On the Origin of Snacks

While I've always maintained that my ma ape might be the evolutionary link between chimps and humans, Sophie alerted me today that scientists have made a new discovery! The oldest human ancestor found to date! And she suggests humans descended from even OLDER species of apes than gorillas n' chimps!

Here's a picture of the old lady:


She is most interesting because it appears her sort were bipeds on land and quadripeds in the trees. This is quite unusual and they have an interesting explanation.

Lovejoy sees these changes as part of an epochal shift in social behavior: Instead of fighting for access to females, a male Ardipithecus would supply a "targeted female" and her offspring with gathered foods and gain her sexual loyalty in return.

To keep up his end of the deal, a male needed to have his hands free to carry home the food. Bipedalism may have been a poor way for Ardipithecus to get around, but through its contribution to the "sex for food" contract, it would have been an excellent way to bear more offspring.

While the Elliot Spitzer Theory of Evolution is interesting I would like to propose another explanation. The apes weren't bringing home the bacon for the ladies, they were already realizing the key to advancement was befriending the apes' superior. As in our household, all groceries lead to:

The apes needed good grasping devices for procuring and delivering snacks to their intellectual leaders:

And here is a gratuitous photo of me eating food. I didn't even have to do anything in exchange, just be my usual handsome and noble self.

Now apes, go fetch me my grub as evolution dictates!

Thank you to Sophie Brador for sending me this article to allow me to make my highly scientific analysis of human evolution. I will bring you with me when I pick up my Nobel Prize in Stockholm.