Friday, May 04, 2007

Hey! Queen Liz!

The Queen
is in the States had has not requested an audience with The Wally??!? What's up with that? Well, since I am sure she is an avid reader of my blog I wanted to share the following:

1) Did you bring the corgis? And if so--let my people go! We're dogs of the people. And while we are appropriately overlords of the ape world it is because of our amazing intelligence and talent and not because we belong to a (slightly inbred) bloodline.

2) I see you are being escorted by the Cheneys. Whatever you do DON'T GO HUNTING.

3. How did you come to the U.S. without giving a lift to my pal Marvin who has been working hard to get to Kansas to join the Army of Four. Aren't you there to serve your people??? I know he is a proud Scottish lad but you do your share of squatting in the Scottish countryside--give a dog a break!

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How to Eat a Frosty Paw

As the weather has gotten warmer here has been much discussion of Frosty Paws, including by Sophie La Brador who has never even had one (what, are you from Canada or something?). So I thought I would give a lesson on How To Eat Frosty Paws (the key: as fast as possible).

And don't forget to pop over to Nanook's blog. He posted a recipe for Frosty Paws that sounds DELICIOUS, especially since actual FPs are ridiculously expensive (more than ape ice cream!)

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The Dog Responds

I would like to deliver the doggie's response to the Republican debates last night. In my message you will hear my platform on the situation in Darfur, a brief discussion of Heidegger's analysis of the hand, and my most important statement "GIMME THAT FROSTY PAW!"


A Dog's Life

I couldn't blog yesterday because I had so many things I HAD to do. I'm one busy dude. Here are some of the things I do when I am not blogging or chatting.

I gave myself a bath.

I maxed and relaxed in the grass.

I made terrifying faces (and played tug with a stick).

I chased my sissy!

We dined al fresco.

Someone says our meaty bones are too stinky to eat in the house. Whatever. I would totally buy meaty smell air fresheners. Except then I'd be drooling all the time.

I did not watch the Republicans debate because I have more important things to do like peeing on things and sleeping. Also, your ape politics will be rendered meaningless after the corgador/chimp uprising.

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Wednesday, May 02, 2007

April Showers Bring May Flowers

Look, I'm gardening.


Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Mission Still Accomplished

Remember this? Four years ago today. Thank goodness that business is behind us, eh?

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Talking Heads

My ma ape spends some of her day giving boring lectures. Here I am pretending I am my ma ape pontificating on whatever boring thing she is yammering about. Can you dogs tell what I'm saying?


Dancing Queen

Maggie just reminded me I forgot the most important part of my exercise routine. RRRRRRRRUMPSHAKIN'!


No Mere Mortal!

Blood tests back and according to the vet I "had the results of a 2-year old dog." It's like that movie Cocoon where the old people going swimming in the pool with alien pods and have their youthful vigor returned. Except I don't swim that much. Or know any aliens. Ok, really it's nothing like the movie but I am one awesome old man!

My pal Peanut asked the secret to my success so I'll share some of it. For my ticker I don't take any prescription meds. I DO take some supplements:

Vetri-Science Cardio-Strength (2x daily)
Vetri-Science CoEnzyme Q10

I ALSO have some arfritis problems including spondylosis in my spine which is overgrowth of bony tissue that can lead to fusion of the vertebrae. This is not uncommon in long-backed dogs.

So I also take Dog Gone Pain. I might also start some Fido Wobenzyme on the recommendation of Miss Sunshade. My back isn't SO bad. I had a bad episode once and I have to do some stretchin' in the morning but I'm doing pretty well, joints-wise.

Here is my workout regime:

7/8 hours per day Napping
6/7 hours sleep at night
1+hours walking with regular marking (vary leg raised to avoid muscle imbalance)
1+ hour begging from the apes for food and attention (should include warm-up of sad eyes and plenty of ab work sucking in the belly to look skinnier)
30 minutes rampaging (circuit training including stuffy work [pouncing and shaking])
15 minutes WWFing (ie, rasslin' with sissy)
1 hour/day sunning my belly
1 hour/day blogging
1-2 minutes eating (chewing optional)
30 minutes bully chewing
30 minutes barking at neighbor, neighbor's dog, mail carrier, and random passersby

The most important secret: Loads and loads of spoiling.

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Monday, April 30, 2007

Dog Show!

My apes went to a dog show this weekend, just to browse. My ma ape is a bit of slut. She'll pet and coo over any dog. No dignity at all. She showed me some of the pictures (and assured me that I'm still the prettiest).

