for goat's sake

my auntie ira in sweden sent me this story about the christmas goat of gavle. every year they erect a giant goat of straw and wood and then spend the season trying to protect it from vandals who try to burn/tear it down. it is a classic struggle between good and evil (though it has become unclear which is which) with the fate of the goat hanging in the balance. this year, the goat survived and it has been ferreted away to a secret location.

hmmmmm, if this is one of their greatest conflicts, i think the swedes have it a little too good. perhaps they need to dismantle their universal health care and get bogged down in pre-emptive strikes abroad. though in last year's u.n. quality of life index, norway topped the list. maybe they should invade those norweigian bastards.


the 2005 goat.
the 2006 goat (fireproofed).

new drug for fat cats, er, dogs

the guvment has just approved the first diet drug for dogs so now americans can extend their national neuroses to their pets!

journalists have not hesitated to report the news and to make ridiculous puns about chubby dogs:



WASHINGTON - Is your hound round? Too much flab on your Lab? Is your husky, well, husky? A new drug may provide some help.

The government approved the first drug for obese canines on Friday. Called Slentrol, the Pfizer Inc. drug is aimed at helping fat Fidos shed extra pounds.

Here's how the drug works:

The liquid drug appears to reduce the amount of fat a dog can absorb. It also seems to trigger a feeling of satiety or fullness, according to the FDA.

Well that sounds fantastic! 1) reduce your dog's ability to absorb fat (which will, of course, have to be eliminated from the body--remember the naked ape drug orlistat, now with more anal leakage!?!) and 2) artificially induces a feeling of fullness (even though, unlike naked apes, we have absolutely no control over our food supply and thus lack your "will power" problems. which is good because i do have minimal will power)

dunno. i'd be inclined to say that a fat dog could probably benefit more from an extra walk or two rather than ramming pharmaceuticals down its throat, particularly since the procedures to approve pet pharmas are much less rigorous than those for the naked apes (and we know how careful they are with that--vioxx, now with more heart attacks!) i guess this is the logical next step in the ever-expanding world of consumerism. you naked apes spend billions of dollars a year on pets, sometimes on good stuff (our nutritional needs, squeaky toys, tennis balls, health spas and bully sticks) and a lot of times on vanity items that are merely a projection of your own desires and anxieties--like handbags to carry your dogs (who are not legless) in, designer clothes, earrings for dogs, and neuticles. i guess it only stands to reason that eventually you would extend your other national obsession--dieting--onto your pets!

i say take me for a walk and then give me that bully!

dapper wally

"

all the cool dog blogs (and hamsterrier blogs!) are doing it--pimping your picture. some of my mawma's friends say i remind them of winston churchill (probably my calmness under pressure) so this is my close approximation.

loving ewe...

i could make puns about this all day but i'm feeling a little sheepish.

scientists in oregon try to turn rams into ex-gays:

Scientists are conducting experiments to change the sexuality of "gay" sheep in a programme that critics fear could pave the way for breeding out homosexuality in humans.

The technique being developed by American researchers adjusts the hormonal balance in the brains of homosexual rams so that they are more inclined to mate with ewes.

Approximately one ram in 10 prefers to mount other rams rather than mate with ewes, reducing its value to a farmer. Initially, the publicly funded project aimed to improve the productivity of herds.

Professor Charles Roselli, the Health and Science University biologist leading the research, defended the project.

He said: "In general, sexuality has been under-studied because of political concerns. People don't want science looking into what determines sexuality.

"It's a touchy issue. In fact, several studies have shown that people who believe homosexuality is biologically based are less homophobic than people who think that this orientation is acquired."

on the one hand, i suppose this does lend credence to the idea that sexual orientation has a biological basis, though i'd imagine that human sexuality is slightly more complicated than sheep sex (or, at least, you like to talk about it all the time and make it far more complicated than it needs to be). on the other hand, if they de-gay the rams, who will decorate the barns???

ok, all joking aside, here's a more objective look at this research that puts it in the context of research on animal sexuality. you dirty perverts.

jumping for joy!

here i am playing jumping games but i'm so springy i leap out of the frame!


up!

up!


and away!

yes, madame speaker

i heard today on the cnn that a lady is in charge of the house. this was news to me because there has always been a lady in charge of OUR house. (my mawma wears the pants by default. my legs are too short and i trip over the pant legs and my sis ethel doesn't like to wear clothes.) but then my mawma explained to me that it means she gets to be in charge of the house of representatives which is different from my house. it has more gasbags and graft. but my mawma also said speaker pelosi is two heartbeats away from the presidency. (dear homeland security: that was an observation, not a suggestion. please do not send me to gitmo, thank you). score one for us feminists!

when bad things happen to good dogs.

miss sunshade the superdale posted info about the urban puppy shop in vancouver. i'm far away but i'm still burning mad. they neglected two dogs in their care and now refuse to help cover expenses and--surprise!--they sell puppies from puppy mills. you can read about shelby and morgan's ordeal here. they include tv clips about the shop and their negligence and arrogance.

since i'm far away and can't do much about this particular case, i'm going to steal a little piece of advice from miss sunshade about how to prevent this kind of thing from happening:

Adopt or get your puppy from a rescue association or reputable breeder - by buying from pet stores, you are supporting the puppy mill operation

and, for dog's sake, dogs are not commodities. never trust anyone who looks at dogs as wealth creating machines.

