adding insult to injury

So I find out my mawma's going to leave me for a few days but I think--whew, I'll be able to call my granny so I'll still have someone to tell me what a good, handsome boy I am. And then she drops this bomb--granny's going to GUACAMOLE. Which she says is south of Mexico. How can she visit my favorite dip without me!

Won't someone think of the Wally.

melanwally

Eyes downcast and mouth droopy. Why so melanwally, you ask?


My mum has packed her bags and tells me she is leaving for Las Vegas tomorrow. Without me. I've never been there myself but I have seen Showgirls 43 times and from what I can surmise it is a city filled with overacting, copious bare breasts, and atrocious acting. From the plot of the film, I can only guess my mawma is heading to Sin City to become a dancer, getting her first break in a show by sleeping with that guy from Twin Peaks and then pushing the lead showgirl down the stairs so she can become the star. She says she's going to an academic conference so I don' t know what the scholarly equivalent would be to shoving a rival down the stairs. Breaking their nerdy glasses in two, perhaps? I hope she comes back from Vegas quickly. Time will have to tell if she comes home topless with feathers on her head.

let it snow let it snow let's eat snow

Aaaand, even more snow! I complain about it but we do enjoy playing in the white stuff.

My sis tries out some dance moves (two legs up, two legs down!)


And she shows off her butt! We're both kind of blowing our coats so we have especially fluffy bottoms. I can't wait until spring when we will defy the laws of physics and lose 3x our body weight in fur every day! The apes call it "Dyson Season."


My ma ape hates the snow so I'm trying to be a really nice guy; I'm going to eat it ALL, one tongueful at a time.

Blech. That was yellow snow.


I'm trying out my mad skillz as an outfielder for the Cubs next year. I understand you can't eat the baseballs you catch which kind of makes it pointless.

thanks pacco!

My pals Pacco n' Amanda sent me a burpday card and a present all the way from Malaysia! Pacco looks like my sister Ethel! I should fix them up as best friends. Pacco's far away so Ethel's less likely to spaz out and try to pin her like she sometimes does (no delicate flower is my sister).


Look! Pretty card and a cell phone charm. My mean mawma ape says I can't have my own cell phone because I'd just use it to order pizza and send obnoxious text messages like "WLY RULZ!" Fair enough. But if I've got the charms, I need the phone, right?


I read things very carefully.

snow???!!!?!?!?!

yeah, it's snowing again. in march? doG damn it.


Here's my sister Ethel in the snow. If you look carefully she's still only got two feet on the ground and two feet in the air. That dog just ain't right.


I'm running to get back inside (after eating about three pounds of snow). Is it spring yet?

while mum's away...

...wally will play! yesterday mum was at work WAY too long for my tastes so I started work on my ice cream flavor alone, getting out the FAMILY SIZED wasabi paste. wooooooo! the bungee corgi was useless and didn't help at all.

happy burpday TO JOE!

It may be Tanner Tuesday but it is also the first day of Joeypalooza, a four-day celebration of the birth of Joe Stains, Boston Terrierist and Doofus Wrangler. Happy burpday, buddy!

*I know that the above dog is a Frenchie and not a Boston. I just like it, ok?
**Also, Joe, sorry to post your burpday greeting in such close proximity to the doggy sperm bank story. Ew.

Bankin' on it

According to MSNBC doggie sperm banks are all the rage!

When Fig (above), a mixed-breed dog, was 11, Gainor Riker worried that her pet's biological clock was ticking so she decided to have his sperm frozen and stored at a canine semen bank. Her hope is to one day use the sperm to produce a litter of puppies, giving her another wonderful pet with the same fantastic temperament as her beloved Fig.

Fig died two years ago at the age of 15, and his sperm is still in the bank.

Here's how one one woman described her decision to bank it:

"Being a responsible pet owner, I wanted him neutered," she says. "But before doing so, I arranged to have his family jewels locked up in the canine semen bank to ensure a future generation.”

No--nothing odd about that (or strange about referring to your dogs "family jewels"! Good grief, let him have SOME dignity).

And I'm not even going to describe for you HOW they get the stuff. And while my mawma is a strange one I am fairly confident I will never read anything this disturbing about her:

Joeri Goedertier of Battle Ground, Wash., did a testicular harvest after his champion Rottweiler named Umbro died. “I rushed him to an emergency vet and asked [the vet] to cut off the dog’s testicles so that I could FedEx them to a canine semen bank," says Goedertier. "He thought I was some kind of crazy psycho. Time was of the essence and when I threatened to do it myself, he complied.”

Dear doG you apes are weird. Thousands of years of civilization and this is where you are, neutering dead dogs to harvest their sperm. And you think WE'RE odd for sniffing each others' butts and eating cat poop.

don't cry for me scoooooter liiiiby!

It's official, Scooter (former chief of staff to the veep) is a felon.

Now, will someone please answer the question of why a grown man answers to a nickname that sounds like a dog's name? Seriously, I hear his name and I think of a beagle. And that's just not fair to beagles. Give him something dignified like Turd Blossom.

Happy Burpday Auntie Ira!

Happy Burpday AUNTIE IRA! She is married to my onkel Eric who resembles the guy in the picture above. Ira's burpday not officially until the 6th but she's in Sweden so it's her burpday NOW (she shares a burpday with joe stains though i don't think hers lasts quite as long).

Here is a burpday song for Auntie in Swedish!

Ja må hon leva,
ja må hon leva.
ja må hon leva uti hundrade år!
Ja visst ska hon leva,
ja visst ska hon leva,
ja visst ska hon leva uti hundrade år.
Hon lever! Hurra! Hurra! Hurra

I have no idea what this says or how to sing it but I can imagine it as an ABBA performance with a kicky beat, sparkly outfits and coordinated dance moves. I think it has something about living to be a hundred. And then saying hurrah a lot which, I'd imagine is shouting "Hurrah!" because Wally is your favorite nephew. And I can't imagine wanting to be 100 without Wally around, eh? Have a great one Auntie Ira! Put down the Hegel and do a little celebratin' with the Minerva Owl!

you scream I SCREAM!

While I think Stephen Colbert would fear me because my appearance is similar to that of a bear I am SO EXCITED about the new ice cream named after him from Ben & Jerry's:

“I’m not afraid to say it. Dessert has a well-known liberal agenda,” Colbert said in a statement. “What I hope to do with this ice cream is bring some balance back to the freezer case.”

I'm still waiting for Ben & Jerry's to get back to me on "Wally's Wicked Wonder" ice cream. Vanilla with crispy bacon and a nice wasabi stripe, speckled with hunks of bully stick throughout. Bring it on!

wasabi in space!

nasa needs me! they had a wasabi spill in the shuttle and need someone to do clean-up! i could be just the guy. i'm a big ol' fan of wasabi peas and sushi with wasabi. nasa--call me! will work for food!

The spicy greenish condiment was squirted out of a tube while astronaut Sunita Williams was trying to make a pretend sushi meal with bag-packaged salmon. The three space station crewmembers are given a certain number of bonus packs of their favorite foods to help endure their months in space where most meals are the equivalent of military MREs.

Since everything is weightless, spilled food is no ordinary clean-up challenge.

"We finally got the wasabi smell out after it was flying around everywhere," Williams told her mother this week in a conversation arranged by Boston radio station WBZ. "We cleaned it up off the walls a little bit."

strange apes.

This will come as a surprise to no one but my mawma is odd. She's weird in many ways, one of which is the fact that she likes to get me fuzzies of some of her favorite animals even though that means she is going to watch me pretend to kill fuzzies of her favorite animals. Sure, every once in awhile I get to kill a buffalo head (she has nothing against buffalo generally, just colorado buffalos) but most often she gets stuffies that look like things she likes! case in point:

this is the oddest--the corgi bungie! she loves corgis and yet she got me a toy shaped like a corgi for me to kill! here i'm wearing him as a fetching stole.


a stole that i can bite in the head!


grrrrrr..and his stretchiness makes him perfect for tugging games.

killed 'em! i worry about my crazy ape. i may have to consult my freud today to figure out the psychology of this. is this is some manifestation of a death drive? repressed rage? a very confused oedipal complex in which she delights in watching me kill my symbolic father (ie, my corgi half)? i have a sneaking suspicion the answer is simple. Diagnosis: crazy.

something new!

king wally

We visited the ice mountain which is smaller but still standing (and still pretty dirty AND gross).


Here's my sis at the base. You can see how BIG it is.


But even ol' long legs can't conquer the mountain.


But brave Sir Wally will take his turn.

He finds a path to the summit.


Victory! Here I am at the top of the world!
Aaaaand back down, having claimed my territory! I'm a regular Sir Edmund Hillary.

auspicious news

I saw these stories running together on the news wires: "Dogs use cash machines" about how they are training helper dogs to use ATMs to help their owners in wheelchairs. Then, a few stories down, and "Dog buys his own sausages." That one is pretty self-explanatory.

I'm rooting through my apes's bags right now to find their wallets. Once I tried to forge some checks but the pawprint was not a believeable signature. This is a possibility--I could figure out the pin and I'm too short to get caught on the security camera. I'll get me some cash and have sausages and tastycakes all day!

weathering the storm!

We didn't get the nasty storm they got in the midwest that has kept some of my pals housebound. But we did get LOTS of rain thursday and friday.


And someone had the GREAT idea to go walking in the rain at 4:30 a.m. And then it started raining HARDER. We got to the end of the block and my sis and I had had ENOUGH. We headed home but not before getting soaked, see how wet and miserable I was! On the up side, the house smelled like wet dog for the rest of the morning. But by Saturday....


SUNSHINE!

I went for a brief jog.

Sunned my belly and my boy bits. (Youngins, avert your eyes).

I grinned.


I wandered through puddles.

Ahhh..and I enjoy life as king of all I survey.

the two-leg game.

I previously told you about my sister's game in which she cannot have more than two feet on the ground at one time. I think she's pretending she's a naked ape walking on TWO legs. Here are some samples of her at play.


Here is an example. Front two down, back two up.

She teases us, two legs barely off the ground. Note the undignified floppy tongue. That's a sign she's getting into her game.



Oooh--she's getting tricky alternating legs.

And now it's only ONE down! Sneaky.

a tale of two diets

at my house there is much difference between what the apes eat and what the dogs eat. this is not because the ape dinners are higher quality. nope. the apes are just crazy and picky while we dogs live high on the hog (sometimes literally. we get bacon.) it makes my onkel eric jealous because he says we eat better than he does. my onkel is something called a lad student? bad student? grad student? fad student? pad thai student? i forget. something that leaves him permanently impoverished but very very smart about american literature and french lit crit. anyway. he envies our eating habits and you can probably see why.


this is my sister with a burpday bone. we got bullies and bones for my burpday. the apes don't eat bones, not even the tasty gooey center. mmmmmm....gooey center. we get 'em raw and frozen so they are CHILLY when we get 'em. she has to guard it so someone won't steal it.

i try to fit my WHOLE bone in my mouth. and i suck out the goo! tasty. and still this doesn't tempt the apes.

here i am eating my organic yogurt right out of the container! mmmmmm. i read on the label it has GOOD bacteria for our bellies. i take good care of my belly bugs.


these are my mawma's balls! what--why is everyone laughing? anyway. my mom is crazy. she won't eat the cows or the shrimps or the sheeps or anything fuzzy but she WILL eat these balls. she assures me this is NOT what happened with the, erm, bits after i was neutered. she says they're gluten balls from plants. who knew? i tried 'em and i liked 'em. it's nice because mawma won't touch my food but i WILL eat hers. two diets, one dog!

goodday sunshine!

march is comin' in like a lamb (except for the huge storm that is sweeping across the midwest right now and will bring us rain and thunderstorms tonight). i'm happy because it's warm and sunny. prime napping conditions.



Look at me in the outside, soaking up some rays. Behind me are our funny doors that make our house look like it has a bomb shelter but I'm fairly certain it will be worthless in case of a nuclear war because the doors can't even keep out the rain.


Here's my sister playing a game where no more than two feet can be on the ground at any one time. She's funny and when she plays she runs up and down the one patch of snow along the fence. Seriously--crazy.

Look at us posing. Mawma can never get the two of us in the same frame so she made us SIT next to each other. This gives a good sense of the difference in size. For some reason in most pictures I look BIGGER than my sis. I think it's just the camera catching my essence and the bigness of my personality and brains. And my natural modesty.

what's going down down under?

Wow, that title is a filthier pun than I had expected. At any rate, I came across this story this morning that fills us in on the extracurricular activities of koalas:

Female koalas indulge in lesbian "sex sessions", rejecting male suitors and attempting to mate with each other, sometimes up to five at a time, according to researchers.

The furry, eucalyptus-eating creatures appear to develop this tendency for same-sex liaisons when they are in captivity. In the wild, they remain heterosexual.

Scientists monitoring the marsupials with digital cameras counted three homosexual interactions for every heterosexual one.

"Some females rejected the advances of males that were in their enclosures, only to become willing participants in homosexual encounters immediately after," say the researchers.

"On several occasions more than one pair of females shared the same pole, and multiple females mounted each other simultaneously. At least one multiple encounter involved five female koalas.

"One theory put forward by the researchers is that the females do it to attract males; another is that it is simply hormonal, or that it is a stress reliever.