Dogs: The Ensmarteration!

This is part three in a never ending series in which we taunt Gramsci Cat!

Well, smarty farty cat, guess what SCIENCE says! Dogs are SMARTERER than CATS! Read it HERE! Our brains have evolved at a super fast rate because we are social animals: "This suggests the co-operation and co-ordination needed for group living can be challenging and over time some mammals have evolved larger brains to be able to cope with the demands of socialising.” Look at us engaging in brain growing activities here!

You can practically SEE our brains growing here!

See, here is Mr. Science saying some things about our enbiggened brains!

Dr Shultz added: “All dogs are quite good at solving problems, which gives credence to the traditional image of the cunning fox which is a member of the same family. Dogs descended from wolves which appear to have the biggest brains as they live in large family groups.”

Look at Edgrr, the cunning fox! Kicking ass, taking names, solving problems!

The Wolf In Me

I know that I am one foxy dude.

But it turns out that my legs are a dead giveaway for my TUFF GUY ORIGINS. My legs come from WOLVES. SCIENCE has declared it is so! Unlike my BO-RING sibbies who are regular ole dogs, I have a special wolf gene! Read about it here!

Here you see my wolfy side coming out as I hunt the wild hosta. Here's how science explains my untameability:

They found short-legged dogs all had a slightly altered extra gene that produces a growth protein called fibroblast growth factor 4 or FGF4. It appears to be copy of a wolf gene that got spliced back into the dog genome some time after modern dog breeds diverged from wolves.

It appears to be copy of a wolf gene that got spliced back into the dog genome some time after modern dog breeds diverged from wolves.

You better not mess with me when the moon is full! Here you see my ferocious corgipants in all their floofy glory. Wait, what is this sentence starting the story?

Dachshunds and corgis have short stubby legs because they were dealt an unlucky ticket in the evolutionary lottery, scientists say.

Unlucky??? Take that back, science!

On the Origin of Snacks

While I've always maintained that my ma ape might be the evolutionary link between chimps and humans, Sophie alerted me today that scientists have made a new discovery! The oldest human ancestor found to date! And she suggests humans descended from even OLDER species of apes than gorillas n' chimps!

Here's a picture of the old lady:


She is most interesting because it appears her sort were bipeds on land and quadripeds in the trees. This is quite unusual and they have an interesting explanation.

Lovejoy sees these changes as part of an epochal shift in social behavior: Instead of fighting for access to females, a male Ardipithecus would supply a "targeted female" and her offspring with gathered foods and gain her sexual loyalty in return.

To keep up his end of the deal, a male needed to have his hands free to carry home the food. Bipedalism may have been a poor way for Ardipithecus to get around, but through its contribution to the "sex for food" contract, it would have been an excellent way to bear more offspring.

While the Elliot Spitzer Theory of Evolution is interesting I would like to propose another explanation. The apes weren't bringing home the bacon for the ladies, they were already realizing the key to advancement was befriending the apes' superior. As in our household, all groceries lead to:

The apes needed good grasping devices for procuring and delivering snacks to their intellectual leaders:

And here is a gratuitous photo of me eating food. I didn't even have to do anything in exchange, just be my usual handsome and noble self.

Now apes, go fetch me my grub as evolution dictates!

Thank you to Sophie Brador for sending me this article to allow me to make my highly scientific analysis of human evolution. I will bring you with me when I pick up my Nobel Prize in Stockholm.

No More Diets!

My Onkel Eric, a Thinker of the Highest Order, sent me this article about how it is not my habit of snacking on, um, anything that is making me fat. it is all the thinking I'm doing!!! See!

It turns out that performing mental tasks, like trying to solve problems while working at a computer, stimulates the appetite so much that people tend to eat significantly more calories than they burned while performing the "knowledge-based" tasks.

I have evidence to back up this story! My baby brudder is the skinniest in the house while I have the BIGGEST BRAIN!

The diet does NOT start tomorrow--I've got thinkerating to do!

Dog News!

Look at this dog who saved a baby:

BUENOS AIRES (Reuters) - A newborn baby abandoned outdoors in winter by her 14-year-old mother was found safe in a dog pen with a mother dog and her brood of puppies near the city of La Plata, Argentine media reported on Friday.

Farmer Fabio Anze found the naked baby girl on Thursday, being kept warm among his dog China's puppies, La Nacion newspaper said. Anze called the police and the baby was taken to a hospital.

In a related story, scientists are claiming that domestication has made us (dogs) more intelligent and moral. Uh, dudes, wrong directionality. We have made you apes smarter, more moral, and less boring. Which isn't saying much because you've never been all that, in spite of what you tell yourselves.

Dr Friederike Range, of the University of Vienna, who led the study, said: 'Dogs show a strong aversion to inequity. I would prefer not to call it a sense of fairness, but others might.'

Neither of these stories is actually about me but here is a picture of me nonetheless. YOu might call it egoism. I call it giving my audience what they want:

Some Good Science

Science! has shown that just as yawns are contagious between naked apes, so too do we dogs yawn with you! They say that the yawning indicates that we are capable of empathy but, really, we are just bored by you. You can see video of the yawning dog here.

Here I am nodding off just thinking about how boring you are: