Thursday, January 26, 2006

'tis the season to give me presents

i would like to congratulate my good friend rene for having the good sense to be the first naked ape to give me a burpday present. greenies! greenies! for those of you still looking, i have a nice suggestion involving these 17 labs in the wagon, available on the greatest website ever, petfinder.

they don't get any of my greenies, though.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

for me?

if you are still shopping for my burpday gift, get with the program. to ease your task, i have a polite suggestion, one of these guys.

need it. want it. got to have it.

speaking of cliches...

espn's Michael Smith explains why the failure to fill any of the eight vacancies in the NFL with a minority is not simply racism. see, as he explains it it's because in the nfl it's a matter of who you know. so it's not racism in refusing to hire qualified minority candidates because they didn't hire qualified white guys either! gms generally hired their friends (or almost themselves, in the case of the buffalo bills). i would hope that anyone with a keen ear for gender/racial inequity would have a bullshit meter that goes off whenever someone explains that it's a matter of social networking, not deliberate exclusion. what a very old and tired excuse for a lack of equity. if the old boys' club is all white (and all boys!), it's racist. we dogs are notorious for our sense of smell but surely this smells rotten to you naked apes too?

my favorite nfl fact of the year is that the best coach in the nfl is a guy named lovie.

now, on to more important and pressing matters, the squeelers are favorites over the seasquawks! that's okay, michigan was picked to win by two tds over the hooskers, too. just as i would trust a dog's nose, i also trust our predictive skills. my sister ethel has predicted the seahawks will win by at least 476 touchdowns. i told her not to be silly and exaggerate. the squeelers are pretty good and will only lose by 476 points.

also funny, the governors of washington state and pennsylvania have made a bet on the outcome of the game. as a neighbor of pa i happen to know that governor rendell is an unashamed eagles fan (and former philly mayor) and he even appears on a weekly eagles wrap-up show. i smell a flip-flop!

check out my big brain

scientists say that intelligence (or at least brain size) may be inversely related to the size of genitalia, at least in bats: scientists say size does matter. i'm not one to dispute science but i will say that some of us can have it all.

the cliche bowl

mr. glenn (squeelers fan) has suggested that the steelers may win the stupor bowl because:

1. they will give 110%
2. they take it one game at a time
3. they will play the respect card
4. they have XL jerome bettis.

these are excellent points but you must remember:

1. the seahawks will play with Heart (whomever that is)
2. they will come to play football
3. they will leave it all on the field
4. they have something to prove
5. they have XL mack strong (who also has an XL name)

and an important figure glenn neglects to consider--cornhuskers on the roster. pittsburgh: 0, seattle: 2.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

on notice

this is your one month warning ( a few days off). my burpday is february 22 so you'd best start shopping now. possible gifts include:

1. a seahawks jersey with my name on it
2. bully sticks (preferably a 3-footer)
3. a puppy bowl dvd
4. salmon (smoked or stuffed with crab, please)
5. mocha (the dog, not goddamned overpriced coffee)
6. a beemer
7. ape squeakees (my sister ethel ate my favorite one!)
8. a cart so i can chase my sister even when my back hurts
9. rimadyl. mmmmmm.
10. a karaoke machine and abba's greatest hits
11. a little brother (a lab, a corgi, a newfie, or some combination will do)

and, with me, you really can't go wrong with food.

photographic evidence

i have been known, at times, to accuse dick cheney of at best kicking puppies and, at worst, eating puppies.

it appears he has been tutoring his pupil. here is a picture of the president who appears to be attempting to drop kick his dog barney.

free barney (and miss beasley) before he kicks again (or before he becomes cheney chow).

Monday, January 23, 2006

my xl weekend.

as you can see from my picture, i am recovering from my Very Good weekend. i've been a bit down in the dumps. my friend frodo suddenly left last week after staying at my house for the longest slumber party ever. and, because i hurt my back last month (long dog syndrome), i couldn't make my regular trips to the dog park. so times have been tough for ol' wally. but sunday i get lox for breakfast and then take a trip to the park and who is there but my Best Friend mocha, the screaming lab. i followed him in loving adoration, even when my little short legs could barely hold me up. THEN i go home and find that the new york times magazine (my typical sunday reading fare) has an article on animal personality (more on that later). i love reading about me and my fellow animals almost as much as you naked apes like talking about yourselves.

then, THEN my seattle seasquawks make it to the Stupor Bowl! for the first time EVER. now, i have to make a special address to my good friend mr. glenn (my most regular commenter!) and my onkel eric, both of whom have the misfortune of being squeelers fans. i have, up until yesterday, been supportive of your team and celebrated your awesome victory over the colts but those days are over. the trash can now be talked. and i have a mighty filthy mouth, you know.

*p.s. the title of this post is dedicated to one mr. jay who LOVES it every time sports commentators try to say something clever about this being the "extra large" stupor bowl. i might also add that this weekend i came to play. i just wanted it more.