not so super bowl

sad
Originally uploaded by cerasmus.

poor beagles didn't win the super bowl-see how sad i am (astute observers will notice i'm wearing my old collar in this picture. shut up.). as a husker fan i am too accustomed to domination on the football field. (astute observers will point out that the huskers did not even post a winning record this year--this first time in my mawma's lifetime PLUS my lifetime. again, shut up.)

i am proud to announce that i was a winner in the snack bowl. i especially enjoyed the artichoke dip. and the baby carrots. since i'm no longer homeless, i go in for the fancy living.

as for the ads, i napped through most of them. i liked the one in which it looked like the guy butchered his girlfriend's cat. hehe. also, i liked the ones with chimps in which you stupid naked apes act all superior to your chimp cousins. most of us in the animal kingdom agree we'd rather spend the day with chimps than you booooring naked apes and your "manners" and "intellect". good grief, look what you do for fun--dress up other animals to look like you? i say, get over yourselves. i'm not sure what either was selling but if it's a cat killing service or chimps with whoopie cushions, i'd buy.

in sum, the super bowl wasn't so bad even if my beagles lost. the city of philly is acting as if they've all lost their grandmaws or something. get over yourselves, it's just football. it's not like it's the huskers, or like we ran out of snacks. let's stay focused on the important things in life. namely, me.

a weekend of bowls

since i live within the philly tv station broadcast zone i have heard NOTHING but superbowl all goddamn week. now, i'm a pretty big football fan and i have nothing against the superbowl, especially when it involves snacks, but it's really cutting into the usual local news fare of stupid criminals and funny animals. all i hear is will t.o. play or not? what the hell is a "t.o."? is it related to b.o.? i'm familiar with that. it's my understanding that whatever this "t.o." thing is, it broke its leg a few weeks ago and now wants to play football anyway. you naked apes are really stupid, it's a wonder natural selection hasn't knocked you out already.

at any rate, there are many other bowls this weekend including this morning in philly they held the wing bowl which almost caused a riot when far more naked apes showed up than could fit in the 20,000-seat stadium. and, of course, being the apes that you are, the already-drunk primates started hooting and hollering and throwing beer cups. anyway, i'm real mad my mawma wouldn't get up at 3 a.m. to take me to philly because i most definitely would have won. my time on the street taught me eat or be eaten. and damn it, i can eat. and if they're rioting over the wing bowl? i don't think philly is going to make it through the weekend--they win, they riot and burn down the city. they lose, they riot and burn down the city. again, i ask, why hasn't evolution taken you out yet?

second is the puppy bowl. it appears to be an hour of television consisting almost entirely of puppies running around on a faux football-field doing cute puppy things. i will be rooting for the frogdog, itsy, and roxi the corgi mix.

e-a-g-l-e-s BEAGLES! please win so the naked apes are happy.

wallies wallies everywhere

so i've been reading about cloning animals in harper's; they think it might help revive endangered or even extinct species. of course people want to clone their pets since we are always doing things like saving your lives, or your feet. but why are you stupid naked apes starting with goddamn cats? have i mentioned i hate cats? because i am so selfless, i decided to look up pet cloning for the naked apes that i own since they certainly will want more of a good thing, me. i have to admire the funny name of the biggest company, genetic savings and clone. all you have to do is send tissue samples plus $900 (and $100/year) and they will gene bank your pet. then some more money for the actual cloning. they hope to clone a dog this year. so, basically, all of you naked apes could get yoruself a little piece of wally. now it may seem a little unethical to spend thousands and thousand of dollars cloning a pet when there are millions of animals euthanized every year but i am an endangered species since i am one of a kind. and, really, it would be selfish of me to keep this perfect dna all to myself. i wonder, though, would i recognized the cloned wallies as related to me? would i be jealous? would i boss them around--what if they were as bossy as me? could i control my whole army of wallies? oops, i may have revealed a bit too much about my cloning plans.

goodbye sammy!

my friend sammy sosa (named after the very handsome show dog, I think) is leaving the cubs for the orioles. it's sad he's leaving the team so associated with him, even if it is to move closer to me. it's probably the best since he's been batting worse than i could (and i lack opposable thumbs).

since the cubs are now lacking a mascot (let's face it, smilin' sammy was, sometimes, more a symbol than a person), i'd like to volunteer my services. i've always thought i'd be a good rally wally for the chicago teams because i look a little bit like a bear cub and i'm a bit rough around the edges, kind of like chicago. also, they always do well in the "fat city" rankings which means that, like me, they love their chow. and they have a dog park there named "wiggley field" i've always wanted to visit because of my love of puns. so, mayor daley, give me a call. will work for ballpark snacks.

best of luck, sammy.