Thursday, December 14, 2006

the all-time greatest!

it may surprise you that the title of the post does not refer to me, though it is equally applicable to the wally. no, i am referring to espn's "all time greatest college football playoff" i was so excited to see that nebraska is BOTH teams in the final! and the outcome? the 1995 cornhuskers crush the 1971 cornhuskers 82 to 18 (thats percent of the vote). yup, all time greatest! and it surely is not a comment on the social ineptitude of cornhusker fans that they had nothing better to do than repeatedly vote in an espn poll! go hooskers!

christmas tag!

i've been tagged by buster! according to buster, here are the rules:

The Rules: The player of this game starts with "3 things he/ she would love to get for Christmas" and also has to list "3 things he/ she definitely does not want to get for Christmas". Then he/she tags 5 friends and list their names. The ones who get tagged need to write on their blogs about their Christmas wishes, as well as state this rule clearly, then tag 5 more victims. And the one who tags need to leave a comment that says "you've been Christmas tagged!" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

so, heres my lists.

3 things i definitely want for christmas

1) mocha the screaming chocolate lab. (he's my pal at the park that i hardly ever seen anymore but i do love him so. put him in my stocking!)
2) a salmon and sweet potato cake
3) three more wishes
4) bully sticks
5) a reasonable and just solution to the turmoil in the middle east enabling peaceful co-existence.
6) more bully sticks

3 things i definitely DONT want:

1) neuticles.
2) a brother. i have learned from joe stains that brothers are doofuses and steal your toys and attention.
3) a goddamn cat.

now i have to go tagging!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

another corgador!

i already had a corgador for today but who can have just one! check out little krumb, a handsome devil living in virginia. they don't give much information about him other than that he's a boy. and clearly part of the greatest breed on earth, the corgador!

today's corgador!

this handsome devil is bert, who currently lives in maryland. i can highly recommend rescues from maryland because my sister ethel was once one! bert is said to have a brother named ernie (do they bathe together and wear matching stripey sweaters?) but i couldn't find him on his website which may mean that ernie has found a home. and what is more sad than a lonely bert? so someone go get him! his short legs and stumpy legs are irresistible. read this description:

Bert is extremely gentle, and loves to be handled. Most things are new to Bert that involve schooling, but an inclination to trust and nuzzle is old hat to this funny guy. He will be a joy to train, and his adopter(s) can expect him to bring his native innocence, faith, and reliance on people to his new home.

livin' large in bombay

i recently came across this story about a dog food delivery service in India:

MUMBAI, India - Mumbai's fussy high-society dogs can now feast on gourmet cuisine specially adapted to their individual tastes and delivered to their homes.

More than 500 people have signed up for the Home-Care Dog Food service that caters to canines in Mumbai, India's booming financial and entertainment capital, said the owner of the business, Wasiff Khan.

"They tell us about their dog's likes, dislikes, allergies, and we come up with a meal plan for the month," Khan said.

Owners' habits are also taken into account, said Khan. On Hindu holidays when people do not eat meat for religious reasons, their dogs go vegetarian too

what a great idea! unfortunately I tried to place an order to have a meal ordered but they told me i was out of their delivery area. i suspect they couldn't fit my whole order on that little scooter.

the ethics of bully sticks

jon katz has a new column on slate. he usually writes about dogs but this time he wrote about his bull named elvis. apparently mr katz has become some sort of dilettante farmer, with all kinds of animals he keeps around for non-commercial purposes. anyway, elvis got lonely so they got him a girl (like joe stains and his love of doofus--haha!) the story is pretty touching, though it definitely caninizes* the cattles which made me had mixed feelings about chomping down on my bully stick. (for those unfamiliar with the bully stick, it comes from a bull. and only bulls. ahem.) i even had mixed feelings about wanting a t-bone steak.

some selections:

I was surprised at my own considerable affection for him. We had some sweetly peaceful moments, with me scratching his side while he bellowed softly. When I came out in the morning, he was always waiting for me, and same thing just before dusk, when I made my final rounds. Sometimes he would put his gargantuan head on my shoulder and drool great globs on my shirt, or lower his nose nearly to the ground so that I could scratch his massive head. His sweet spot is right on the top of it, and a few scratches calm him instantly. I never imagined that I could love a steer.


Elvis was beside himself with joy. He sniffed Luna, and then the two of them took off, frisking around the pasture. I'm not sure what a happy pair of cows ought to look like, exactly, but these two seemed quite pleased to meet. Elvis literally kicked up his heels. His manners improved. He was disarmingly sweet. When the good green hay—second cut—was brought out, he let Luna get the first chomp before shoulder-butting her halfway across the meadow. When it was time for grain, he stood at one end of the trough, she at the other until their heads and noses met in the middle.

*Vocabulary: caninize (v): to attribute canine-like properties to. for example: intelligence, charm, wit, good looks, and general loveableness. antonym: humanize (v): to attribute human-like properties to. for example: being self-centered and hideously hairless.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

let the trash talkin' begin

on january 1, the cornhooskers will be playing the auburn whore-eagles in the cottom bowl and i'd like to get a head start on the trash talking. the whore-eagles have been embroiled in a minor scandal over the fact that their athletes can apparently obtain degrees without ever actually attending classes and sometimes have their grades changed by persons other than the those teaching the courses. but they've decided not to do anything about it.

