wally's war on christmas

fox news has uncovered a vast conspiracy they call the war on christmas. perhaps this war is merely a front in the war to sell half-cocked books by their nutjob commentators, or a way for bill orally to fill up time with something other than his phone sex transcripts. i'm skeptical that anyone is actually interfering with anyone else's enjoyment of the holiday season or their ability to celebrate the religiously-themed holiday of their choice. and if hearing the checker at target tell you happy holidays instead of merry christmas destroys your ability to enjoy the holiday, you may be overly sensitive. frankly, since my local kmart has been playing christmas carols since two weeks before thanksgiving and since people are literally being injured in pre-christmas shopping fervor, I just don't see that anyone is having a hard time celebrating. well, maybe some of those people trampled getting xboxes or whatever they're doing.

now, i'm not of the religious persuasion (unless some religion wises up and recognizes us dogs as dieties) but i enjoy some of the secular trappings of the holiday season like the dogblog xmas card exchange, christmas cookies, edible presents, fruitcakes, presents with squeakers, stealing smooches under the mistletoe, presents i can eat and being three sheets to the wind after drinking eggnog. but what i don't enjoy? the naked apes continually torturing us for photo opportunities thinking it will be "cute" to dress me up like santa because i happen to have a big round belly like a bowl full of jelly.

like who really thinks it is funny to cover my head with a santa hat and watch me run around bumping into things.

do i look amused? look at them taunting me with the hat.


so, i waged in a little war on christmas of my own. while the naked apes were out i tore up the goddamn santa hat. tore the trim right off. so, fox news, it's on. i'm declaring war on christmas. don't put bells on me, don't try to dress me in a beard, no "little drummer boy" and absolutely no fat men coming down our chimmey to mooch milk and cookies.