is another day. and another opportunity for snacks.