Auburn University does not plan to forward information from an internal audit to the National Collegiate Athletic Association, a university spokesman said. The audit showed that a grade for a scholarship athlete was changed without the knowledge of the student’s professor. A New York Times article published Sunday showed that the grade was changed from an incomplete to an A in the final semester, allowing the athlete to graduate.

In that semester, the student received A’s in four classes that did not require attendance. The grade change was made without the permission of the professor, who did not recall even meeting the student, and it nudged the student’s grade-point average above the 2.0 needed to graduate.

i've been trying to come up with a catchy chant for the football game. my options so far:

"hey hey, ho ho, your academic standards are mighty low!"

"your university accreditation is a scam!"

"even a goddamn cat could graduate from auburn!"

hmmm. nothing catchy yet. perhaps mocking their academic credentials is not the way to go. i'll keep working on it.

and the dog in the picture is obviously not me and i don't even know him but i saw his picture on the internets. handsome guy, eh?

the gift for the dog who has everything (and wants more)

that's my angry face. and what am i angry about? well, my good friend katem (who gives killer belly rubs, though i'm still mad at her that she calls another dog "the cutest dog in the world" on her blog. kate, i thought we had something special?) sent me this list of suggestions for pet presents from the seattle times. it includes: prescription lenses, nail clippers, a heated dog bed, an f'in cat genie (and the genie makes their poop disappear but not the cat itself! why would you get rid of the only part that's worth keeping around?), a "bark free" gadget that emits an ultrasonic sound if the dog barks, an aquarium, and a pet ionizer (cleans the air, i guess, and does not actually 'ionize' your pet. that sounded scary).

well, nice job blowing it, seattle times. first, you might notice that we cannot eat a single one of these gifts. there's not a bully stick, salmon and sweet potato cake, or raw cow bone on this list. and nail clippers? genius--let's give as a PRESENT one of a dog's LEAST FAVORITE things. great! how would YOU like to receive, say, preparation h in your stocking, jerk? and a bark preventer? great, how 'bout i hook you up to something that gives YOU an electric shock every time you say something asinine? this makes me think, this is a list written for naked apes and not for pets. in other words, yet another example of the naked apes putting themselves first. (evolution, shmevolution, you're just glorified, ugly chimps!)

there are only two items on the list i can give limited endorsement to. one is the heated pet bed. i have a heated bed called "the naked ape bed." my mawma sleeps in one spot and warms it up and then i get into her bed, nudge her out of the way and curl up in the spot she has pre-heated. it's sweet. they also recommend the "talking treatball." my mawma got me one of these when i had separation anxiety. she thought maybe if i had a toy that dispensed treats AND had her voice recorded on it, i might not be so scared. HA! first, it was made of smooth, hard plastic which made it of marginal interest to me anyway. and it rolled away far too easily which only led to frustration. second, the voice recording sounded creepy. the one thing that made me laugh and laugh was that when we would bump it, it would give the recorded message--Hi Wally, you're stinky!--and it creeped the heck out of the other naked ape that I own (mr. jay). seriously, he'd get the willies (different from the wallies). it was hi-la-rious.

in conclusion, holiday presents should not involve 1) anything from which naked apes derive pleasure 2) anything we hate (nail clipping, goddamn cats, behavior modification tools, anything that prevents us from being the center of attention like fuzzy little puppies) 3) humiliating clothing items.

holiday presents SHOULD include 1) things i can eat 2) things i can eat and then steal my sister ethel's portion 3) squeaky toys, preferably pre-worn because it is easier to tear their "heart" (squeakers) out 4) tennis balls, preferably pre-soaked with drool (they're tastier) 5) did i mention food? 6) a chocolate lab for me to chase

that is my holiday gift-giving guide.

ignorance IS bliss

apparently scientists have discovered that hunger makes you smarter:

A team led by Tamas Horvath, chairman of Yale’s comparative medicine program, had been analyzing the pathways followed in mouse brains by ghrelin, a hormone produced by the stomach lining, when the stomach is empty. To the scientists’ surprise, they found that ghrelin was binding to cells not just in the primitive part of the brain that registers hunger (the hypothalamus) but also in the region that plays a role in learning, memory and spatial analysis (the hippocampus).

The researchers then put mice injected with ghrelin and control mice through a maze and other intelligence tests. In each case, the biochemically “hungry” mice — mice infused with ghrelin — performed notably better than those with normal levels of the hormone. The finding was startling, but “it makes sense,” Horvath says. “When you are hungry, you need to focus your entire system on finding food in the environment.” In fact, some biologists believe that human intelligence itself evolved because it made early hominids more effective hunters, gathers and foragers.

i know a LOT about hunger because i am ALWAYS hungry. as soon as the food is out of my bowl i start lurking around my sister's. whenever anyone is eating, my salivary glands are working overtime. this does explain my above-genius intelligence. however, before you naked apes get any bright ideas about starving me (i'm practically there) and making me write your papers, join the iraq study group, etc. just keep in mind, it is only my partially full belly that stands between you and total corgador domination. if get any smarter it is only a matter of time before i achieve my goal of a canine coup and subject you to my iron will. so keep the snacks coming if you know what's good for you.