Dogs: The Ensmarteration!

This is part three in a never ending series in which we taunt Gramsci Cat!

Well, smarty farty cat, guess what SCIENCE says! Dogs are SMARTERER than CATS! Read it HERE! Our brains have evolved at a super fast rate because we are social animals: "This suggests the co-operation and co-ordination needed for group living can be challenging and over time some mammals have evolved larger brains to be able to cope with the demands of socialising.” Look at us engaging in brain growing activities here!

You can practically SEE our brains growing here!

See, here is Mr. Science saying some things about our enbiggened brains!

Dr Shultz added: “All dogs are quite good at solving problems, which gives credence to the traditional image of the cunning fox which is a member of the same family. Dogs descended from wolves which appear to have the biggest brains as they live in large family groups.”

Look at Edgrr, the cunning fox! Kicking ass, taking names, solving problems!

Earning Our B.S. Degree

When Dr. Wally T. Corgador, Ph.D. passed we lost our most edumacated pack member. A learn-ed fellow, Dr. Wally was an expert in all things. He has inspired us to pursue higher education. Ethel and I thought that maybe if we put our heads together we could earn a B.S. degree. So, in pursuit of our B.S. we are working on a Senior Thesis about the most substantial senior in our house--Otis T. Potus. We have decided to investigate the curious origins of the Potus.

As his actual origins are shrouded in mystery we decided to do some biological forensics comparing Otis to some of his possible relatives, determined via a careful examination of the Potus's girthy physique. Specimen #1:

Behold, the elephant seal! A gutsy fellow like our Potus, both enjoy partaking of fishy dinners and then resting on their rotund belles for some quality baking in the sun.

But the Elephant Seal lacks stripeys and Otis is unlikely to be a seafaring fellow. So our next line of inquiry. HIPPO! Specimen #2:

Large-headed beasts with British teeth who love vegetables and have breath that could knock you over!

Our vet even calls Otis the Happy Hippo! Perhaps he has already made a species identification??? But where are the stripes? We need to do further investigation into a theory that Jessica the Hippo, who has appeared on this blog before, may have gotten overly friendly with the bull terriers she lives with.

Could he be a HippOtis?

This is a promising line of inquiry. However, our funding which consists of stealing dollars out of the ma ape's wallet (no lie. Otis stole one and ate it once) has run out and we have resorted to doing field research in our own home. Could we find clues as to the Otis Family Tree? Well, our ma ape came home with a very curious stuffy recently. Specimen #3:

What the? We know--it is a stripey, chubby, cropped eared, unidentifiable thingy that grunts when you squeeze him.

There is a resemblance. Is there a strange land somewhere where Otis is their god and they are now producing idols in his image? (He's a vain god who hath commanded "Thou shalt worship false idols in my image, lo that they may have honkers in thy bellies.") But we also found, sitting atop Otis's crate! Specimen #4:

A boo dog and a pig? Could Otis be a pitlet?

A family reunion of sorts? They do appear to replicate Otis's level of activity.

While Otis bears eerie resemblance to many things portly, weird, snorfly, perpetually hungry, stinky, and block-headed we were able to draw one indisputable scienterrific conclusion. Otis is a one of a kind beast who cannot be replicated. He would still like to be worshiped as a god, though. We hearby claim discovery of the unique species Otisii Potusii.

Can we have our degree now, plz? We are in our graduation robes!

Dr. Wally T. Corgador, PhD.

The other day Rachel Maddow tweeted to me about a very good site called Who Pooped where you can get an online degree. As you can see, I am an excellent student and finished my degree in record time. Much less time than it took my ma ape to poop out her dissertation.

I wonder if I will get a car for graduation?

A Letter to Cats

Dear Cats,

Science told me something. We're smarter than you. Oh, don't feel bad. LOLCats are pretty funny, if sadly reflective of your mental (in)capacity:

The [cats] were tested in three ways, using a single baited string, two parallel strings where only one was baited, and two crossed strings where only one was baited.

The single string test proved no problem, but unlike dogs (which Osthaus has previously tested) no cat consistently chose correctly between two parallel strings. With two crossed strings, one cat always made the wrong choice and others succeeded no more than might be expected by chance.

Osthaus, of Canterbury Christ Church University, Kent, said: "This finding is somehow surprising as cats regularly use their paws and claws to pull things towards them during play and hunting. They performed even worse than dogs, which can at least solve the parallel string task."

Much love and pity,

Wally T. Corgador

No More Diets!

My Onkel Eric, a Thinker of the Highest Order, sent me this article about how it is not my habit of snacking on, um, anything that is making me fat. it is all the thinking I'm doing!!! See!

It turns out that performing mental tasks, like trying to solve problems while working at a computer, stimulates the appetite so much that people tend to eat significantly more calories than they burned while performing the "knowledge-based" tasks.

I have evidence to back up this story! My baby brudder is the skinniest in the house while I have the BIGGEST BRAIN!

The diet does NOT start tomorrow--I've got thinkerating to do!

Dr. Uncle Eric IN THE HOUSE!

This is an image closing resembling one of my favorite naked apes, ONKEL ERIC who now we must refer to DR. ONKEL ERIC. He defended his disscombobulation today and became a PhDog.


Congrats, Onkel Eric, I am wearing my S**T happens sweatshirt because no one is a more awesome pessimist than you...but then s**t happened!

Your Smarter Cousins

I've been meaning to blog about this but it turns out the naked apes' chimpy cousins are smarter than them! Chimps outperformed college students at memory games (no word if the college students were tested before or after the kegger):

Monkeys performed about as well as college students at mental addition, U.S. researchers said on Monday in a finding that suggests nonverbal math skills are not unique to humans.

The research from Duke University follows the finding by Japanese researchers earlier this month that young chimpanzees performed better than human adults at a memory game.

As for the teams, both were paid. Boxer and Feinstein (the chimps) got their favourite reward: a sip of Kool-Aid soft drink. As for the students, they got $10 each -- enough for a beer or two.

As if to prove the idiocy of naked apes--AP, chimps are not monkeys, they're apes!