Send help, Please!

We all know what a hopeless trollop my ma ape is, falling in love with every dog she meets at the SPCA. But today she has fallen head over heels for a hopeless brute. With floogers on his face.


She cannot resists the dudes with big heads and jowls. (Note: this picture makes him look MUCH smaller than he is. He's probably 180=200 pounds).

His feet are roughly the size of me. I could use his jowls as a blanket.

It's time for an intervention on the ma ape. STOP HER before she ADOPTS AGAIN! (More SPCA Saturday ahead...)

A Musical Interlude

I love many things. Two things I love are the music of Neko Case and Doggy Rescue. So put them together and you get all kinds of awesome! Neko is helping Best Friends by raising money while promoting her new album. Listen here and then put it on your blog and her label will donate $5 to Best Friends! Ha-roooooooo!

People Got A Lotta Nerve - Neko Case



And thanks to The Brat Pack for the link!

Animal Newz

Sometimes you naked apes have good ideas. And other times you have bad ones. Mostly bad ones. Here are two stories from this week about naked apes and the animal kingdom. And I will leave it to you to decide who is at the top of the evolutionary scale.


From CNN, here's a story about how the British Kennel Club is overhauling their breed standards to ensure better health for the dog-a-boos, especially the English Boo-dog who has been bred to have such exaggeratedly large heads that they can't give vaginal birth and their wrinkles are so bad they can't breathe. Gosh, setting standards on health rather than impossible and dangerous aesthetic standards? Preposterous! Now, when can we get around to doing the same for naked ape ladies?

Story #2 is about the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals who have decided to launch a campaign to rename fish SEA KITTENS. Ahem:

A lot of people don't realize that fish are capable of feeling fear and pain, that they develop relationships with each other, and even show affection by gently rubbing against one another," says Ashley Byrne, PETA's sea kitten campaign co-ordinator. "Knowing that the fish sticks in the school cafeteria are really made out of tortured sea kittens makes most kids want to lose their lunch."

While the depletion of fish in the world is a serious problem, PETA has once again managed to minimize a serious problem in a shameless orgy of self-promotion. Well done! On a stupid scale from Dubya to Lobotomized Squirrel, I give this a Sarah Palin!

And had I known I was eating goddamn cats, er, goddamn sea kittens, all along I would have enjoyed it much more. NOM NOM!

Seein' Red!

Look at me! I'm red all over! Not cuz I'm mad but because I'm so happy that my favorite Big Red Cornhusker, Ndamukong Suh (his name is SUH/how do YOU do?) is coming back to play for the Huskers next year! Yay! He's totes awesome and we're built a lot alike, see! And last season he intercepted TWO passes and returned them for TOUCHDOWNS just like I'm always stealing toys from long-legged sibs and RUNNING AWAY!

I also have to get all the red out of my system today because this weekend it is ALL GREEN! See, my Eagles are going to Joe Stains country to play the Air-head-zona Cardi-nots. Here is my favorite Eagle, Correll Buckhalter, who played for the Huskers! He's dancing a jig! And he runs fast, like me!


Mad props on the fancy photeration to Mr. J Ape who has a big heart just like me! E-A-G-L-E-S EEEEEEEEEEEAGLES!

And for a little musical interlude, here's Johnny Cash singing his hit A Boy Named Suh:

Dr. Wally Is On Call!

So some of you have been expressing concern about my ma ape but I assure you there is no need. Here is the state of my ma ape's health:

No, she is not actually a horse (though she has a very horsey robust hind ends), she is healthy as a horse. Well, other than the mysterious stomach ailment last Thursday night which may or may not be traceable to the kisses I gave her after eating my chicken back.

No, my ape who is feeling a bit poorly is the J Ape, the one with the nice camera that takes loverly photos of me. Since J Ape is behind the camera I don't have a picture so let's just pretend this is J Ape.

The J Ape has been having ticker problems. I am working on a theory that he has been jealous of the attention I have received on account of my ticker problems and, of course, he wants to be cool like me so he is making his heart too big, too. Dr. Wally's diagnosis: JELLY (of Wally).

It is not easy for those of us with the Big Hearts and Soulful Eyes:


I do quite good work with the medical diagnoses. For example here is my sissy:

She is fine physically, if a bit long in the legs, but she also suffers a bit from ADD inasmuch as she has some problems paying attention and it leads her to pace endlessly and lose her toys to her snotty baby brudder. Dr. Wally's Diagnosis: JELLY (of Wally.)

Here is Baby Brudder Oscar. While he is passed out in the grass here, he is fine--if a bit on the thin and leggy side--at least on the outside. Inside that head? There be dragons. This dog is loopy. Dr. Wally's Diagnosis: JELLY (of Wally).


I am certain that any national health care program will include the services of Dr. Wally. In addition to my mad skillz diagnosing I can also do a laying on of paws that will surely cure whatever ails you. Except the Wallyjelly, because I know that I am a lot to live up to. But remember, you do not need to make your heart big to be like the Wally. Just 23 hours a day of napping (with snoring), copious snackeroonies, and sibling bossery should do the trick!

SPCA Saturday: A Notice from the Blog Owner

This week's SPCA Saturday has been postponed due to ape-based complications. We will return to your regularly scheduling posting as soon as possible.

In the meantime I watching football and eating snacks. In honor of the SPCA dogs, you know.