the gift for the dog who has everything (and wants more)

that's my angry face. and what am i angry about? well, my good friend katem (who gives killer belly rubs, though i'm still mad at her that she calls another dog "the cutest dog in the world" on her blog. kate, i thought we had something special?) sent me this list of suggestions for pet presents from the seattle times. it includes: prescription lenses, nail clippers, a heated dog bed, an f'in cat genie (and the genie makes their poop disappear but not the cat itself! why would you get rid of the only part that's worth keeping around?), a "bark free" gadget that emits an ultrasonic sound if the dog barks, an aquarium, and a pet ionizer (cleans the air, i guess, and does not actually 'ionize' your pet. that sounded scary).

well, nice job blowing it, seattle times. first, you might notice that we cannot eat a single one of these gifts. there's not a bully stick, salmon and sweet potato cake, or raw cow bone on this list. and nail clippers? genius--let's give as a PRESENT one of a dog's LEAST FAVORITE things. great! how would YOU like to receive, say, preparation h in your stocking, jerk? and a bark preventer? great, how 'bout i hook you up to something that gives YOU an electric shock every time you say something asinine? this makes me think, this is a list written for naked apes and not for pets. in other words, yet another example of the naked apes putting themselves first. (evolution, shmevolution, you're just glorified, ugly chimps!)

there are only two items on the list i can give limited endorsement to. one is the heated pet bed. i have a heated bed called "the naked ape bed." my mawma sleeps in one spot and warms it up and then i get into her bed, nudge her out of the way and curl up in the spot she has pre-heated. it's sweet. they also recommend the "talking treatball." my mawma got me one of these when i had separation anxiety. she thought maybe if i had a toy that dispensed treats AND had her voice recorded on it, i might not be so scared. HA! first, it was made of smooth, hard plastic which made it of marginal interest to me anyway. and it rolled away far too easily which only led to frustration. second, the voice recording sounded creepy. the one thing that made me laugh and laugh was that when we would bump it, it would give the recorded message--Hi Wally, you're stinky!--and it creeped the heck out of the other naked ape that I own (mr. jay). seriously, he'd get the willies (different from the wallies). it was hi-la-rious.

in conclusion, holiday presents should not involve 1) anything from which naked apes derive pleasure 2) anything we hate (nail clipping, goddamn cats, behavior modification tools, anything that prevents us from being the center of attention like fuzzy little puppies) 3) humiliating clothing items.

holiday presents SHOULD include 1) things i can eat 2) things i can eat and then steal my sister ethel's portion 3) squeaky toys, preferably pre-worn because it is easier to tear their "heart" (squeakers) out 4) tennis balls, preferably pre-soaked with drool (they're tastier) 5) did i mention food? 6) a chocolate lab for me to chase

that is my holiday gift-giving guide.