Dogs: The Ensmarteration!

This is part three in a never ending series in which we taunt Gramsci Cat!

Well, smarty farty cat, guess what SCIENCE says! Dogs are SMARTERER than CATS! Read it HERE! Our brains have evolved at a super fast rate because we are social animals: "This suggests the co-operation and co-ordination needed for group living can be challenging and over time some mammals have evolved larger brains to be able to cope with the demands of socialising.” Look at us engaging in brain growing activities here!

You can practically SEE our brains growing here!

See, here is Mr. Science saying some things about our enbiggened brains!

Dr Shultz added: “All dogs are quite good at solving problems, which gives credence to the traditional image of the cunning fox which is a member of the same family. Dogs descended from wolves which appear to have the biggest brains as they live in large family groups.”

Look at Edgrr, the cunning fox! Kicking ass, taking names, solving problems!

Earning Our B.S. Degree

When Dr. Wally T. Corgador, Ph.D. passed we lost our most edumacated pack member. A learn-ed fellow, Dr. Wally was an expert in all things. He has inspired us to pursue higher education. Ethel and I thought that maybe if we put our heads together we could earn a B.S. degree. So, in pursuit of our B.S. we are working on a Senior Thesis about the most substantial senior in our house--Otis T. Potus. We have decided to investigate the curious origins of the Potus.

As his actual origins are shrouded in mystery we decided to do some biological forensics comparing Otis to some of his possible relatives, determined via a careful examination of the Potus's girthy physique. Specimen #1:

Behold, the elephant seal! A gutsy fellow like our Potus, both enjoy partaking of fishy dinners and then resting on their rotund belles for some quality baking in the sun.

But the Elephant Seal lacks stripeys and Otis is unlikely to be a seafaring fellow. So our next line of inquiry. HIPPO! Specimen #2:

Large-headed beasts with British teeth who love vegetables and have breath that could knock you over!

Our vet even calls Otis the Happy Hippo! Perhaps he has already made a species identification??? But where are the stripes? We need to do further investigation into a theory that Jessica the Hippo, who has appeared on this blog before, may have gotten overly friendly with the bull terriers she lives with.

Could he be a HippOtis?

This is a promising line of inquiry. However, our funding which consists of stealing dollars out of the ma ape's wallet (no lie. Otis stole one and ate it once) has run out and we have resorted to doing field research in our own home. Could we find clues as to the Otis Family Tree? Well, our ma ape came home with a very curious stuffy recently. Specimen #3:

What the? We know--it is a stripey, chubby, cropped eared, unidentifiable thingy that grunts when you squeeze him.

There is a resemblance. Is there a strange land somewhere where Otis is their god and they are now producing idols in his image? (He's a vain god who hath commanded "Thou shalt worship false idols in my image, lo that they may have honkers in thy bellies.") But we also found, sitting atop Otis's crate! Specimen #4:

A boo dog and a pig? Could Otis be a pitlet?

A family reunion of sorts? They do appear to replicate Otis's level of activity.

While Otis bears eerie resemblance to many things portly, weird, snorfly, perpetually hungry, stinky, and block-headed we were able to draw one indisputable scienterrific conclusion. Otis is a one of a kind beast who cannot be replicated. He would still like to be worshiped as a god, though. We hearby claim discovery of the unique species Otisii Potusii.

Can we have our degree now, plz? We are in our graduation robes!

On the Origin of Snacks

While I've always maintained that my ma ape might be the evolutionary link between chimps and humans, Sophie alerted me today that scientists have made a new discovery! The oldest human ancestor found to date! And she suggests humans descended from even OLDER species of apes than gorillas n' chimps!

Here's a picture of the old lady:


She is most interesting because it appears her sort were bipeds on land and quadripeds in the trees. This is quite unusual and they have an interesting explanation.

Lovejoy sees these changes as part of an epochal shift in social behavior: Instead of fighting for access to females, a male Ardipithecus would supply a "targeted female" and her offspring with gathered foods and gain her sexual loyalty in return.