Here's a greyhound hangin' out with the greyhound rescues. She thought my sissy might like him because he was hella tall and skinny. I told her to shut it--my sissy is one man woman and that man is MaxyV (though, truth be told, she actually is totally devoted to the Cult of the Tennis Ball.)

Look! Someone put these corgis in jail. They must have been naughty.

And look! Labs in jail! I wonder what they did? It may have involved the corgis (and making CORGADORS). At least I hope so.

And my ma ape took a picture of this which she thought was funny--the international canine semen bank. There were dogs outside waiting--for deposits or withdrawals I don't know. I don't even wanna know... (Actually I do. And I bet there's a website somewhere that will show you for $9.95/hour.)

These pictures are all well and good but I suspect my ma ape is hiding something. There has been some whispering "NeoMastiffBigWrinklyDogDroolyJowlsBigFeet" I'm worried. My ma ape has been pining for a dog she saw in rescue and I'm afraid that seeing one of these beasts at the show has made her intolerably whiny about it. I know there's incriminating evidence SOMEwhere.


V-E-T is DONE!

Yup, we made it through our vet visit with flying colors. We hadn't been there in a LONG time which was a big change from the tumultuous previous year (vet visits included: new sissy, spondylosis in Wally's sexyback, a return visit after overdose on painkiler, and a bum ticker!)

The doctor said my sissy appears to be in perfect health! Except for a nasty case of Goofy Tongue.

I am a bit worried she may have caught some Doofusism from Joe's bro. Can that be transmitted on the Internets?

As for ME it was a great visit! We'll have to wait for the blood tests to come back tomorrow (I have to get a SENIOR wellness check. Who's the senior citizen here? Hmmm? Does this look like a senior to you? I bet I'd get carded buying cigarettes!) But I appeared to be in great shape. This comes as a big relief to the apes. For those of you new to my blog I had a big health scare last year. I went in for my checkup/shots and the doc went to listen to my heart and while he was listening he gave my ma ape a look that is best translated as "Duuuuuuuuuuuuude." It was not good. My heart was murmuring (and not just murmuring undying love for Studly D and Samantha!) and had an arrythmia. I had to go to the card-e-ologist who took pictures of my heart which was TOO BIG (I could have told you that--I have so much love). The card-e-ologist thought I might be about to go into congestive heart failure and would probably start a slow (or fast) decline. WRONG DR. HEART! I went back a month better--arrythmia gone. I came back a year later and--arrythmia gone, murmur, barely noticeable, just a whisper "Saaaaaaaam". I FIXED MYSELF. No prescription meds, just a little hawthorne, a little cardi-strength and lots of love. Now, I still do sometimes have some heart problems if I overexert myself and periodically it flares up but it has not gotten progressively worse--my ma ape listens on her stethoscope and there has been no change for the worse. I'm a miracle, you might say. I'm relieved. I was afraid they might have to put in a pacemaker and I'd be like the VP and have to start shooting people in the face as a way to keep myself alive without a heart. But NOPE. I'm a miracle baby (pending blood results tomorrow).

Look at this face! I look so young I could be mistaken for Nanook's wee brother, eh?

I should give a shout-out to Miss Sunshade who has sent me some wonderful info on medicine and Buko, Narra & Jacks's ape who photocopied articles from Whole Dog Journal AND spent much of last weekend bribing me to be nice to him with loads of snacks. And, while he IS responsible for making them go to a dog show and look at other dogs at least he gave them DELICIOUS STINKY FISH SNACKS to give to me. Mmmmm.

Maybe I should write a self-help health book? Step One: Find apes to spoil the heck out of you! (But you guys out there already know this!)

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Monday Morning Faces

It's Monday. It's morning. And I had to go to the v-e-t for my shots! Here are some grimaces appropriate for the occasion:

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Sunday, April 29, 2007

Winin' and Cheesin'

When I was not chattin' this weekend I was PARTYIN' DOWN!

We got some Flying Dog Beer. (I know it was Wine and Cheese but, you know.) I was disappointed that our mixed pack did not include "In Heat Wheat."

My sissy Ethel was interested in the beer as well.

And here's our spread! We invited over the ape that belongs to Buko, Narra, and Jacks and had wine and cheese and hummus and grapes and...

I decided to check out the wine. We had two flavors. Rabid Red and Mad Dogs and Englishmen.

When I make this face you know I've had enough.

Let's have more pawties!

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