the present patrol

since my birthday is a little over a month away (good thing we have the AWESOME dogs with blogs calendar--thanks boo!) i thought i would help you with present ideas by showing you some of my favorite toys from the holiday season. see--the loofah dog!


mawma thinks it's funny to have a longbacked dog play with a longbacked dog toy. i don't get it. but i do love to bite him in the head.


loofah dogs are fun for playing tug BUT, to give you a toy review, i would only give it one star for durability. i don't know how that dachshund in the petsmart commercial keeps his boo so long because mine start coming apart immediately. before i start trying to pull out the stuffing, even.


it is also fun to bite the butt because it makes a squeaky sound. and butt biting is generally fun. the only drawback to the loofah toy is that it leads my mawma to make all sorts of loofah/felafel jokes about bill o'reilly, and while i will eat cat poop, roll in dead things, and stick my nose into other dogs' bums, billo sexually harassing his employees via the phone is just beyond the pale. if i met him i would bite him in the butt until he squealed, too.


look, it's the beast with two butts! (almost a shakespeare reference!)

max is top dog.

in dog news, max was the most popular dog name in new york city (it's not nearly as catchy as maximillian the valiant, max-the-v to friends, i have to say). and mutts the most popular dog. the names wally and ethel were not on the list for some reason. perhaps because, like madonna or cher, once a name is attached to an icon it's really not fair to make another dog live up to the standard set.

NEW YORK (AP) — Max has collared the title of top dog name in New York City again.

Lucky fetched second spot. Princess took third, and hot on her tail were Rocky and Buddy, leaving the Top 5 names unchanged from 2004.

Mixed breeds, with 7,374 new licenses, outnumbered other varieties in 2005. They were followed by Labrador retrievers. Pit bulls and Shih Tzus captured the third and fourth places, clawing their way up from fourth and fifth the year before. German shepherds were the fifth most popular breed, down from third place.

my sister thinks i'm god

you can see my sister look to heaven for guidance.


and you can see over her left shoulder is a picture of her savior.

you can see in her eyes that she is filled with the spirit. if you would like to join the church of wally it's pretty easy. i require regular tithing of tasty snacks. and st. wally will regularly perform the miracle of making his dinner disappear and also turning loaves and fishes into poo.

two peas in a pod

It's very hard to get me and my sister together for a picture. (my mawma says it has something to do with my big head--literally and metaphorically --but i just don't like showing my sis up).


but last night was chilly so we decided to share a bed.


yup, we're cute.

what global warming?

while some of my pals out west have been peeing on piles of snow, here on the east coast we're still unseasonably warm--and supposed to be in the 60s next weekend! that means it's nice outside for a dog. no chilly toes. (or bellies for us vertically challenged canines).

no leaves on the trees but the grass is still green. my sister ethel runs fast!


this is so not funny,mawma. (ps. the ground is brown from pine needles NOT my wee which i believe is a life giving substance. that's why i leave so many pee-mails).


my sister runs so fast she is always blurry!


we had three hawks circling our yard! my mawma said they smelled old man (more like old LADY, mawma, if you were a lady).


here we are patrolling the yard. we do a good job. we have had exactly 0 lion attacks this year.

here i protect us from robbie, our vicious neighbor who is constantly trying to eat my sister ethel. i know he's a 12-year old miniature poodle but i've seen the way he looks at her.

new year's revolutions

i've been tagged by buster! according to the rules i must make five new year's resolutions and then tag five of my friends.

here are my revolutions:

1. i resolve to not lose any weight this year. not a pound. i might even pack on one or two.

2. i resolve to clean my plate at every meal. and my sister's. and my mawma's. and mr jay's.

3. i resolve to be nicer on my leash (just like buster) so long as the treats keep coming.

4. i resolve not to lose the camera again so that i can keep blogging.

5. i resolve to keep blogging because someone needs to document the naked ape incompetence so that when the revolution comes we will remember, four legs good, two legs bad!

here are my sister ethel's revolutions:

1. i resolve to catch that damn squirrel who torments me so from the storied heights of the power lines

2. i resolve to eat my dinner faster so wally doesn't stand over me and watch asking "areyoudonewiththat?areyougonnaeatthat?areyoudonewiththat?"

3. i resolve to chase every tennis ball that enters the air in my vicinity

4. i resolve to gain weight so my brother quits singing "skinny minny kate moss/could use her as tooth floss"

5. i resolve to give all my snacks to wally (hey--he took the keyboard back!)

and tag you're it: sid, studly dudley, miss sunshade, boo, tin tin

new year, new snacks

i requested some of my traditional foods for new year's and i got them! as a native of the northwest my natural diet consists of smoky salmon and starbuck's frappucinos. i was treated to the former but not the latter.


here i inspect the package. i approve.

my sister and i sample it up close and personal. we approve!

sad day in wally world

so the cornhuskers lost the cotton bowl and my naked apes lost yet another day of their lives watching football. alas.

here mr. swift is making an heroic catch. in the background it appears coach callahan is goose stepping. hmmm. here are the many emotions of wally:


anxious. will the cornhuskers win? will i get choice snacks? will they notice if i dive head first into the guacamole?


angry. does the cornhusker coach have money on auburn or what? and what do you mean we're out of guac?
the sadness sets in. 17-14. alas. but tomorrow is another day. and another opportunity for snacks.