To keep up his end of the deal, a male needed to have his hands free to carry home the food. Bipedalism may have been a poor way for Ardipithecus to get around, but through its contribution to the "sex for food" contract, it would have been an excellent way to bear more offspring.

While the Elliot Spitzer Theory of Evolution is interesting I would like to propose another explanation. The apes weren't bringing home the bacon for the ladies, they were already realizing the key to advancement was befriending the apes' superior. As in our household, all groceries lead to:

The apes needed good grasping devices for procuring and delivering snacks to their intellectual leaders:

And here is a gratuitous photo of me eating food. I didn't even have to do anything in exchange, just be my usual handsome and noble self.

Now apes, go fetch me my grub as evolution dictates!

Thank you to Sophie Brador for sending me this article to allow me to make my highly scientific analysis of human evolution. I will bring you with me when I pick up my Nobel Prize in Stockholm.

How Perfection is Created

Look what I found on the internets! From genome.gov:

Researchers Discover Evolutionary Event Underlying the Origin of Dachshunds, Other Dogs With Short Legs

This is great news since it gives hope to all you dogs with horribly deformed long legs that perhaps someday we will find a cure for gangly limbs and save future generations from your meaningless, tall existences:

Bethesda, Md., Thurs., July 16, 2009 — A single evolutionary event appears to explain the short, curved legs that characterize all of today's dachshunds, corgis, basset hounds and at least 16 other breeds of dogs, a team led by the National Human Genome Research Institute (NHGRI), part of the National Institutes of Health, reported today. In addition to what it reveals about short-legged dogs, the unexpected discovery provides new clues about how physical differences may arise within species and suggests new approaches to understanding a form of human dwarfism.

In a study published in the advance online edition of the journal Science, the researchers led by NHGRI's Elaine Ostrander, Ph.D., examined DNA samples from 835 dogs, including 95 with short legs. Their survey of more than 40,000 markers of DNA variation uncovered a genetic signature exclusive to short-legged breeds. Through follow-up DNA sequencing and computational analyses, the researchers determined the dogs' disproportionately short limbs can be traced to one mutational event in the canine genome - a DNA insertion - that occurred early in the evolution of domestic dogs.

Together Sam and I could create a species of SUPERDOGS! They will just be giant heads and pot bellies with feet! Scienterrific!

No More Diets!

My Onkel Eric, a Thinker of the Highest Order, sent me this article about how it is not my habit of snacking on, um, anything that is making me fat. it is all the thinking I'm doing!!! See!

It turns out that performing mental tasks, like trying to solve problems while working at a computer, stimulates the appetite so much that people tend to eat significantly more calories than they burned while performing the "knowledge-based" tasks.

I have evidence to back up this story! My baby brudder is the skinniest in the house while I have the BIGGEST BRAIN!

The diet does NOT start tomorrow--I've got thinkerating to do!

Dog News!

Look at this dog who saved a baby:

BUENOS AIRES (Reuters) - A newborn baby abandoned outdoors in winter by her 14-year-old mother was found safe in a dog pen with a mother dog and her brood of puppies near the city of La Plata, Argentine media reported on Friday.

Farmer Fabio Anze found the naked baby girl on Thursday, being kept warm among his dog China's puppies, La Nacion newspaper said. Anze called the police and the baby was taken to a hospital.

In a related story, scientists are claiming that domestication has made us (dogs) more intelligent and moral. Uh, dudes, wrong directionality. We have made you apes smarter, more moral, and less boring. Which isn't saying much because you've never been all that, in spite of what you tell yourselves.

Dr Friederike Range, of the University of Vienna, who led the study, said: 'Dogs show a strong aversion to inequity. I would prefer not to call it a sense of fairness, but others might.'

Neither of these stories is actually about me but here is a picture of me nonetheless. YOu might call it egoism. I call it giving my audience what they want: