The Money Pit

My Granny sent me this MSNBC story about how much you apes spend on us pets ($41 billion/year--ie, NOT ENOUGH!). She wanted to know if I am going to get NEUTICLES--prosthetic testicles (cuz that's what the story opened with). I'm shocked! Shocked! That's personal, granny. Any bodily functions, inappropriate humping, my big ass, and my dirty dreams are all fair play but not my, um, missing bits!

Just kidding. I have no shame; I'll talk about anything including my phantom testicles. But let's talk about this $41 billion. I'm a little annoyed that they lumped together high-quality food, training, vet bills, and day-care/kenneling with neuticles, Hermes bags, and plastic surgery as similarly extravagant (and perhaps silly) expenses. Sure, you apes have a tendency to project your lifestyle onto us but I'm not so sure that wanting us to eat well is equivalent to making us wear a $4000 collar. I hate how these stories throw out the most bizarre possible examples in order to make ALL pet owners sound a little batty. And some of their examples of "plastic surgery"--like for droopy eyes or rhinoplasty--are done for medical reasons (cherry eye, breathing problems, etc.) I mean, some people live with goddamn CATS and the dog owners are the crazy ones?

But I did learn--they will do LIPO on dogs. For Pete's.

I think my ma ape might spend 40 billion of those dollars on our toys, foodables, furminator, vet bills, and football jerseys. But there's a simple reason:

Could you say no to these faces? My ma ape sure can't. But I don't want any neuticles.