i NEED it

i've been TELLING my naked apes that i need a little personal assistant to take care of my appointments, fetch me bullies, help clean my eye boogers, etc. and here's the perfect one. seamus is at an spca right near me! and my mean mawma says i can't have him just because i would probably try to bite him because i'm a grumpy old man. harumph. seamus would understand. look at his name--he's irish--so we could commiserate about the goddamn british over a guinness and mayo chips (which he would fetch and i would eat). when the mail carrier comes today i will bark madly at her like usual and then i will ask her if there's a box in her truck with my name on it containing seamus! and mayo chips. i really need the mayo chips.